Friday, October 3, 2008


I am having...such a hard time dealing with everything right now.

I feel sick. I am just obssessed with posting here. Every day I feel sick to my stomach, sick to my heart, until I can finally get on the computer and post all my emotions and read all my blogs and surf all my sites.

I hate this. I feel obligated to post and it makes me feel sick, but when I don't I just feel worse. Argh. I wish I could fix this...but I can't.

Today I purged. I've only purged once in my life before, but today I purged twice. The second time was a failure, but that doesn't mean that I didn't stick my fingers don't my throat and gagged up acid. Just because I didn't throw up food doesn't mean that I knelt over the toilet and felt my fingernails scratch the back of my throat, just because nothing came up doesn't mean I did something that I promised only a few days ago that I would never do.

I. am. such. a. failure. And I cannot stop.

Right now...right now, I am binging. In between writing, I am binging. I am fat. FAT FAT FAT. I cannot, I cannot fix this. It is driving me insane. I am so stressed right now. School is hard. My work is impossible. I am going out tomorrow with some friends, but I know I will feel bad about not revising. I am just glad it's the weekend. Because, even though I love, love, love school, there are moments when I feel like I just want to curl up and cry because my stress and pain is suddenly so acute. This feeling becomes normal when I am at home, and I get so stressed out I binge and binge until I could just die.

I am worried about everything. I feel like I am out of control with my life and it is just moving to fast for me and that I have no real strong pillar to help me through this. I know B is there for me, but I have just had confirmation that he liked/s this other girl at his school, which is what I suspected. I get the feeling that I know how he feels; you can be attracted to someone else while still really loving the other person, but it still hurts. I just feel so pathetic. I am a pathetic, worthless, fat, ugly person and I feel sickened just thinking about myself. Argh.

I know what is causing me this stress. I know that this is a problem, that I am obsessing over it waaaay too much, and I know that it is causing me hardship and pain. But I just. cannot. stop. Even with support, even with help from my friends, from B, I just cannot stop. It's like I want to hurt myself. It feels like I want to hurt myself. I hurt myself with this; I hurt my body by fluctuating what I eat by bingeing and restricting (no, I am not a yo-yo dieter), I hurt my body by exercising too much, I hurt my mind by thinking about this too much, by thinking about school too much, by thinking about B too much. God, I am such a disappointment. God, I am a wreck.

I can make more of an effort. When there is food out, I don't have to eat it. I can hide my eating habits from my friends, I can follow my plans and I can do better. And I will. Because right now, this is my salvation. I am dedicated to being skinny. My stress is overbearing, and I may not be able to control what happens in my life, but this is something I can and will control.
I am a fat, pathetic, slovenly, worthless, ugly person and I cannot do anything about this except continue, because even though this is a cause this is also my life, and I cannot change it, even though I promised him. Even though it is making me unhappy. Even though it is making everyone worried about me.

It sounds like a paradox, right? This life is causing me pain, so I get more dedicated to it? I don't understand it either. I just know that right now, I have to continue, because I cannot stop. And while it hurts and confuses me, I can't do anything else right now. Because if I try to 'recover', I will feel worse and fail.

I'll just continue, and starve on.

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