Sunday, October 5, 2008

5/10/08

Today I purged twice, once soon after breakfast and the other a little while after dinner. Ugh. I have school tomorrow...not that I don't enjoy it, but every day the stress weighs on me a little more.

I am very unhappy. I am very lonely. I am very stressed. I am very overwhelmed. I feel very despairing right now. My body is cold. Inside I am colder. I am worried. And unhappy.

In terms of eating, today was great! This morning I had an apple (32 cals), one tortilla with lean pork and veggies and cheese (230, -46, or 20%, for purging) and 1 bowl of cereal. (I'm saying 400, but it's really more like 200, -40 for purging) 576 in total, and I think I could take about 100 off that anyway because I counted the cereal wrong. Also, it's freezing, using up lots of calories too! Hooray!

I love the feeling of being thin...when I was walking around today, I could feel the bottom of my ribcage, which is not normal. And when I ate my dinner, I thought that it was going to be delicious because I was hungry, but it turns out it wasn't! And it made me feel bloated and ill. Starving really does get easier the more you do. And I know why too- because you feel numb. When I didn't eat this morning I didn't feel much, like I was walking around in a bubble, but when I ate that apple, boy did I realize how hungry I was! So now I know what it's going to be like, and it's alright. So that's what I'm going to start doing. I know I have the willpower...now I just need to put it into action.

What I'm worried about is my purging, though. I know it's unhealthy. I know that it seriously fucks up your insides. I know that it's not even very effective. So I don't know why I do it. It's getting easier to do, and now every time I see a toilet I feel the need to throw up...that combined with the urge after dinner means that I've started doing it regularly. My throat already hurts a little, and it is absolutely disgusting to stick your fingers down your throat, but I just do it anyway...

I'm so messed up right now. I'm so worried about myself. And I'm so unhappy. There's no stability in my life, and it just keeps getting harder...the stress and the despair and misery is driving me crazy.

At least at school I don't have to worry about it so much, and I'm surrounded by friends which makes it easier, but I just can't tell anyone...it's too hard to. And the workload gets harder and harder...

I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow. And I'm not going to eat very much. Maybe my mind will start to feel numb, too...

2 comments:

nadja said...

mei, thank you for being so supportive and kind. and please take care of yourself too! <3

hey.hana said...

under 600 cals, that's great! I'm sorry you feel the way you do... I used to be the same way, but my memory isn't so great so idk how I got out of the funk. The only advice I could give is to realize that any single factor or event or homework assignment or person pales in comparison to YOU. YOU are the most important person in your world, and YOU should be the only person you're worried about.

That being said, your body houses your soul, and I know for me, working on perfecting my soul's home makes me happy ;]

And with THAT being said,
starve on!
-H