I feel horrible, and guilty, and pained, and sad, and very, very overwhelmed. I have so much work to do. I went out today with some of my new friends which was a nice break. Normally I don't think I would because I simply don't have the time, but I felt sort of obligated to because they're new friends so you have to go through the process of socializing, getting to know them, etc. So, although it was fun, it was definitely a waste of time. I have so much work to do. I am so stressed. I am behind in all my classes. I want to get all As. I feel sick. I am worried. I shouldn't be purging, but my god, it feels good. I shouldn't be restricting and worrying, but I can't help it. I'm stressed about school but I can't see that going away anytime soon. My parents think I'm lazy, and they think I spend too much time on Facebook- ha! If only they knew, I go on the computer to look at...well, all this stuff, really. God, I am so stressed. God, I am so sick. But I can't stop.
The funny thing is, before, I used to scorn anorexics and bulimics. I used to think, 'oh, how selfish of them, and how attention-seeking, to make such a big deal about food when there are people out there who would appreciate this so much.' And now, suddenly, I am one. And I completely understand. And I hate it and love it. And I can't help myself.
I'm so stressed right now. So, so stressed. I feel completely overwhelmed. I am extremely emotional and, although I am not having the mood swings I used to, at school I am content until I get stressed (which is often) and at home I am in a constant worried, overwhelmed state of misery.
I feel pathetic writing this blog. My problem's aren't even problems. It makes me feel ridiculous. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.
I wish that everything would just go away and I could be happy again. I used to be so happy.
I wish I could stop worrying about food. I wish I could stop worrying about my health. I wish I could stop worrying about schoolwork. I wish I could stop worrying about B. I wish, I wish, I wish...but nothing ever comes true.
I don't think I'll ever lose the amount of weight I want to lose.
I don't think he even wants to talk to me anymore.
I don't think I'll ever get better in school.
I don't think I'll ever make anyone proud of me.
I don't think I'll recover.
I don't think it's going to get any easier.
I don't think the pain is going to go away.
I don't have anyone to talk to, except for B mainly and S a little, but neither understand how I feel and I don't want to bother them because B will get annoyed, and S just doesn't get it.
I feel like a little whiny, angsty middle class teenage wannarexic writing this.
But I know it's so much more than that.
I know a lot of people complain about wannarexics fasting for a day or two and then stopping (in other words, crash dieting) and whining about how the boy they like doesn't like them.
I just wanted to clear this up in case anyone thinks that: I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.
I wish I could just be happy again. I wish I could just be happy with my weight and eat what I wanted and not worry.
It seems like the obvious solution, but that is so impossible for me that I have to come up solutions that end up hurting me and the ones I carry about. (like me cutting off any contact with B)
My emotions are just so splayed here...anything that comes into my head I write, so I'm sure it doesn't make any sense at all.
One moment I am so acutely unhappy I just want to cry.
Another moment I am feeling normal, even happy, until I remember again...
One moment I feel so stressed with school that I just want to sit by myself and sleep to forget about it.
Another moment I'm thinking I'm doing well in school, and am feeling pleased with myself and bright and capable.
One moment I don't care, I just want to get on with my life and be happy.
Another moment I care so much, and am just so unhappy because he's the one stable person in my life who actually cares and has always cared.
One moment I think that I need to stop, that this is serious, that I am spending too much time thinking and worrying and that I do have anorexia, maybe even verging onto bulimia now, and that this is a serious problem.
Another moment I'm thinking, do I really have a disorder? Or is this just attention seeking, or maybe even just normal behaviour?
I'm confused. I don't know. And I'm worried. And stressed. And overwhelmed. And emotional.
I keep on listening to Oasis. Their songs are so touching right now, I feel like I want to cry whenever I hear them:
Wonderwall, Oasis
Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall
Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now
And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I
Would like to say to you
But I don't know how
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall
Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
I need a wonderwall. But the only person who can do this is myself. Lonely me, friendly on the outside, happy on the outside, with the lots of friends on the outside, but cold and empty on the inside with lots of problems with no one who can help me fight me.
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