Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Basically, told B, and he has made me promise I will stop and I have to tell him how everything is going. S also knows, and all my friends at school are worried and probably have some idea but don't officially know, so everyone is going to keep an eye on me anyway. And I can't try anything anyone, because I promised B.
But...I really want to. And it's hard.
Now that I'm 'recovering', it's getting harder for me to eat. Harder! It's weird. I look at food with a sort of renewed attention because I know I should be eating it, but every time I do eat something I feel like I'm going to throw up. It's hard because I want everyone to stop worrying about me, but I also want to stay slim...and get slimmer.
But I promised B. Argh, conscience!
Classic example of wanting to have my cake and eat it too. I see so many girls who are so much thinner than me, and it just makes me sick...
I don't know why every time I eat something, I feel like I'm going to throw up. It's weird. I never had it before.
If B hadn't intervened, I probably would be liquid fasting by now, I feel such a lack of appetite.
My mother and brother are driving me insane. They yell at me ALL THE TIME. I can't take it. I'm never good enough for them. I'm too ugly, too fat, too stupid, don't have enough friends (untrue) and am too pathetic. I wish I could say, 'what's so great about you? How dare you tell me this, when everything I do is for everyone else?' But I can't. So it just makes me less hungry. I just want to be empty inside....
I made a promise to B, but I can't give this up. It's my lifestyle. I don't know what to do.
Friday, September 26, 2008
I told B I didn't think it was a good idea not to talk anymore, and he has just completely cut me off and now I realize that I can't do it without him.
I have now had to admit to S EVERYTHING- yes, including this- and am hoping that mine and B can talk at least a little bit again.
So now he knows, and B will know, and they will never think of me in the same way again.
Will keep you posted.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Anyways, recent updates...first of all just a rant about personal stuff. I've been just so messed up recently, it's terrible, terrible. One minute I'm up, the other I'm down, I just can't control it. My mood will switch literally in a second. For example, I was having a really good day today when suddenly in Biology a little voice in my head just whispered...'I can't take it anymore.' And then my mood just sunk. Really. And I felt horrible, and sick, and all I wanted to do was go run away and cry somewhere. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just don't, I don't.
I talked to B yesterday :( I know. And, although I know it shouldn't bother me, it does because he's just so happy. And God knows I want him to be happy, but...I don't know. I think it bothers me that he's just so free and bright, and I'm just so miserable and unhappy inside. I want him to worry about me, but at the same time I don't. I don't know...I just feel so lonely. Which is funny, really, because on the outside I'm just that bright, confident girl with the beautiful smile and bright eyes that's always up for a chat. But on the inside I'm cold and empty and lonely, unable to confide in anyone (except for the Internet, and B), who has self-esteem issues and is just...unhappy. Lol, mood swing, I was feeling quite happy for a moment before I re-read what I wrote. But that's how I feel most of the time.
When I was talking to him on msn, he said that we should meet up sometime again soon, and that we should have a nice, long proper chat. I'm worried because I think we have, so I'm worried he has something to tell me. New girlfriend, maybe? Talks about this girl called Amy a lot, I know. I don't know what I feel about him anymore. I don't want to go out with him, I just want him to be there for me. Just like more than friends, but nothing labelled. I want him to care about me. He's the only person I know who really and truly cares about me, who's always been there for me, who loves me despite my problems and issues...except this one. I think if he read my blog, he'd be appalled and disgusted. When he said we should meet up, I nearly told him and said, 'I don't know how to say this' (I was going to say to him, 'I don't think we should talk anymore because I don't want you to see what I'm becoming', but I don't want to get caught) but never did in the end and got sort of hysterical when he told me to tell him. So he said, 'I'm just trying to say I'm always here for you, like I always have been, and you can ring me any time' and I got even more hysterical and started saying, 'no, no, no, I don't want to, I'm so sorry, so sorry for everything' and then quickly went offline.
