Monday, October 27, 2008
I just don't know anymore.
In a stage of happiness and deep depression...
I want to write more, but what can I say?
I just don't know anymore.
I just feel so alone.
Why am I so lonely?
B doesn't want to hear it anymore.
I talked, and attempted to talk to him a second ago, and he made so little conversation that it's obvious...and we've just stopped talking. I want to say something, but I can't...
What is there to say?
This is much too sad.
I don't want to grow apart. I want us to stay close, and be close.
There are other guys out there, I know, but he's the only one who really knows me.
Would S still love me if he knew I was like this? No.
I can't get close to anyone...I have made absolutely heaps of new friends, but they don't really know the true me. Only he knows. And he's tired of it.
I've been eating so much more than normal.
I don't know what to do.
I just don't know what to do.
I wish he'd help me, but why would he?
He doesn't care anymore.
Paper Bag- 'cuz I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up'
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Breakfast- 1/3 scoop oatmeal (100) + 1 1/2 servings fruit (90)
Lunch- 1 fruit (30-70)
Drinks- hot chocolate (35), water (0), diluted juice (30)
So, the most it should be is 610 food wise, 675 food and drink combined.
On top of that I will be doing exercise, which should burn at least 150 off.
ham and swiss by itself
I have an idea...I'm going to start twitter for my blog. Right after I post this, actually. I think it'll help me keep my discipline up.
Today I did a lot worse. I'm going to round it up to 900, which is NOT GOOD.
However, I still think it's alright. My family have started to notice my anorexic tendencies, and keep making jokes that I'm 'anorexic without the ana'....i.e, I'm still FAT. Which is completely true.
And I'm lazy, too. Thank God it's nearly half term. Then I can revise, revise, revise without getting distracted.
I'm not revising now. I should be.
Today my mom said to me, 'You just complain about your problems to make yourself look cool. You don't have any problems.'
No, there's not much in my life I can really complain about. I'm stressed out, but I should work harder. My mom stresses me out, but it's nothing I can really complain about. My friends tell me I work too hard, but I know that I can work a lot harder than I do. They think my family is insane because they are so...I don't know, catty? What they do is just wear you down. Every day the same mean comments, the same snide words, the constant tension just builds up until you begin to crack, very, very slowly. It happened to my dad. It's not enough to make you feel like you have anything to complain about, so you try to bear it and be happy about it while it slowly hurts more and more every day...
I can do this. I'm going to allow myself to snack on my lettuce stuff as much as I want. It has to be good for you. It must be. I can't even think where the calories would be.
Don't you love it when you crave your healthy foods? I'm eating it right now.
I will do this. I will reach 90. I will do this. I will do this. I can do this, I will do this.
I'm going to start a twitter too so I can get my discipline up. Follow me, guys, and maybe start one too- it helps knowing that someone will always be discouraging you from eating that chocolate muffin!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Today I worked out for 30min on the treadmill and burnt 277 cals. I was doing really well before I got home, where I ate a small dinner and some great pickled lettuce. (seriously, guys, if you need snack food, just eat this- it's an acquired taste but if you feel like you're going to binge eat some- it's sour, so it takes away your cravings, and it has zero calories as all it is is lettuce, vinergar and peppers and some other stuff...I'll get the recipe) And then...I ate half a digestive, peanut butter, dates, ham and cheese. However, still 600! Feeling pretty pleased with myself :)
I have GOT to stop binging. I just eat and eat and eat. It's horrible, and I'm ashamed.
Thank God the exercise offset it.
I'm still feeling quite happy at the mo.
I just need to get this under control.
Otherwise, everything will be fine.
Pressure from school is hard.
There are so many things I don't understand...
Thank God it's half term in a week.
Then I can just revise all day.
Right now, I don't feel like I have enough time to revise, or even do my homework properly.
And it discourages me so much when I can't do some of my homework.
The stress is builing up, and I don't know what to do.
I must, I must get all As in my AS. I must get into the best universities in the world. I must make my family proud.
This is not for me. This is for them. I will, I will make them proud.
And I will do it.
I'm happy right now, but the stress is right behind me, snapping at my heels.
Eating less helps, at least.
Meanwhile, I'm pretty happy.
I feel like I made progress today.
I know I can do this.
I think I've lost a little bit of weight on my stomach.
My ribs stick out again. When I feel my stomach, I can feel the individual ribs.
It makes me happy. :)
But that's not due to losing weight. I need to lose 20 pounds so I can get to 90.
People in school comment about how thin I am, which is quite odd considering there are girls way, waaaay skinnier than me.
Just wait till they see how low I can go!
I will do it. I can do it, and I will do it.
I'm going to exercise every day after school like this, and I'm going to eat only my dinner and that's it.
I can go lower.
I can reach 90.
Monday, October 20, 2008
It's bad I know, but what he's saying really doesn't speak to me. I just can't see it. I don't feel like I need to 'recover.' I talked to B again at length yesterday, and he's still there for me, but I really don't feel like eating more will help me.
Like I said, this weekend I binged on tons of carbs. I ate cookie dough, bread, cookies, cheese; anything I wanted I had. And now I feel sick as anything. I purged on Saturday, and it really, really hurt. Because I ate so much, it was really hard to get it out and it was absolutely rank. I don't think I've ever had such a tough time of it. And now my glands are swollen, my lips are cracked, I have a constand headache and I can just feel the food spread all over my body, gathering around my stomach and thighs.
I was doing so well before. My stomach had shrunk and my bones stuck out more, but now my belly is all bloated and hangs out over my jeans.
Guessing I upped 3 pounds or so?
I did a lot better today, but I'm still not happy.
Breakfast- 1/3 cup porridge (100) + 1.5 servings fruit (100)
Lunch- 1 apple (32)
Dinner- 3 potato + salmon + broccoli (300) + cake (200)
Not bad, I guess. But actually, I disagree. I feel like shit. I'm full. I'm not supposed to be full. I'm supposed to be empty and hollow and beautiful.
Right now I'm feeling quite discouraged and unhealthy. Dammit, I didn't have to eat the fucking cake. Now I feel bloated again. And I don't want to be.
When I walk, I can feel my thighs rub together, and when I sit down I can feel my stomach fold over itself.
I wish I wasn't so fucking fat. I know, I just know I would be happier if I lost weight. I feel so unhealthy right now. For once my feeling of fatness is secondary. I haven't felt so unhealthy since...since my last binge, I suppose.
Does anyone else get this? After eating really well and healthy, you binge and then you feel really sick afterwards?
It's like all the bad food is clogging up my insides. In fact, I think the bad food is clogging up my insides.
