2/10/08

Right.

I am officially torn.

I cannot decide.

And it's driving me insane.

It's weird...

now that I'm supposed to be 'recovering', I notice food a lot more. And worse, I feel like I have the right to eat it.

When I eat it, I feel sick. And I feel disgusting, and slovenly. It makes me feel out of control, which I am, because I'm eating. And when I eat, I eat a lot. Which is why I have been binging out of control for the last 2 days.

God, I hate myself.

If this is supposed to be making me feel better, it's not working. At all.

I can't give up this lifestyle. This lifestyle is my life.

I know the routine...I binged, so now I'm going to completely restrict for a long, long time. Every now and then I just go crazy, and then I stop myself again. But now, I feel like I should be going crazy eating, because that's supposed to make me 'better.'

What is better, anyway? Eating normally? Or losing the mindset?

What people don't understand is that anorexia is not just about not eating. Anorexia is a mindset. Anorexia is a lifestyle. It's not just about eating more, not counting calories, etc. It's about losing the mindset. And it's hard to lose the mindset. It's impossible. Even though I'm eating more, I would still consider myself anorexic because I am so obssessive about it. Most of my day is consumed with thinking about it. Every day, in my spare time I think about food, about going to exercise, mentally adding up my approximate calorie count for the day, how much I burnt, what I should eat, tricks to make me not hungry, eyeing up girls to see if they are ana, tricks for not making people notice, if what I am doing is wrong, if I should give it up and be 'healthy' or stay like this and keep going.

I don't know. I can't 'recover.' I may eat more, but it's not just about curing my weight, it's about curing my mind. Which is impossible.

Arrrrrrrrgh.

I feel like I am going to cry.

Everything is so stressful. I hate this.

School is hard...the work is insane. I can't keep up. Today I got 60% on my test. FUCKING 60%! That is the LOWEST I have ever gotten! And I want to get an A in that class! What the fuck is wrong with me?

Home life is hard...my parents keep on yelling at me to try harder, so I can get into the best universities. And they just yell and yell and yell...not only about that, but everything.

And my mom keeps on telling me how pathetic I am, about everything, and God knows that she can aim! She always picks at my weak spots, and it just kills me.

And B wants me to get better. Did I ever explain about that? I guess I didn't. I'll explain now.

Friday night: we're talking, and I'm at a complete crossroad.

If I go left, I'll recover, stop thinking about it, start eating more and continue a 'normal' life as if it never happened. I'm thinking that I can't bear to let him know I'm ana, because I don't want him to be disgusted by me, or ashamed of me, or disappointed in me, and to stop loving me. B has a very high opinion of me. He's the only one who has been there for me. By letting him know I'm ana, I thought I would stop that.

If I go right, I continue- this is the point where I know that I can either go full-blown or get better. Everything is urging me to go left, but I am just yearning and yearning to go right. I can't give this up- it is my lifestyle, it is my life. It is the only thing I completely control. Even if my life just crumbles, I lose all my friends and all those I love, even when I am stressed beyond my mind, I can still choose what to put in my mouth. And I love that.

So, I decided to go right. I tell B that I don't think we should talk anymore. And then it comes true, he says fine, good luck, goodbye and blocks me. He's incredibly hurt, shocked and is absolutely furious. So suddenly I realize that I'm actually doing this horrible thing to the one person I love, who has always been there for me, and we're parting on such bad terms that I can't bear to do it anymore (crazy, I know, I'm insane) and then I have to persuade him to unblock me so we can sort it out, even though I don't know what to say or what to do, because I'm still at these crossroads (this is how I ended up telling S btw) and then finally he lets me talk to him, and I try to explain as much as I can without saying I am ana because I still can't bear to say it. And he, of course, doesn't understand that I didn't want to make him worry, or hurt him, or have him be disgusted or appalled by me because I haven't told him, so we part on bad terms.

The next day, we're talking again, and this time it's in a bit more detail because he was so angry the night before, and I'm telling him that there are some things that I don't want him to deal with. And then he brings up how his/my friends at school have told him that they are worried about me. Because I am so, so obsessed. And this is when I know I have to tell him. So, to make a long story short, he tells me to promise that I will try to beat this (and I did) and that he will try to help me. And he is not disappointed with me, is not disgusted with me, and he still loves me and cares about me. But he wants me to beat this.

So, that is what happened. And I am still here, thinking FUCK because I can't beat this. This is my life, and I cannot. I think about it all the time. I think about it when I am eating, and swallowing my food, knowing that I am disgusting and can practically feel it condensing into fat around my waist, around my thighs, around my bum until I am just a big fat disgusting slob. Yesterday when I was in the bath, I looked down and felt the fat under my neck turn into a double chin. When I walk, sometimes my inner thighs brush against each other. When I sit down, sometimes my stomach spills over my jeans in little rolls.

I am 5 ft 2, and 110 pounds. I should be 90. That is my GW. People tell me I am skinny all the time, but I am not. I am FAT.

How can I recover with this mentality?