He shouldn't put up with me. He's always so worried about me, it makes me sick to my stomach. I want him to care, but I don't want him to care. I half like him worrying about me because I feel cared for, but the other half feels cruel and pathetic for making him worry. And this was on the night of his Fresher's ball, too, so I know I sort of ruined the night for him. I'm sure he had a great time anyway, but still...how could I do that to him!? God, I'm so fucked up...I want to say to him, 'Why? Why did you love me? How could you even care about me? Why am I so special to you? How could you even like me, let alone have loved me?' He cares about me, so much, and worries about me, so much. I want him to be there for me, so I can just rely on him and spill out all my problems, but I know it's selfish. One half of me wants him to be there for me, always, because he's so great and understanding and so reliable, but the other half wants me to tell him, 'Just leave! Just leave and forget about me. Forget I ever existed. Forget about what you feel for me and go out with Amy, go to your college and just leave so I won't make you worry and hurt you anymore. I don't deserve your sympathy. I'm just a pathetic, whiny girl with too many problems that are not even problems, and too many issues that are not even issues. What have I ever added to your life? You're better off without me' and then just deal with myself by myself. But I don't know. I just don't know.
Even worse, while I was talking to him, my mom kept on wandering over and seeing what I was doing. Now, most of the time I really adore my mom, but sometimes she crosses the line way, way too much. Her and my brother were a major reason for me and B breaking up, actually. So she knew I was talking to him, and as she was going upstairs she said to me in this horrible, snide, bitchy tone, 'You know, you shouldn't even be talking to B anyway. HE DUMPED YOU, REMEMBER? You're not his GIRLFRIEND anymore. Get over it. Make your own friends (which I have done, I have loads of friends at my new school which is really great; as much as I sound like a lonely depressed kid here I'm actually the polar opposite in 'real life') and get a life. You're just being lame and pathetic.' When I heard that, it about killed me. I felt like I was going to explode with anger and sadness. I was actually shaking when I got into bed. Although they don't know it (obviously) my mother is one of the main, if not the main source for my painful self-esteem, security and ED. My family causes a lot of issues for me, and as much as I love them, I really do wish that they were not so involved in my life. I used to confide in my mother, all the time, but now I have realized that I can't tell her everything because she throws it back at you. When I heard that my emotions were completely confused, but the only thing I wanted to do is purge, purge, purge. I tried, but couldn't- I can never throw up, even when I want to- so I ended up just going to bed shaking. And I'm going into London to visit this university thingy with her, instead of seeing my friends which I really, really need to right now. I hate it, I hate this, I hate myself, I hate everything. Argh.
On the plus side, and most importantly for this blog, I'm doing really well! I would have done even better if I hadn't given in to eating all that cereal, but still!
Here's a list of what I ate:
1/3 cup porrige (100)
1 serving blueberries (80)
1 serving mangoes (60)
1 salted egg (100)
1 serving soup (52)
1 chocolate rice crispy thing (50)
2 dark chocolates (100)
1 serving cereal (120)
1 bite choc muffin (20)
few bites PBJ (50)
1 bowl soup + noodles (135)
1 plum (30)
And I burnt 200 or 300 at the gym, either one but am going to say 200 just in case. So, all in all....about 700 calories! May sound like absolutely loads to some of you, but it's definitely better for me. And I'm going to cut out the cereal, and all the junk tomorrow. All the sweets I mentioned are not usual; it was someone's birthday and as a rule, I tend to let myself eat then because it's not part of my schedule. So I'm pleased! I definitely have to restrict tomorrow, too, because I know that I won't have enough time to work out. So I'll let myself feel the pain and feel good about it, too.