This is why I think that I'm actually healthier than most everyone. I know people would think I'm insane for saying that, but I do eat much healthier (normally) than anyone else I know.
If it wasn't for my family, and for B, I know I would be fasting right now. I think I'm probably going to try a salt water flush sometime. I'm wondering, though, whether I can use rock salt instead of sea salt? I've tried to look online, but it gives really vague answers and if I do it wrong then I will seriously fuck up my body.
Anyway, I really need to get some serious zzzs. I'm going to do SO much better tomorrow. And it's going to be fucking brilliant. I'm already hyped. I looked at some real girl thinspo yesterday (the celebs don't work for me) and I feel quite ready. Normally looking at thinspo doesn't help me; I never look it up and when people post pics I don't really feel motivated. It didn't really help me get hyped, really, when I saw it. It just made me feel more certain that I did want those stick thin legs, and that I can get them.
I love the feeling of free falling. I love that feeling of pushing yourself harder and harder, and verging to the breaking point. I love that feeling of, 'how low can you go.' I'm not just talking about ana...I'm talking about my life. I want to get into the best universities, so I'm going to start revising even more. I want to lose weight, so I'm restricting. When I work, I work hard. And I love it. Because I know I'm doing something in my life.
I hate it when people don't try. When there's an opportunity for better, I believe you should always strive for it, no matter how unattainable it may seem.
People reading this post may be thinking, 'what a poor girl, she really needs help. She really needs to just calm down, and relax, and just start to enjoy life and start eating.'
If anyone's thinking this, I appreciate the thought, but honestly? I couldn't be happier with my plan.
I'm eating healthy. I'm going to start exercising again. I'm going to revise more.
The result will be that I lose weight and become generally fitter and healthier, and I'll get into better schools and make my family proud of me which is my main ambition.
If I relax I will gain weight, and get into worse schools and feel like the failure I will undoubtedly be.
Why should I work less hard? Why should I not be healthier?
I'm still striving for perfection, but I'm keeping my promises and am stopping binging and am being healthier.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Anyone else who has period problems: here are some helpful (and healthful) tricks to combat cravings. If only I had thought of them before!
Many people crave chocolate during their period. This is because chocolate contains a lot of magnesium. Unfortunately, chocolate is also very fattening...apparently eating more magnesium will make these cravings abate because what your body really wants is the magnesium. If you don't take magnesium pills, you should start a little bit before and during your period, and if you do you should up the amount you a take A LITTLE BIT.
Another trick is to eat pure cocoa powder instead of the chocolate. A little while ago I posted how to make non-fattening hot chocolate by just added a tsp of cocoa powder, some sweetner (I use splenda) and hot water. Now that is PERFECT for getting rid of cravings, because as it is pure cocoa powder it is loaded with magnesium, is caffeinated so it speeds up your metabolism, and it is extremely filling.
Maybe I'll do them another time, when I'm more prepared. As of now, it's too late. I binged absolutely fucking loads and I feel like shit. Normally when I binge, I have the sense of, 'well, tomorrow's another day and I know I can do it.' These last few days...not at all. I didn't even binge healthily. I binged on COOKIE DOUGH. I mean, seriously. WHAT THE FUCK!?
Another thing I have to admit....I have been purging recently. A lot. At least once a day. My throat feels all scratchy, my glands are swollen, I keep on getting muscle cramps and it hurts when I swallow. When I eat too much, I feel the impulse right away to throw up again. It makes me feel horrible because it's such a terrible act and it's so degrading and disgusting, but it also makes me feel better because even though I know it's not an efficient way to burn calories it just makes me feel better to be empty.
I ended up telling B about my purging. Well, not so much as telling as admitting. And, if you'd believe it, he still feels the same way about me. God knows I hate myself for doing this to him. He's really worried about me. That's an understatement. He's really, really worried about me and wants me to get help. Seriously. I keep on making promises to him, to my friends, to myself, to my readers and I end up breaking all and not being happy with anything. To be completely honest, right now what I want to do is fast for a long, long time and just...empty myself. But I know I couldn't do that to him, and really to all my friends. It's not that I would have to tell everyone else, but I know I would end up telling him and really, how much more can I load on him? I feel guilty enough about it now, but if I carry on for much longer...I don't know. I can't see the future.
However, I can't do nothing and I know that I can change somethings and satisfy both demands. Even without B's intervention, I would have changed. I know that I've been binging and am going to continue binging if I don't get back on schedule, and I definitely know that I CANNOT keep on purging.
I'm going to eat more. Which sounds bad, very bad from my usual perspective. Especially since I feels so enormous right now. However, I think it should be alright. Normally when I go home I eat at least a little bit unhealthy anyway which is not good. So here's the plan- I'm going to stick with my porridge and fruit for breakfast, and apple for lunch, but I'm going to add a healthy snack as well during the day. This should curb my cravings when I get home, as well as keep up my metabolism and energy during the day.
I am going to stop purging. I did promise B, and I myself know that it just murders your body. I can definitely feel the effects, and they really do hurt. It's unhealthy, it's ineffective, it's degrading and to be honest, it's complete madness. It hurts to do it. It hurts your body, and it hurts you. So I'm going to stop. The way I'm going to do this is simply stop binging. I know it'll be hard, but if I start eating a snack in the middle of the day and if I just think that I am completing a promise that will satisfy everyone, then I know I can do this.
I can still restrict whilst being happy. I can still lose weight and be disciplined in all aspects of my life while still being healthy. I can satisfy everything without being unhappy myself.
I think before I was too obsessed with the numbers. Now I'm just going to try to be generally more healthy. It's a better method, I think, and the one that works best for me. During the summer, this really worked for me. When I started college, I got really stressed so I just began obsessively counting. Although there are some results, the pain and worry I have put myself and my friends through is nothing compared to the minimal amount of weight I have lost. It's ineffective because all I do is restrict and binge, and everyone knows yo-yo dieting doesn't work. And it's painful to my well-being, and to all my friends.
As I said before, I just need to get into a pattern. I'll still be restricting, and am hoping to stay under 600, but I'll just be more healthy. Instead of restricting for a long period of time and then eating 400 calories all at once, I'll be spacing it out. That way I'll still feel in control, but I won't be damaging my body. I'll still be disciplined, and will still be fulfilling what I want in life, just in a less obsessive way.
It's such a simple answer, I don't know why I didn't think of it. Before, I just thought, the less I eat the more I lose. It's true, but I was feeling too guilty to follow it properly so I would just end up doing nutty stuff and hurting everyone and myself. Now I just plan on restricting like before, but I also plan on being healthy and eating at least a little bit when I'm hungry.
Okay. I can do this. Here's one for B, not that he reads this thank God, but still:
I can do this. I have the discipline, and the determination. I can do this, and I will do this.
