Monday, October 20, 2008


I'm watching some documentaries on anorexia on Dr Phil. They're so interesting.

It's bad I know, but what he's saying really doesn't speak to me. I just can't see it. I don't feel like I need to 'recover.' I talked to B again at length yesterday, and he's still there for me, but I really don't feel like eating more will help me.

Like I said, this weekend I binged on tons of carbs. I ate cookie dough, bread, cookies, cheese; anything I wanted I had. And now I feel sick as anything. I purged on Saturday, and it really, really hurt. Because I ate so much, it was really hard to get it out and it was absolutely rank. I don't think I've ever had such a tough time of it. And now my glands are swollen, my lips are cracked, I have a constand headache and I can just feel the food spread all over my body, gathering around my stomach and thighs.

I was doing so well before. My stomach had shrunk and my bones stuck out more, but now my belly is all bloated and hangs out over my jeans.

Guessing I upped 3 pounds or so?

I did a lot better today, but I'm still not happy.

Breakfast- 1/3 cup porridge (100) + 1.5 servings fruit (100)
Lunch- 1 apple (32)
Dinner- 3 potato + salmon + broccoli (300) + cake (200)

Not bad, I guess. But actually, I disagree. I feel like shit. I'm full. I'm not supposed to be full. I'm supposed to be empty and hollow and beautiful.

Right now I'm feeling quite discouraged and unhealthy. Dammit, I didn't have to eat the fucking cake. Now I feel bloated again. And I don't want to be.

When I walk, I can feel my thighs rub together, and when I sit down I can feel my stomach fold over itself.

I wish I wasn't so fucking fat. I know, I just know I would be happier if I lost weight. I feel so unhealthy right now. For once my feeling of fatness is secondary. I haven't felt so unhealthy since...since my last binge, I suppose.

Does anyone else get this? After eating really well and healthy, you binge and then you feel really sick afterwards?

It's like all the bad food is clogging up my insides. In fact, I think the bad food is clogging up my insides.

This is why I think that I'm actually healthier than most everyone. I know people would think I'm insane for saying that, but I do eat much healthier (normally) than anyone else I know.

If it wasn't for my family, and for B, I know I would be fasting right now. I think I'm probably going to try a salt water flush sometime. I'm wondering, though, whether I can use rock salt instead of sea salt? I've tried to look online, but it gives really vague answers and if I do it wrong then I will seriously fuck up my body.

Anyway, I really need to get some serious zzzs. I'm going to do SO much better tomorrow. And it's going to be fucking brilliant. I'm already hyped. I looked at some real girl thinspo yesterday (the celebs don't work for me) and I feel quite ready. Normally looking at thinspo doesn't help me; I never look it up and when people post pics I don't really feel motivated. It didn't really help me get hyped, really, when I saw it. It just made me feel more certain that I did want those stick thin legs, and that I can get them.

I love the feeling of free falling. I love that feeling of pushing yourself harder and harder, and verging to the breaking point. I love that feeling of, 'how low can you go.' I'm not just talking about ana...I'm talking about my life. I want to get into the best universities, so I'm going to start revising even more. I want to lose weight, so I'm restricting. When I work, I work hard. And I love it. Because I know I'm doing something in my life.

I hate it when people don't try. When there's an opportunity for better, I believe you should always strive for it, no matter how unattainable it may seem.

People reading this post may be thinking, 'what a poor girl, she really needs help. She really needs to just calm down, and relax, and just start to enjoy life and start eating.'

If anyone's thinking this, I appreciate the thought, but honestly? I couldn't be happier with my plan.

I'm eating healthy. I'm going to start exercising again. I'm going to revise more.

The result will be that I lose weight and become generally fitter and healthier, and I'll get into better schools and make my family proud of me which is my main ambition.

If I relax I will gain weight, and get into worse schools and feel like the failure I will undoubtedly be.

Why should I work less hard? Why should I not be healthier?

I'm still striving for perfection, but I'm keeping my promises and am stopping binging and am being healthier.


hey.hana said...

Good for you - health should be just as important as thinness. In fact, I've been thinking of putting myself on a detox plan of sorts ((I've always wanted to but never had the balls to write out a rigid daily menu, which is the only way I'm ever successful with things of that nature)) and I'm going to jump start it with a three day fast starting tomorrow.

Right now I'm trying to stay up through my exhaustion as my parents went out tonight and I've only had one carrot, one celery stick ((stalk?)), and the sugar licked from five orange slice gummi candy things over the last three days. Well, except for the major binge I completed a couple hours ago. I can't sleep while I'm this full. I need to digest.

I'm starting to catch myself on binges earlier and earlier, but still can't manage to stop when I first think about it, which I NEED TO DO.

ANYWAY. Yes. After this next fast it's veggies & fruit all the way, and now more than 800 cals a day, with must days being <600, and I'm RIGIDLY planning my days. Perhaps I'll put my meal plan on my blog.. mm. yes.

As for the caffeine pills, I was nervous to get them my first time, too, but just go to any 7-11 or gas station and ask - say finals are coming up or mention some papers that would justify the five packs of 16 pills you buy. Better yet, just steal them once you know where they are. I feel that caffeine pills are like gum - I juts deserve them ha ha ha ha

Oh man I'm so flipping tired I've been running on fumes for three days and it's finally catching up to me... i'm rambling and beginning a manic episode, I can almost feel it.

and thanks for your comments too! Who says we all have to be COMPLETELY isolated?

OK i'm gonna get started on meal plans and lists of food to keep me busy until my belly isn't so bloated... i just know i'm at least 123 now. I don't even want to weigh myself, It'llj ust be depressing. I'll do it after my fast.

dag sorry for the novel. manic episode, I may have mentioned:}

x Hana

jane said...

I just want to be healthy too. Over-eating is not healthy. Eating junk all the time is not healthy. If we could all just eat healthy than the developed world would not be so overweight and obese.
My main goal is to eat 3 times a day, that are nutritious and not garbage. Like you, after a few days of healthy eating, I have a binge attack. They really suck because it ruins all the hard work to achieve the empty feeling.
keep on posting