More problems, though: my friends saw my food journal and freaked out, and they found out that I didn't eat my PBJ today for lunch either. So they are worried. And S might tell B. I sort of want him to, so he can say to me that I have to stop, that he's worried about me. So I know he cares about me. But I don't want him to worry about me, because I don't want him to not be happy. But I do, because then I know he cares about me, but I know it's selfish. I'm so confused. Ugh. That's pathetic, I know. I'm pathetic. I just hate myself so much I want to hurt myself. So I hurt my body. I love the feeling of going up to the vending machine and buying myself a tiny little cup of soup, 52 cals, and knowing that people would be appalled because it makes me feel disciplined. But I hate it, too. What I want is to hide all my problems so no one realizes. And then I can put on a happy front again and be happy. But I know they are already worried about me, and B is worried about me because he is worried I'm unhappy, that my family is stressing me out, and any fears that my/his friends (we share the same circle) tell him. Argh. This is too hard. I can't lie to him. I can't not lie to him. I can't talk to him. I can't not talk to him. My ED is the only thing I feel good about in my life, but it's causing me issues. But I can't let it go, because I love it. I just need to hide it, but I can't. It's almost as if I can't help hinting about it around people, so I know they'll be worried. I want them to notice, but hate it when they do. I think what I want is for them to notice a little bit, but not get properly worried. Argh. I just need someone supportive to read my post and tell me what to do. My issues are getting waaay out of whack.
Anyway, more positively, a tip for anyone with cravings! Make an ana bracelet- not only will it help identify you to others, but it will help with hunger. It will help remind you when you are about to eat not to, and also it helps if you have put some accessories on it. I added some butterflies on mine. It makes it more pretty and therefore more like a 'fashion accessory', but it also helps when you are hungry. This is because you can always grab it when you get a craving. My butterflies are actually quite sharp, so the edges dig into my skin. It is painful, but in a good way, and it helps distract you and reminds you what you are working for. And it is definitely less obvious than carrying around a thinspo picture with you as well ;)
Stay strong, starve on to anyone who's reading...be stronger than me. Be a better person than me. You can do it. Remember, anything is possible...
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
- I am very poor. Soup costs 50p each which sounds like nothing, but really for me it is quite expensive a day
- My mom makes me lunch every day. It'll make me feel bad to waste her food
- I don't know how to start restricting breakfast and dinner; my family is very observant and will definitely notice me not eating as much
- My friends are very, very, very observant and already are worried and alerted about me
- I'm quite new to this and am not sure what to do; I think my plan is alright, but is there anything that could make it easier or more effective?
I already felt that feeling of sweet, sweet emptiness at break when I had my soup, and after the gym when I had a snack but knew I had the power to keep my stomach empty...oh, how it made me smile, knowing that I have the choice whether or not to put that food in my mouth! And how it made me laugh to walk past the Digestives when I was hungry! (normally I'm addicted to Digestives and eat like, 10 of them at a time) I know it doesn't sound like I did very well today, but I feel good and have the mentality and discipline. I don't want to completely plummet, because I'm worried it will affect my metabolism (I don't know if that's a myth or not) and, more importantly, I am worried my family and friends will noticed and make me eat and ruin my plans.
Here is what used to be my daily schedule:
- wake up at 6.30, brush teeth, maybe drink a glass of water and stretch
- go downstairs, eat a bowl of porridge made from 1/3 cup wheatbran and 2 servings of fruit
- go to the bus, go to school, classes etc
- break is at 11.15-11.35, may eat something, may not. Have been eating about 250 cals worth of dark chocolate though, but that is easy to cut out
- classes again until 12.40-1.45 which is lunch, where I normally eat a peanut butter and jam/jelly depending on whether or not you're British with 2 pieces altogether of toast (calorically dense, I know)
- school ends, get back on the bus to go home, tend to graze (a lot) and then have dinner which is usually healthy and relatively small; one bowl of white rice + whatever is being served
- may graze again before going to sleep
I know I can cut out everything at school, but I don't want to waste those sandwiches and I don't think there's any way around them. I could ask her to make me a different lunch, but she gets suspicious and I can't make my own lunch because then she'll definitely suspect and won't let me. What I want to do is go to school, chew gum all day, eat a piece of fruit or something at break and the soup at lunch and then go to the gym. I know that as I go along, I'll be able to restrict that. However, I think my main problem is at breakfast and dinner, especially dinner. I don't really know how to stop eating like I normally do, because my family will notice.