I know my friends want me to completely 'recover' and eat 2000 calories a day. I'm sorry, but that's just not going to happen, no matter what you do. 2000 cals = binge to me. What I can do is stop obsessing about it, stop purging and eat healthy so my body doesn't go crazy on me.
Right. I think this is the one solution, the one promise that I can keep and not feel bad.
Thanks for all your support, guys. It means a lot to me.
Friday, October 17, 2008
I don't think I've ever been so depressed.
I just hate myself. I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself.
I don't know what I wish.
I wish I didn't feel this bad.
I don't even know why I feel this bad.
I just completely despise myself.
I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
This may sound completely irrational, but I think I'm really pleased with myself.
Breakfast- 1/3 cup oatmeal (100) + 1 serving peaches (80)
Lunch- 1 apple (32) + 1 sesame cracker (20)
Dinner- 1 bowl rice + beef + asparagus + dofu (300)
2 brownies (140)
1 serving blueberries (70)
8 truffles (320)
Everything below dinner sounds insane, right? But I'm trying to be positive, and here is how I am doing it. Surprisingly, it makes a lot of sense in my mind:
Normally, there aren't brownies or truffles around the house. Today was unusual because we finally opened a box of chocolates that we have had for years and my mom made brownies. When I come home, these foods aren't normally available. That's why I think it's more acceptable to eat them than to binge on food that is easily accessible.
If you're going to binge, do it on food that you can't normally get. That way your cravings are satiated, but you won't be able to satisfy them all the time because you won't be able to get the food you want.
That's how I'm looking at it, anyway. :)
I'm going to start bringing an apple and a snack to school. This is what I hope my calorie count will be before dinner:
Breakfast- 1/3 cup oatmeal (100) + 1 serving fruit (60-80)
Lunch- 1 apple (32) + healthy snack (>120)
If I did that, then I would have room for 268 calories to reach 600 a day. Which should be plenty.
Also, if I eat more during the day, then that should cut my binges when I get home and keep my metabolism up.
I hope, anyway.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Total calorie count= 1107
Yeah, I know. Waaaaay too much. But, you know what? I'm being positive. I'm not allowing myself to dwell on this. I'm going to stay positive. I'll do better tomorrow, and that will be great, so I'll be even more happy.
One thing that is annoying me, however...WHY THE HELL DOES D KEEP TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT ME!?
Okay, overexaggeration...he told Z and B to make sure I ate loads of pizza on Friday, and today when Z came in again he started questionning me about how much I'm eating and when he saw my lunch told me, 'that wouldn't even be enough for a fly.' I think he knows something's up, but I'm banking on him forgetting because we go to different schools and are not very close.
Still, that's not the point. I know D thinks he is helping me, but it really doesn't help to eat more. This is what Dan thinks:
not eating = bad
eating = good
not eating + eating more = good
Because I just love doing equations :)
He doesn't understand at all. And I don't blame him. I just hope he doesn't keep on advertising to people that I have an ED.
Apart from that, I feel quite...content. A little bit worried, and anxious, and unstable, but otherwise quite content.
I have friends that adore me, and it's not only the ones I've mentioned previously. I've made absolutely tons of new friends at college, I'm doing pretty well in my classes and I'm...happy.
This doesn't need to control my life. This can improve my life.
I hope it keeps on going well :)
Wish me luck! Loving the comments!
Monday, October 13, 2008
This is why I'm back:
Because I feel like my life cannot be fully complete without this.
Because I feel like I need some discipline in my life, and not only does doing this help me stay disciplined in this one aspect, but it helps give me the control to succeed in other areas too, most importantly revision.
Because I know that no matter how much help I get, this will not go away. Not right now anyway. Maybe at a later stage, but not now.
Today I ate my regular breakfast of porridge, an apple and half a PBJ (binge) for lunch and a big bowl of soup for dinner (binge).
I'm cutting down lower tomorrow, down to >600 again which is easily achievable. I can cut out the honey on my porridge, and I can cut out the PBJ which is about 170 cals in total.
I know my friends would be disappointed in me.
But do they have to know everything I do?
Besides, I'll cut it down gradually.
They're worried that I'm going to go too deep to get out.
Haha, if only they knew, once you're in, you're in for a looooooong time.
B, S, D, BRB, everyone else...I'm sorry.
I appreciate you all...so much. The fact that you're still here for me is astounding.
But I cannot break free of this. This is my life.
However, I am going to do something about this.
In my own personal opinion, it is the worry and depression and anxiety that comes along with anorexia that makes it a 'problem' and an 'illness.'
If you just choose to eat less, then you're just eating less. There are people who conciously and publicly do it. Just read this article.
I don't think anyone calls them anorexic. They're applauded for their discipline. Besides, when I do this, I feel healthy. You can't possibly tell me that if I had eaten more pizza that Friday, I would be 'healthier.' I exercise. I eat healthy. The only reason I'm not 'healthy' is because I'm obsessed with what I'm doing.
As long as you're still surviving, and are in moderate health, in my opinion it doesn't matter.
So I'm going to just try to stop thinking about it and worrying about it and obsessing about it as much.
Before, I was so confused as to what path to choose, I would just obsess about it and feel worse and worse.
When I get back into the flow, it just becomes part of my lifestyle. And I just begin to be really disciplined about everything, not just food. It's like my mind goes into a shell, and I just work work work at whatever I set my mind to.
CW: 110 pounds
Height: 5 ft 2
GW1: 105 pounds
GW2: 100 pounds
GW3: 95 pounds
UGW: 90 pounds
I'm just going to keep on restricting.
I'm really glad :) I don't have any cravings for peanut butter because *shudders* I satisfied it by eating 1/3 jar of peanut butter by itself a day or two ago.
And I don't have much craving for anything 'dessert-like.'
Yesterday, I allowed myself an almost unspeakable sin.
Strudle with chocolate and vanilla ice cream.
Total calorie count? Don't want to know.
And it didn't even taste nice. It just tasted sort of...dull.
When I eat now, although I can taste the food, I don't really savour it anymore. I register the taste, but I just seem to ignore it. I also can't really tell when I'm hungry anymore. I think my stomach's shrunk :) My stomach rumbles, but I don't feel hungry. So I think that's a good sign too.
So, all in all, I'm back. This time for good.
And I think I've found the solution.
I cannot not continue doing this. If I don't continue, I won't be able to live the life I want. When I get into the flow of restricting, my whole life becomes more disciplined. When I don't restrict, my life becomes sloppy. So, if I want to achieve the goals I have set for myself in life (which are very, very high) I will have to become more disciplined. Which means more restricting. Which means to continue.
