Monday, October 13, 2008


I think I'm back.

722 calories.

This is why I'm back:

Because I feel like my life cannot be fully complete without this.

Because I feel like I need some discipline in my life, and not only does doing this help me stay disciplined in this one aspect, but it helps give me the control to succeed in other areas too, most importantly revision.

Because I know that no matter how much help I get, this will not go away. Not right now anyway. Maybe at a later stage, but not now.

Today I ate my regular breakfast of porridge, an apple and half a PBJ (binge) for lunch and a big bowl of soup for dinner (binge).

I'm cutting down lower tomorrow, down to >600 again which is easily achievable. I can cut out the honey on my porridge, and I can cut out the PBJ which is about 170 cals in total.


I know my friends would be disappointed in me.

But do they have to know everything I do?

Besides, I'll cut it down gradually.

They're worried that I'm going to go too deep to get out.

Haha, if only they knew, once you're in, you're in for a looooooong time.

B, S, D, BRB, everyone else...I'm sorry.

I appreciate you much. The fact that you're still here for me is astounding.

But I cannot break free of this. This is my life.

However, I am going to do something about this.

In my own personal opinion, it is the worry and depression and anxiety that comes along with anorexia that makes it a 'problem' and an 'illness.'

If you just choose to eat less, then you're just eating less. There are people who conciously and publicly do it. Just read this article.

I don't think anyone calls them anorexic. They're applauded for their discipline. Besides, when I do this, I feel healthy. You can't possibly tell me that if I had eaten more pizza that Friday, I would be 'healthier.' I exercise. I eat healthy. The only reason I'm not 'healthy' is because I'm obsessed with what I'm doing.

As long as you're still surviving, and are in moderate health, in my opinion it doesn't matter.

So I'm going to just try to stop thinking about it and worrying about it and obsessing about it as much.

Before, I was so confused as to what path to choose, I would just obsess about it and feel worse and worse.

When I get back into the flow, it just becomes part of my lifestyle. And I just begin to be really disciplined about everything, not just food. It's like my mind goes into a shell, and I just work work work at whatever I set my mind to.

Current stats:

CW: 110 pounds
Height: 5 ft 2
GW1: 105 pounds
GW2: 100 pounds
GW3: 95 pounds
UGW: 90 pounds

I'm just going to keep on restricting.

I'm really glad :) I don't have any cravings for peanut butter because *shudders* I satisfied it by eating 1/3 jar of peanut butter by itself a day or two ago.

And I don't have much craving for anything 'dessert-like.'

Yesterday, I allowed myself an almost unspeakable sin.

Strudle with chocolate and vanilla ice cream.

Total calorie count? Don't want to know.

And it didn't even taste nice. It just tasted sort of...dull.

When I eat now, although I can taste the food, I don't really savour it anymore. I register the taste, but I just seem to ignore it. I also can't really tell when I'm hungry anymore. I think my stomach's shrunk :) My stomach rumbles, but I don't feel hungry. So I think that's a good sign too.

So, all in all, I'm back. This time for good.

And I think I've found the solution.

I cannot not continue doing this. If I don't continue, I won't be able to live the life I want. When I get into the flow of restricting, my whole life becomes more disciplined. When I don't restrict, my life becomes sloppy. So, if I want to achieve the goals I have set for myself in life (which are very, very high) I will have to become more disciplined. Which means more restricting. Which means to continue.

However, I know that my friends would be horribly hurt and worried if they knew I was doing this. But, then again, they don't understand 'this' at all. They think:

not eating -> unhealthy + stress = bad + serious consequences

This is not true. I have already stated that I am healthier than most people, healthier than, I dare say, ALL of them. So there are no negative repurcussions which eliminates the unhealthy and serious consequence aspects of the equation.

not eating -> stress = bad

If I stop obssessing over not eating and exercising, then I eliminate the stress and bad aspects.

not eating -> ?

The ? is whatever I make of it. And what I make of it is discipline. And discipline = happiness.

So, they can't really argue. I know they will argue, but they don't understand.

And I'm not going to tell them. I'm just going to say that I'm feeling better, and to be completely honest I was totally lax about covering up, sometimes even being completely obvious so I could feel cared about. That however went too far, and they became genuinely concerned, and I couldn't cover up again.

So this time, it's for real. I'm just going to restrict again, get back into the lifestyle, and it'll make my life better because I'll be more disciplined and I won't allow myself to stress about it.

Normally I never get stressed about it. Because when I am in the flow, I have perfect discipline. When I set my mind to something, I can achieve it because I know that I have the discipline. Most people don't. It's only because I am a complete OCD perfectionist that I do.

When I was uncertain, I lost my discipline because I was uncertain. Now that I am certain, my discipline will return to me and I will continue and create the life I want.

I keep on thinking of more things to write, but I'm going to stop now.

In conclusion, I am continuing, this time for real because it will make my life more structured, which is what I need to be happy now and in the future. I am, however, not going to allow myself to become obsessive and stressed about it. I will not worry my friends about it, and I will keep them updated on how I am feeling, not how much I am eating, because although they don't know it what they're worried about is how happy I am, not my calorie intake.

I know it seems like if I continue, I'll just make everyone worry about me and it will be like it was before. What I'm doing now is completely different than before, because before I was stressed and obsessed about it. Now I'll be able to keep it up while maintaining my close relationships with my darling friends because I'll be restricting and disciplined, but still happy.

I'll keep on posting daily about my triumphs and pains.

Thank you so much for all the comments out there, they mean everything to me.

Keep commenting! I love you girlies :) You are my ultimate inspiration.



nadja said...

just wanted to let you know that i'm here and reading.

hey.hana said...

I loved the math equations. They clearly explain the confused state of my mind, and I'm glad someone else is reaching the same conclusions.

and... you're 110!

I'm jealous.
and inspired.

Now to go run for an hour! ha ha ha la di dah di dah...

keep it up.

jane said...

I agree with the discipline thing. I really want to be in control of my life, my behaviour and my emotions.
Stay strong