Any tips or advice would be much appreciated! :)
Monday, September 22, 2008
I have now officially started my new life.
I have been...so tired...of living like this. Every day is a struggle, every day is painful because I try and try and always fail. Every day is a constant battle, and I've decided that I just won't live like this anymore.
Putting on this bracelet is a symbol of my commitment.
I'm starting slow at first, but I'll get there soon. I already have tasted- maybe not the best choice of words, but the only ones I can think of- some of that beautiful life, after I'm done exercising or not eating. That feeling of emptying your body and becoming pure again...that feeling of knowing you're resisting temptation for the better....and becoming a better, higher, elevated person as a result. Knowing that no matter what happens in your life, you have control over this, and that control makes you beautiful.
This brings me to my second choice...I'm thinking about cutting off any sort of relationship with B, which basically means no contact at all. Even as I'm writing this, I'm feeling the urge to just stop and erase it all, but I know I can't. Because I really, really care about him, so much, and I know that if he knew what I was doing now that he would be so worried about me, and so hurt. And that's the worst sort of pain that someone can feel, the pain of knowing someone is doing something wrong, and the bewilderment and sense of helplessness of knowing there is nothing you can do to stop them while you watch it progress. The pain of ignorance, and I don't want to hurt him, ever, because he means so much to me. Yesterday I was talking to him, and I asked him if he thought that omitting the truth was the same as lying to someone and he said yes. I asked him if he would be hurt if I lied to him and he said, yes, very. I asked him if he thought and worried about me a lot, and he said yes, and that he worries about me being happy. Which makes me so terribly, terribly sad because I know that he's telling me the truth, and I can't bring myself to omit the truth from him because he considers it lying and I can never, never lie to him, yet I can't bring myself to tell him either because I know it will hurt him, and therefore me, because he'll be so worried.
So I guess the only way is to cut off contact. Maybe I'll be able to do it, maybe I won't. Well...I say maybe, but I don't want him to stop thinking about me, or caring about me, but I think I also have too little faith in him. I guess it's selfish of me. Part of me wants to admit everything, because I know he's the only person who can really 'help' me, but I don't want his help at the same time because it's not really help. I want his support without telling him why, even though I know that's impossible because I know that if I talk to him, I'll feel so bad about what he considers lying to him that I'll have to admit it, which will therefore result in him worrying like crazy about me and telling all of his/my friends to look after me, making it into a bigger deal than it really is and me getting pushed back into the vicious battle. It may also result in my parents finding out, who will definitely, definitely not understand and will just think I'm another pathetic teenage angst-y girl, and it may also result in my college finding out which will also affect my future. That is, in the worst case scenario. So either way, it's too big a risk. I have to find the strength to do this. In my opinion, Ana is all about the strength of the mind (discipline, self-control, willpower, strength) over strength of the body (urges, fatigue, hunger, pain), so this will be my first big break.
I want to do this. I want to be that skinny girl who can control herself, even when she can't control her life. This is not about weight loss, this is about purity, this is about discipline. Which is why his 'help' is useless, except for making me feel better because I know someone out there really, really cares about me.
I put on the bracelet, today. I have to make the first break, and everything afterward will be unimportant comparatively afterward. Physical pain is nothing compared to emotional pain.
I put on the bracelet. My life starts, today.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
And that's where it went really wrong.