However, I know that my friends would be horribly hurt and worried if they knew I was doing this. But, then again, they don't understand 'this' at all. They think:
not eating -> unhealthy + stress = bad + serious consequences
This is not true. I have already stated that I am healthier than most people, healthier than, I dare say, ALL of them. So there are no negative repurcussions which eliminates the unhealthy and serious consequence aspects of the equation.
not eating -> stress = bad
If I stop obssessing over not eating and exercising, then I eliminate the stress and bad aspects.
not eating -> ?
The ? is whatever I make of it. And what I make of it is discipline. And discipline = happiness.
So, they can't really argue. I know they will argue, but they don't understand.
And I'm not going to tell them. I'm just going to say that I'm feeling better, and to be completely honest I was totally lax about covering up, sometimes even being completely obvious so I could feel cared about. That however went too far, and they became genuinely concerned, and I couldn't cover up again.
So this time, it's for real. I'm just going to restrict again, get back into the lifestyle, and it'll make my life better because I'll be more disciplined and I won't allow myself to stress about it.
Normally I never get stressed about it. Because when I am in the flow, I have perfect discipline. When I set my mind to something, I can achieve it because I know that I have the discipline. Most people don't. It's only because I am a complete OCD perfectionist that I do.
When I was uncertain, I lost my discipline because I was uncertain. Now that I am certain, my discipline will return to me and I will continue and create the life I want.
I keep on thinking of more things to write, but I'm going to stop now.
In conclusion, I am continuing, this time for real because it will make my life more structured, which is what I need to be happy now and in the future. I am, however, not going to allow myself to become obsessive and stressed about it. I will not worry my friends about it, and I will keep them updated on how I am feeling, not how much I am eating, because although they don't know it what they're worried about is how happy I am, not my calorie intake.
I know it seems like if I continue, I'll just make everyone worry about me and it will be like it was before. What I'm doing now is completely different than before, because before I was stressed and obsessed about it. Now I'll be able to keep it up while maintaining my close relationships with my darling friends because I'll be restricting and disciplined, but still happy.
I'll keep on posting daily about my triumphs and pains.
Thank you so much for all the comments out there, they mean everything to me.
Keep commenting! I love you girlies :) You are my ultimate inspiration.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Forgot to mention that yesterday was my friend's birthday and we had to go to Pizza Hut (now known as Pasta Hut, crazy!) and it was really, really not fun. When I sat down, Z (the birthday boy) said to me, 'by the way, I've been told to tell you no calorie recording this evening.' I tried to laugh it off, and then Z says, 'but really, have you been recording everything you eat?' and B stupidly says, 'I didn't tell him!' So now it's completely obvious I have an ED, and the other girl who came just kept staring and staring at me in such pity that I felt sick.
And then I felt actually physically sick because it was so hot, and the pizza came and I had to eat a slice, and I felt all dizzy and I was shaking like crazy and then I had to go outside and it was so, so extremely awkward because normally I'm all peppy and happy but this time I was really dead and quiet. And then when we went out I was weaving because I was so dizzy, and B had to walk with me and hold my hand and tell me I was going to be alright and it was just. so. humiliating.
The girl, Charlotte I think her name was, kept on turning around to look at me while all this was happening and kept on giving me this really pitying smile while I sat there, nibbling on that horrible, horrible piece of pizza and when I was walking with B and he was holding my hand with his arm around me whispering to me, 'Are you alright? Did you eat too much? It's going to be okay. We'll help you through this.'
After I came home I talked to him about it. A lot. And he's really a great listener, but I can just tell that even though he wants to hear it because it makes me feel better, he really doesn't want to hear it. No one wants to hear it, really. And because I have no idea what I'm talking about, he has no idea what I'm talking about.
I don't know what to do. Still. Apologies, readers, for my horrible lack of decisiveness. I've been getting into more regular eating patterns, so it'll be hard to break out of them again. I would make my friends feel a lot happier, which matters a lot to me because even though they don't understand this part of me, they do care about me and I cannot, I cannot have them still worry about me because it makes me feel guilty. I have promised them that I would recover. I promised S. I promised B (who believes I'm trying my hardest at this- if only he knew about my purging and my restrictions this week) and I promised BRB today (who, by the way, knows me well enough to know that I will lie to stop people worrying). This combined with my conscience is enough to try to get me to 'recover' and stop doing this. Maybe I'd be happier. I know that ana is not the solution to the problems. However...
...there are a few things are stopping me. One is a post from Belle Svelte, a blogger that I follow. (hope you don't mind me writing about you, btw, everything you've written is very inspiring!) Here's some passages that really made me think:
'but I can honestly say that on this blog, even if I am anonymous, on some level...I can relate to you all. Even if I don't know who you are, where you come from, or even what you are like with your friends/family, I know that by looking at your height, weight, goal weight etc. I can understand the troubles you go through. I can relate.'
I definitely understand this. My friends, although I adore them and they care about me, I can't relate to about this. D, for instance, believes I'm doing this for attention. I can perfectly understand why he thinks that, so I'm not angry with him. It's a complex mindset. I don't even fully understand it myself. But this means that through all my pain, and all my triumphs, they won't understand. BRB today when I told her said to me, 'I don't know why you can't make it go away so then you'll be alright. I mean, I know you can't, but...it just bothers me that I'm not going to be able to help you because there's no quick solution.'
The one thing B always says to me is, 'Just try to relax. It's all going to be alright. We're here to help you.' I know they're here to help, and I know they can help me in the sense that it makes me feel better to talk to them, but they can't really help me address the core issue. Yesterday when I was talking to B, I said to him, 'I wish someone could just take this away from me and I wouldn't have to think about this anymore' and he replied, 'Unfortunately the only person who can do that is you honey, and that's it. Me and everyone else can help, but ultimately you and you alone that has the power.' Which is so, so true.
Which is why it makes me think that I can carry on like this. I know that this is not something that can easily be 'recovered' from. I know from reading those still 'in recovery' that every day is a struggle, perhaps an even harder struggle than when they were ana. Every day is hard, and will be hard, but it gives me a sense of control and satisfaction and it also helps me know that there are others out there like me. Because it's not just that we all share the same methods, and that we all want to lose weight, it's that our minds function similarly. We all know that daily struggle of wanting that cookie, and the triumph or the failure of avoiding or succumbing to the temptation. We all know what it's like to lose that pound, and then gain it back after binging on the weekend. We all know what it's like to have ana. So we can all support each other in our triumphs and failures. As Belle said, 'I can relate to you all...and I feel like I am finally part of something where I am no longer an outsider looking in.'