As soon as I got downstairs, I couldn't resist one teensy weensy little digestive worth 120 calories. Then we had dinner, albeit a healthy one, of pasta, olive oil, anchovies, broccoli and red peppers. Had a modest serving, about half a plateful. Then went back to get more broccoli. Feeling more full. Then went back again to get another half a plateful. I'm stuffed now, so I finally stop. Then, I can't resist another digestive. That's 240 calories of digestives. I know I'm being a pig, an utter pig, so I break it into little bits and stuff it into my mouth. And then- this is the worst bit, as if it isn't bad enough- I'm bored so I make cinnamon bread. Cinnamon bread, just loaded with sugar, milk, eggs and all the shit that makes you fatter and fatter and fatter. So I'm stirring the batter, and I can't resist a little taste. I put too much sugar in, but I don't care. And then suddenly I'm binging, scooping spoonfuls of the stuff into my mouth, knowing that I'm appalling and fat but I can't stop. Finally I do, after about FIVE HUGE SPOONFULS of the stuff, so I put it in the oven. Then, when I take it out, the bottom comes off when I take the fucking bread out of the pan. By now I know my plan's been ruined, and I fucked my whole day up, so I think that I may as well finish it badly. I scrap off the stuff that was stuck to the bottom and eat it. It's disgusting, burnt yet sweet, not a good mix but I keep on eating and eating it. And it's crumbly, so all the little bits keep coming off, but I just pick them up again and eat it until all is gone. And then I come on here and nearly cry because I fucked up and I'm fucked up and everything just fucked up for me because I am soooo undisciplined.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Thank God it's Friday tomorrow...I had been having an excellent week, but everything seemed to just fall apart today. I've met a lot of new people, including these 2 girls that I'll call R and G, who are really nice but we haven't yet properly passed the line from class friends to proper friends who hang out together at lunch and stuff. I also know this girl called J a bit, and another girl who is alright (an eco nut, though, which I despise) and then of course I have my BFF who I'll call BRD who is also feeling out of sorts, much more than me. That's all the girls I really know. I have met tons and tons of guys, but that actually makes me feel quite bad. I really want gfs again. By the end of secondary school, I wasn't at all friends with my old gfs and only had BRD. So I thought I'd make lots of new gfs in my new school, but it doesn't seem to be working that well. I have to see R and G tomorrow; I'm sure I will anyway because we're in double maths together. I suppose it's quite good for just starting a school that I've made a little friends with them already, as we eat together sometimes and stuff and most of the people here are still in their school groups, but most of the time I'm in my school group too. So I am feeling rather bad. I think it's just a low day, but it seemed like everything went wrong today even though when I think back, nothing went much wrong. It's just my perception, I think. Which is a shame, because this week had been going really, really well.
It doesn't help that my family picks apart all my fears. For one, my brother is really annoying and only talks about himself, and clothes, and how great he is and how good it is to be arrogant. (he sounds it but no, he is not gay) My mom is even worse, as she is completely negative and seems to know exactly what to say to upset me. Like, when I was talking to B before, she said in a horribly snide and bitchy tone, 'why are you still talking to him anyway? I thought your relationship was over. Still trying to play the helpless girlfriend?' which is just SO low to hit. Also, she keeps on nagging me about not making gfs, which is still a sore spot for me because I'm trying to, but it's always harder to make good gfs than guy friends right away, isn't it? And she keeps on nagging and nagging me about my weight! Yes, I know I have been uber binging recently, and I know I've probably gained weight, but it is just SO HARD not to, and it makes it harder when she brings it up!
It's almost like my body WANTS to hurt itself. I surf pro ana sites all the time, but it just makes me feel bad, and I just eat and eat and eat even though I'm not hungry. My friends are worried about me, especially S, the lovely boy, and I both crave and hate the attention. B worries about me too...I want him to and don't want him to. I think I want to save myself, and have him tell me it's alright, which he does...but I can't. He's so stable. I was talking to him yesterday and he's just so lovely. He's always there for me. He always worries about me taking care of myself. Oh, B! I asked him if he would be hurt if I lied/omitted important details to him, and he said yes, very, which makes me feel so bad. If only you knew how obsessed I was...I think it would really upset you. Lol, would you love me as much if you knew how neurotic I was? But I don't want him to know. I don't want him to think of me like this...so who can I talk to? Not BRD, she wouldn't understand. I think about it all the time. It's an obsession, but a terrible one. I have the mindset, just not the action. I think I'm going to do it soon. One of my fantasies is going on 2468 and having that empty, hungry belly...I want to lose weight. I just keep on getting sidetracked. I'm going to start chewing gum to make myself less hungry. I fantasise about it all the time. I don't know what to do. I think soon I'm going to just plunge into not eating, after all this bingeing...