Something else that made me really stop and think was Hana's comment on my blog (thank you for the support, it means everything to me!) This is part of what she said:
'Now it comes down to this: what is more important to you? Your friends who don't really know you and who jump to insulting conclusions without even trying to understand, or your illness which gives you both pain and comfort, gives you direction and meaning, which is part of who you are?
It's up to you... and remember, you can always "get better" to get those fuckers off your back. It doesn't take long for others to return to their self involved selfish ways ((trust me)).'
Now, this is one of the main reasons that I'm hesitating really, truly trying to make an effort to get better. All these times when I've said, 'fine, fuck, I'll stop,' I never really meant them. And this is why. Because every time I say it, I always know that I'll be back here tomorrow, posting about how hard it was to resist that chocolate digestive. I know that to recover, you must have your whole mind dedicated to it. And I just don't. Because I know that my ED is a part of me that I just can't change...yet. If ever.
I've decided to take a few days to see what to do. I know, I know...I'm being indecisive, and I normally hate indecisiveness, but I really have no clue. One half of me urges me to use my common sense and do what my friends want and stop, and maybe even climb to some sort of level of stable happiness in my life. The other half wants me to continue, to lie, purge and restrict but continue on, and to follow that elusive goal of my GW which always seems close within my grasp but always so far away...
I'm going to keep on posting daily, like usual. As anyone who has tried to recover should know, it's a hard, hard choice that doesn't get any easier for a looooong time.
Thank you for the support, everyone :) I love getting comments, and I love reading your blogs.
Even if I go onto to 'recovery', I'll keep posting and reading.
...I feel like I need to write more and explain my feelings, my trepidation of continuing if I choose to, my fears of the depression, anger, loneliness and helplessness that accompany it, and the unhappiness and anger I will undoubtedly receive from my friends...
but I'm going to try not to think about it anymore, and not do anything about it for a few days, and then maybe I'll decide.
Friday, October 10, 2008
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to think.
I feel like I'm going to die.
I feel like I've been sucked into a big, deep whirlwind of despair that I can't climb out of.
I've been eating 'normally' which to me = binging.
I don't know what to do. I just don't, I just don't know what to do. And it's killing me.
Yesterday D told me he thought I was 'attention seeking.' At first when he said this to me, I thought, 'maybe I am. Maybe he's right. Maybe I am just doing this for the attention after all, but haven't realized properly until now.'
But then I thought...
WHAT THE FUCK.
Why the FUCK would ANYONE do this for ATTENTION!?
If I was a wannarexic, I would have been very, very self-satisfied by now, scaring my friends to death about this.
Who the FUCK do you think I am to do this for attention?
Do you think that I would kneel there, naked, in front of the toilet and jab my FUCKING fingers down my throat day after day and cry while I threw up the remenants of my latest binge?
Do you think I would torture myself DAILY with that one cookie, with that one extra serving, with a normal MEAL because I want attention?
Do you think I would go through this hell, this fucking HELL of self-deprivation just for the fucking ATTENTION?
Every day when I'm so depressed I could just cry and scream because I ate ONE FUCKING COOKIE...I'm not doing it for attention. To be honest, I don't know why I'm doing it. But I'm doing it, and that's all that matters.
Don't EVER fucking tell me that the pain I have gone through is not worth it.
Don't EVER fucking tell me that I am fucking up my body for no reason at all.
Don't EVER fucking tell me that I am isolating myself, worrying my friends and killing myself both physically and emotionally for no FUCKING reason at all.
Don't EVER fucking say it to me.
Don't ever, don't ever tell me that I go through this for attention. Don't EVER fucking say it to me.
I'm so fucked up right now. Just. So. Fucked. Up.
I don't think I can give it up. My bracelet burns on my skin, although I can't feel it, my skin crawls knowing that it's on me, and I'm wearing it...
But I don't think I can give it up. This IS me, this IS my life.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Don't even want to list it.
It's not a binge.
Yesterday, my friend D noticed me writing in my food diary and saw the amount of calories I had eaten the day before (900 and something) and told S because he was worried.
So S had a long discussion about it with me, and I ended up spilling a lot of guts out.
I feel so, so shit.
S was so worried he was almost crying.
I asked him how worried he was
and he said, 'if me, or B, or D was ill, and you didn't know what the worst possible outcome was and how bad it was going to get, tell me how worried you'd be.'
He wants me to get help.
I don't need help. If I'm going to recover, I'll recover on my own.
Sometimes I look back and think what people have said, and I think to myself, 'you're such an attention seeker, pretending to be this way.' And then I think...'wait...this isn't attention seeking. You ARE this way, because if you were attention seeking you'd have satisfied your need and would stop. You actually ARE anorexic.'
It's almost like I'm in denial. I keep on thinking to myself, 'no, you're really not...there's no way.'
But I am. I really am. I am anorexic.
When I see the words written down, I can't believe it.
I can't believe I'm anorexic.
People keep on telling me, 'you need help, this is serious' and I keep on laughing it off because I think, 'ridiculous, I can't possibly need help. That's for serious cases.'
Maybe I am a serious case. Maybe S is right. Maybe it'll go too far and I won'd be able to stop it.
I still refuse to get help. Even if I need help, I can do it myself.
I can't believe I am. But this is why I think I am:
- I think about this ALL THE TIME
- My friends are worried sick about me, but I won't stop
- I nearly stopped the most important relationship in my life for this
- I'm purging, even though I know it is incredibly unhealthy for me
- When I eat too much, my mood spirals down to rock bottom
- My happiness is dependant on how little I eat
- I'm considering taking pills to lose weight
- I took some ana tests (online) and I scored between 90-100% positive
- I'm starting to binge and purge a little, but a little goes a looooong way
- When I eat, all I can think about is calories
- I have a diary of what I eat
I think I am anorexic. I always thought, 'no, it can't be that serious.' But I think it is serious. I keep on telling myself, 'if you want to, you can stop.' But when put with that decision, it kills me. For example, I asked S if he didn't want me to go to the gym and he said, 'yes, I'd prefer if you didn't go. Are you okay about that?' I said yes automatically, but then when I thought about it I felt like absolutely shit.
Maybe I'm not okay. Maybe this really is a problem.
Most of the time I don't consider myself to be thin enough, or disciplined enough, to be ana. But maybe I really am.
I'm at an impossible crossroad right now. My friends are worried sick about me. I am purging a lot. If I stopped acting this way, them maybe I would be happier, and certainly my friends would be. Everyone is so, so worried about me. D is angry with me.
Fuck. Fuck. I'll stop. I can't take this any more.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
And restricting even more tomorrow :)
Breakfast- 1/3 scoop oatmeal (100) + 1 serving mangoes (60)
Lunch- 2 green apples (64) + 1 cereal bar (140)
Dinner- 1 serving fish curry (372) + 1 serving rice (160)
Snacks- 2 slices ham + 3 slices cheese (40) + 7 jalepenos + red peppers + 1/2 fuji apple (40)
15 min treadmill (-150)
Purged dinner (-45% = -239)
Oh, score! Tomorrow, I am planning on taking out ALL my snacks and the cereal bar. This should leave a total of:
=824 without exercising and purging.
So, WITH exercise, that should equal at least:
824 - 150=674
And if I restrict breakfast and dinner:
674 - 50 - 100 = 524.
I'm trying not to purge anymore. I know it's horribly unhealthy and I don't want to do it. Here is my motive:
I only purge when I eat too much.
Purging is unhealthy.
If I don't want to purge, I shouldn't eat as much.
Perfect motive :)
Tomorrow I'm going to buy some caffeine pills, and I'm also going to carry around some Tums with me. Yaaay.
I can do this. I am doing this. I will do this. Every day it gets better.
One problem I have: when I get hungry, I always go and eat peanut butter. Only a little at a time, but it adds up. What can I do to stop this? I know that I don't have the willpower to not. Is there any food that I can binge on that isn't fattening but tastes just as good? Anybody have any good binge food?
I'm thinking maybe raisins, or cereal? Or something of the sort.
Also, this makes me happy: 10 calorie hot chocolate that is HEALTHY for you. Yes, that's right. Okay, so it may not taste like the great, 300 calorie ones filled with cream and chocolate, but it's a good substitute and is great to drink around other people because they don't know it's actually only 10 calories instead of 500.
1 tsp of pure cocoa powder + water = hot chocolate!
Cocoa powder is full of caffeine, which helps you lose weight, and it is also surprisingly filling because it's not just water, it's water with another substance. So it keeps you pretty full.
Actually, maybe that would make a good binge food...
I haven't tried yet, but I assume that if you add some other tasty things it will be just as good as the fattening stuff. Right now it's quite bitter, but if you added some splenda, maybe a little milk, cinnamon? It might be good. And not very fattening either. Grrreat.
Also, another really great thing when you're binging: if you're a spicy food fan, add peppers to EVERYTHING! They increase your metabolism, so you don't have to feel as guilty about eating when you do binge. It's great. Today I had some slices of ham and cheese, but I added tons of peppers to it so hopefully my metabolism spiked just as I ate!
I'm so pleased with myself. I feel so happy. The only problem is, I feel full. This freaks me out. When I'm full, I just assume I ate too much.
I have to stop eating so much at home, but I can't- food is my distraction, and it is readily available.
And after I purge, I get hungry.
Hmmm...what should I do...?
PS, in response to Jane:
Thanks for your support! It really helps knowing there are people out there reading this blog, it definitely makes me more determined. Although I don't have a scale, I do think I have lost some weight...before, around my stomach I was getting a little bit pudgy. Now, however, I think I'm a little bit more toned! Before when I ate, my stomach used to go a tiny little bit outwards from the bottom of my ribcage. Now, my stomach goes a little bit inwards, and when I walk sometimes I can feel my bottom ribs poke out!
It makes me happy :) Now I just need to lose some weight on my legs...seriously, I have THUNDER THIGHS. My mom and brother tease me about my treestumpish legs. But I will do it, and I will soon achieve the beautiful twig-thin legs I have always wanted.
Just keep posting, guys, you give me determination!
Tomorrow, I'm going to try to reduced to >550. Yeah!
Monday, October 6, 2008
Breakfast- 1/3 cup porridge (100) + 1 serving mangoes (60)
Lunch- 1 medium sized green apple (32) + 1/4 PBJ (70)
Dinner- 1 large serving spaghettit + redsauce + 1 sausage (692)
I didn't know spaghetti had SO MANY FUCKING CALORIES.
That just FUCKING RUINED my day.
I just looked up the number of calories just to be sure.
I estimated about 250.
Well, that'll teach me to be a fat fucking pig! When I got that massive plate, I thought, hmm, I could eat half of that and be very full. I looked at my bracelet and thought, 'This could make my day.' When I ate about a quarter I thought, 'hmm, I could stop now and be pleased with myself.' But NO! I had to eat the whole fucking thing. And I didn't even PURGE.
In other news, my day went pretty well! At school I'm actually pretty happy. My friends keep me afloat and I adore them (even though they have NO CLUE about my eating habits. They think I'm a health nut, but I can safely smile and say, 'No, just trying to be healthy!' and they don't question it. Except Lara, when I threw away my sandwich. 'You don't eat anything at all!' 'I do, I'm eating this apple.' 'But that's so little.' 'No, you get used to it.' '...but why would you want to get used to it?' BECAUSE I WANT TO BE THIN! But that's been it so far.) I also ran into B today! Nothing much happened. He was nice. He didn't seem worried about me, though. He seemed just...normal. Like there was nothing. But I don't think it matters. I'm seeing him and some friends on Friday to celebrate our friend's birthday at Pizza Hut. UGH. How sickening it's going to be. Pizza= oil + fat. Disgusting. I guess I'll see him there!
Success: My mom is going to stop making me lunch because I told her I'm going to start buying soup at the cafe for 50p. It's true, there's soup there, and it's 50p, but it's in a tiny little cup and is only 52 calories. That's my snack, if I really need it. She ranted at me for a while about how I'm wasting my money and need to get a job, but she's letting me.
YES. NO MORE CRAVINGS. NO MORE GIVING UP AND EATING THE ENTRE PBJ.
Woah, I looked up the no. of calories and it's 380. Holy fuck me shitless. That's a hell of a lot more than I thought.
380-32=348 cals saved.
And at breakfast, I'm going to start eating less too. I don't need to finish the entire bowl, it's unneccessary. And at dinner, I definitely don't have to finish everything. Also, I'm going to start carrying around Tums with me, as well as caffeine pills and gum. Yay.
I love not eating. When I'm full, I feel frightened and guilty, and I worry that I'm counting my calories wrong (which, evidently, I have been. Shit.) So now I just like feeling empty. I know I can survive eating very little. I just need to be able to do this.
And I can do this. I will do this.
Thanks for the support, guys, I really need it right now and I love getting comments. It gives me determination.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
I am very unhappy. I am very lonely. I am very stressed. I am very overwhelmed. I feel very despairing right now. My body is cold. Inside I am colder. I am worried. And unhappy.
In terms of eating, today was great! This morning I had an apple (32 cals), one tortilla with lean pork and veggies and cheese (230, -46, or 20%, for purging) and 1 bowl of cereal. (I'm saying 400, but it's really more like 200, -40 for purging) 576 in total, and I think I could take about 100 off that anyway because I counted the cereal wrong. Also, it's freezing, using up lots of calories too! Hooray!