I need to be more positive. I just got texted from R about the maths, so good! =) I'm doing alright. Tomorrow I'm going to bring two servings of raisins, which are 260 calories altogether, and eat them all day so I don't feel hungry. This is normally what I eat every day:
Breakfast- 1/3 cup oatmeal + 2 servings of fruit (125 + 60 + 60 =245 cals)
Lunch- 3 slices toast + peanut butter + jelly (180 + 260 + 30= 470 cals)
Dinner- whatever's being served, 500 cals maybe?
Snack- I'm thinking 500-1000, if I'm being honest.
Which is...over 2000. I need to constrict. Majorly. I'm going to start going to the gym, which will defo help, and I'm going to stop eating so much for dinner to start with. I want to majorly crunch, right away, but I just can't. My mind...it's too hard. So I'm going to start drinking tea and coffee all the time, chew gum and eat raisins all day. Then I won't be hungry when I get home. And then I can restrict dinner. And then I can restrict lunch. And then, if I'm really good, I can start skipping lunch. And then I can start really restricting dinner. Lol, my friends would be so worried about me if they knew. S and D already think I'm borderline and don't eat enough. Like hell I don't eat enough! I'm thinking about cutting it by half...
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
Breakfast- 1/3-1/2 cup oatmeal + 2 servings blueberries + 1 serving peaches + honey + peanut butter (540)
Lunch- 2 slices cinnamon bread + peanut butter + 1 small bowl milk + cereal (380)
Dinner- 1 tortilla + meat + onions + red peppers + 2 slices cinnamon bread (430)
Exercise- 2 miles jogging + regular exercises + regular stretches
Lots of water and green tea.
Oh my goodness, this is so unfair :( I thought I restricted so much more! I was writing about it and thought it didn't seem right, so I checked and I ate SO MUCH MORE than I thought! No wonder I'm not hungry :( This sucks. Ah well- at least I'm exercising and everything again. It was so dangerous running today. It had just rained, and because we're actually not allowed on the field I run on, I have to jump over this creek. Because it had rained, and there's not really a path but a slope, the ground had turned really muddy and I nearly slipped in. So I got all muddy :( However, something as small as that wasn't going to stop me running, so I did the normal amount :D I don't think I can up the jogging just yet, as 2 miles is still quite tiring for me. I'm upping my regular exercises, though, so that combined with eating less should be alright. I wonder...my breakfast is very healthy for me, but I think the time when I can best restrict is in the mornings. I'm supposed to do a 1/2 cup scoop, but I cut it down to a 1/3 and I think I can start cutting it down to a 1/4. However, if I do, will that just mean I get hungry and eat earlier? I suppose if I have the discipline, I won't let myself eat too much and my appetite will get smaller and smaller...either way, I'll try it tomorrow. I'm defo going to get under 1000 calories tomorrow. Anything over is just appalling for me. They say 2000 calories is natural, but then again there are all different types of women. I shouldn't be eating the same amount of food as, say, a 6 ft woman. Also, I want to be skinnier than the majority of the population. So I'll just keep exercising more and more, and eating less and less, and I should be fine. I'm thinking I would like to start putting pics up of my fat, blobby self but I don't have a camera and there's all the privacy issues as well. For example, I wouldn't like my pics to be photoshopped, and I would simply die if any of my friends found this blog. Which is why I took it off my profile. Either way, it doesn't really matter if I can put my pics up except for inspiration. But hopefully I won't need inspo if I keep it up, because the results should speak for themselves! Whey :)
Thursday, September 4, 2008
I'm still confused as to whether or not my ex has feelings for me. I've reread the conversation, and he did say he loves me and still thinks I'm special, and he said that he loves me as 'more than a friend' whe we talked, yet he also said he wants to go back to being 'close friends.' Although, like I said, his definition of that is more than friends or even possibly, unofficially dating. But then what good does it do to break up? I don't know...argh. Maybe he doesn't feel anything for me at all and just wants to be platonic. In fact, he did say that at one point. However, I do think he still has feelings for me. Which makes me a bad person because I'm pretty sure that he'd be really betrayed if he knew what had happened. *sob*