I love the feeling of being thin...when I was walking around today, I could feel the bottom of my ribcage, which is not normal. And when I ate my dinner, I thought that it was going to be delicious because I was hungry, but it turns out it wasn't! And it made me feel bloated and ill. Starving really does get easier the more you do. And I know why too- because you feel numb. When I didn't eat this morning I didn't feel much, like I was walking around in a bubble, but when I ate that apple, boy did I realize how hungry I was! So now I know what it's going to be like, and it's alright. So that's what I'm going to start doing. I know I have the willpower...now I just need to put it into action.
What I'm worried about is my purging, though. I know it's unhealthy. I know that it seriously fucks up your insides. I know that it's not even very effective. So I don't know why I do it. It's getting easier to do, and now every time I see a toilet I feel the need to throw up...that combined with the urge after dinner means that I've started doing it regularly. My throat already hurts a little, and it is absolutely disgusting to stick your fingers down your throat, but I just do it anyway...
I'm so messed up right now. I'm so worried about myself. And I'm so unhappy. There's no stability in my life, and it just keeps getting harder...the stress and the despair and misery is driving me crazy.
At least at school I don't have to worry about it so much, and I'm surrounded by friends which makes it easier, but I just can't tell anyone...it's too hard to. And the workload gets harder and harder...
I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow. And I'm not going to eat very much. Maybe my mind will start to feel numb, too...
Saturday, October 4, 2008
I feel horrible, and guilty, and pained, and sad, and very, very overwhelmed. I have so much work to do. I went out today with some of my new friends which was a nice break. Normally I don't think I would because I simply don't have the time, but I felt sort of obligated to because they're new friends so you have to go through the process of socializing, getting to know them, etc. So, although it was fun, it was definitely a waste of time. I have so much work to do. I am so stressed. I am behind in all my classes. I want to get all As. I feel sick. I am worried. I shouldn't be purging, but my god, it feels good. I shouldn't be restricting and worrying, but I can't help it. I'm stressed about school but I can't see that going away anytime soon. My parents think I'm lazy, and they think I spend too much time on Facebook- ha! If only they knew, I go on the computer to look at...well, all this stuff, really. God, I am so stressed. God, I am so sick. But I can't stop.
The funny thing is, before, I used to scorn anorexics and bulimics. I used to think, 'oh, how selfish of them, and how attention-seeking, to make such a big deal about food when there are people out there who would appreciate this so much.' And now, suddenly, I am one. And I completely understand. And I hate it and love it. And I can't help myself.
I'm so stressed right now. So, so stressed. I feel completely overwhelmed. I am extremely emotional and, although I am not having the mood swings I used to, at school I am content until I get stressed (which is often) and at home I am in a constant worried, overwhelmed state of misery.
I feel pathetic writing this blog. My problem's aren't even problems. It makes me feel ridiculous. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.
I wish that everything would just go away and I could be happy again. I used to be so happy.
I wish I could stop worrying about food. I wish I could stop worrying about my health. I wish I could stop worrying about schoolwork. I wish I could stop worrying about B. I wish, I wish, I wish...but nothing ever comes true.
I don't think I'll ever lose the amount of weight I want to lose.
I don't think he even wants to talk to me anymore.
I don't think I'll ever get better in school.
I don't think I'll ever make anyone proud of me.
I don't think it's going to get any easier.
I don't think the pain is going to go away.
I don't have anyone to talk to, except for B mainly and S a little, but neither understand how I feel and I don't want to bother them because B will get annoyed, and S just doesn't get it.
I feel like a little whiny, angsty middle class teenage wannarexic writing this.
But I know it's so much more than that.
I know a lot of people complain about wannarexics fasting for a day or two and then stopping (in other words, crash dieting) and whining about how the boy they like doesn't like them.
I just wanted to clear this up in case anyone thinks that: I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.
I wish I could just be happy again. I wish I could just be happy with my weight and eat what I wanted and not worry.
It seems like the obvious solution, but that is so impossible for me that I have to come up solutions that end up hurting me and the ones I carry about. (like me cutting off any contact with B)
My emotions are just so splayed here...anything that comes into my head I write, so I'm sure it doesn't make any sense at all.
One moment I am so acutely unhappy I just want to cry.
Another moment I am feeling normal, even happy, until I remember again...
One moment I feel so stressed with school that I just want to sit by myself and sleep to forget about it.
Another moment I'm thinking I'm doing well in school, and am feeling pleased with myself and bright and capable.
One moment I don't care, I just want to get on with my life and be happy.
Another moment I care so much, and am just so unhappy because he's the one stable person in my life who actually cares and has always cared.
One moment I think that I need to stop, that this is serious, that I am spending too much time thinking and worrying and that I do have anorexia, maybe even verging onto bulimia now, and that this is a serious problem.
Another moment I'm thinking, do I really have a disorder? Or is this just attention seeking, or maybe even just normal behaviour?
I'm confused. I don't know. And I'm worried. And stressed. And overwhelmed. And emotional.
I keep on listening to Oasis. Their songs are so touching right now, I feel like I want to cry whenever I hear them:
Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you I don't know how
You're gonna be the one who saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall
Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now
And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I
Would like to say to you
But I don't know how
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
I need a wonderwall. But the only person who can do this is myself. Lonely me, friendly on the outside, happy on the outside, with the lots of friends on the outside, but cold and empty on the inside with lots of problems with no one who can help me fight me.
Friday, October 3, 2008
I feel sick. I am just obssessed with posting here. Every day I feel sick to my stomach, sick to my heart, until I can finally get on the computer and post all my emotions and read all my blogs and surf all my sites.
I hate this. I feel obligated to post and it makes me feel sick, but when I don't I just feel worse. Argh. I wish I could fix this...but I can't.
Today I purged. I've only purged once in my life before, but today I purged twice. The second time was a failure, but that doesn't mean that I didn't stick my fingers don't my throat and gagged up acid. Just because I didn't throw up food doesn't mean that I knelt over the toilet and felt my fingernails scratch the back of my throat, just because nothing came up doesn't mean I did something that I promised only a few days ago that I would never do.
I. am. such. a. failure. And I cannot stop.
Right now...right now, I am binging. In between writing, I am binging. I am fat. FAT FAT FAT. I cannot, I cannot fix this. It is driving me insane. I am so stressed right now. School is hard. My work is impossible. I am going out tomorrow with some friends, but I know I will feel bad about not revising. I am just glad it's the weekend. Because, even though I love, love, love school, there are moments when I feel like I just want to curl up and cry because my stress and pain is suddenly so acute. This feeling becomes normal when I am at home, and I get so stressed out I binge and binge until I could just die.
I am worried about everything. I feel like I am out of control with my life and it is just moving to fast for me and that I have no real strong pillar to help me through this. I know B is there for me, but I have just had confirmation that he liked/s this other girl at his school, which is what I suspected. I get the feeling that I know how he feels; you can be attracted to someone else while still really loving the other person, but it still hurts. I just feel so pathetic. I am a pathetic, worthless, fat, ugly person and I feel sickened just thinking about myself. Argh.
I know what is causing me this stress. I know that this is a problem, that I am obsessing over it waaaay too much, and I know that it is causing me hardship and pain. But I just. cannot. stop. Even with support, even with help from my friends, from B, I just cannot stop. It's like I want to hurt myself. It feels like I want to hurt myself. I hurt myself with this; I hurt my body by fluctuating what I eat by bingeing and restricting (no, I am not a yo-yo dieter), I hurt my body by exercising too much, I hurt my mind by thinking about this too much, by thinking about school too much, by thinking about B too much. God, I am such a disappointment. God, I am a wreck.
I can make more of an effort. When there is food out, I don't have to eat it. I can hide my eating habits from my friends, I can follow my plans and I can do better. And I will. Because right now, this is my salvation. I am dedicated to being skinny. My stress is overbearing, and I may not be able to control what happens in my life, but this is something I can and will control.
It sounds like a paradox, right? This life is causing me pain, so I get more dedicated to it? I don't understand it either. I just know that right now, I have to continue, because I cannot stop. And while it hurts and confuses me, I can't do anything else right now. Because if I try to 'recover', I will feel worse and fail.
I'll just continue, and starve on.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
I am officially torn.
I cannot decide.
And it's driving me insane.
now that I'm supposed to be 'recovering', I notice food a lot more. And worse, I feel like I have the right to eat it.
When I eat it, I feel sick. And I feel disgusting, and slovenly. It makes me feel out of control, which I am, because I'm eating. And when I eat, I eat a lot. Which is why I have been binging out of control for the last 2 days.
God, I hate myself.
If this is supposed to be making me feel better, it's not working. At all.
I can't give up this lifestyle. This lifestyle is my life.
I know the routine...I binged, so now I'm going to completely restrict for a long, long time. Every now and then I just go crazy, and then I stop myself again. But now, I feel like I should be going crazy eating, because that's supposed to make me 'better.'
What is better, anyway? Eating normally? Or losing the mindset?
What people don't understand is that anorexia is not just about not eating. Anorexia is a mindset. Anorexia is a lifestyle. It's not just about eating more, not counting calories, etc. It's about losing the mindset. And it's hard to lose the mindset. It's impossible. Even though I'm eating more, I would still consider myself anorexic because I am so obssessive about it. Most of my day is consumed with thinking about it. Every day, in my spare time I think about food, about going to exercise, mentally adding up my approximate calorie count for the day, how much I burnt, what I should eat, tricks to make me not hungry, eyeing up girls to see if they are ana, tricks for not making people notice, if what I am doing is wrong, if I should give it up and be 'healthy' or stay like this and keep going.
I don't know. I can't 'recover.' I may eat more, but it's not just about curing my weight, it's about curing my mind. Which is impossible.
I feel like I am going to cry.
Everything is so stressful. I hate this.
School is hard...the work is insane. I can't keep up. Today I got 60% on my test. FUCKING 60%! That is the LOWEST I have ever gotten! And I want to get an A in that class! What the fuck is wrong with me?
Home life is hard...my parents keep on yelling at me to try harder, so I can get into the best universities. And they just yell and yell and yell...not only about that, but everything.
And my mom keeps on telling me how pathetic I am, about everything, and God knows that she can aim! She always picks at my weak spots, and it just kills me.
And B wants me to get better. Did I ever explain about that? I guess I didn't. I'll explain now.
Friday night: we're talking, and I'm at a complete crossroad.
If I go left, I'll recover, stop thinking about it, start eating more and continue a 'normal' life as if it never happened. I'm thinking that I can't bear to let him know I'm ana, because I don't want him to be disgusted by me, or ashamed of me, or disappointed in me, and to stop loving me. B has a very high opinion of me. He's the only one who has been there for me. By letting him know I'm ana, I thought I would stop that.
If I go right, I continue- this is the point where I know that I can either go full-blown or get better. Everything is urging me to go left, but I am just yearning and yearning to go right. I can't give this up- it is my lifestyle, it is my life. It is the only thing I completely control. Even if my life just crumbles, I lose all my friends and all those I love, even when I am stressed beyond my mind, I can still choose what to put in my mouth. And I love that.
So, I decided to go right. I tell B that I don't think we should talk anymore. And then it comes true, he says fine, good luck, goodbye and blocks me. He's incredibly hurt, shocked and is absolutely furious. So suddenly I realize that I'm actually doing this horrible thing to the one person I love, who has always been there for me, and we're parting on such bad terms that I can't bear to do it anymore (crazy, I know, I'm insane) and then I have to persuade him to unblock me so we can sort it out, even though I don't know what to say or what to do, because I'm still at these crossroads (this is how I ended up telling S btw) and then finally he lets me talk to him, and I try to explain as much as I can without saying I am ana because I still can't bear to say it. And he, of course, doesn't understand that I didn't want to make him worry, or hurt him, or have him be disgusted or appalled by me because I haven't told him, so we part on bad terms.
The next day, we're talking again, and this time it's in a bit more detail because he was so angry the night before, and I'm telling him that there are some things that I don't want him to deal with. And then he brings up how his/my friends at school have told him that they are worried about me. Because I am so, so obsessed. And this is when I know I have to tell him. So, to make a long story short, he tells me to promise that I will try to beat this (and I did) and that he will try to help me. And he is not disappointed with me, is not disgusted with me, and he still loves me and cares about me. But he wants me to beat this.
So, that is what happened. And I am still here, thinking FUCK because I can't beat this. This is my life, and I cannot. I think about it all the time. I think about it when I am eating, and swallowing my food, knowing that I am disgusting and can practically feel it condensing into fat around my waist, around my thighs, around my bum until I am just a big fat disgusting slob. Yesterday when I was in the bath, I looked down and felt the fat under my neck turn into a double chin. When I walk, sometimes my inner thighs brush against each other. When I sit down, sometimes my stomach spills over my jeans in little rolls.
I am 5 ft 2, and 110 pounds. I should be 90. That is my GW. People tell me I am skinny all the time, but I am not. I am FAT.
How can I recover with this mentality?