Breakfast- 2 crumpets + 4 slices melted swiss + 2 slices ham + peppers
Lunch- 2 small bread rolls + butter, 1 glass hot chocolate + milk + full fat cream
Dinner- 1 small serving pasta + broth + 1 serving broccoli + 2 meat and spinach balls + 3 thin slices meat
No exercise. Crap, I know. My friend forced me to eat the bread at lunch because he was worried about me :( Shame, I know. I'll have to do better. Oh...I'm so confused. All I want to know is whether or not he still feels for me...I think he does. But it's still painful. And I'm not letting myself talk to him for a week, and he's not talking to me either. So that's good. We need to get over it. I'm definitely going to do better tomorrow. More exercise + less food = better me
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
The worst thing is it isn't clean- if he had told me he didn't love me anymore, or he found someone else, or he just didn't want to, I could get over it. But he tells me he still loves me, as much as before, and thinks I'm special (I know, it sounds like I'm being naive but he means it), and I feel the same way and we both know it and have discussed it. And...don't know where to go. He says he wants to go back to the way we were before we were going out, as what he calls 'close friends.' But his definition of 'close friends' is friends with feelings for each other, and he actually just thought of us officially going out was just putting a title on what we already had. But that's not true! Before we were going out, we were never as close as we were, both physically and mentally (maybe not in his opinion mentally, but definitely physically.)
He said that it's my choice and although we can't go out again he wants me to be happy, whether or not we go more or less than 'close friends', it's my choice. He knows my views about going too far before marriage and respects them, so he also said that it would be an added benefit if we did, but he's not expecting it. The problem is, what I basically want is everything to go back to what it was before Friday, but something did change on Friday and although I wouldn't have made the decision to break up, something did happen. I still want the closeness, both physically (and by this I mean things like holding hands, snuggling, kissing, maybe more sometimes) and mentally. However, I don't feel like I can do those things without being his girlfriend, because I said I feel like I'm 'giving it away', to which he asked, 'what do you want in return?' Although I couldn't think of the answer at the time, I know it now- commitment. I don't want to be in a FWB relationship, because although he didn't ask for that, that's what it is to me because I still want to pull and...stuff. But I can't do that as FWB because I feel like there's no security, and we can't go out again...so I think the answer is, we can only be close friends with no physical intimacy between us. Which is a problem.
When we met up yesterday to talk about all this (what I've written is what we talked about), it was really difficult because when we sat down we were just as close as we were when we were a couple. We snuggled, held hands; he had his arm around my waist and I had my legs across his lap, when we hugged it was definitely more, and the only thing we didn't do was kiss because it would have been too weird because that is SO DEFINITELY coupley. I told him that I could only do things like that if I was his girlfriend, because then I know it's exclusive and when we meet new people we can break up. But if we're just 'close friends (i.e. FWB) then what can we tell new people? We're not single, but we're not in a defined relationship...he says that I'm too hung up on labels, because I told him that if I'm not his girlfirend then he won't text me, buy me presents, etc (bad analogy, I know) and that he would, and that we should just see what happens and do what we're comfortable with and not worry about how we're expected to act when we're labelled. I know that I'm expecting him to know what to do, and I hate not knowing what not happens with anything, let alone this, but...argh! We both are still SO ATTACHED to each other, to not be what we were before is too weird. For me anyway. He wants us to be 'close friends', but what is that? He's not expecting any intimacy with me, but I want to, but is that only to feel closer to him? I don't know. This is what I think:
I think that we're both confused right now, but in the end this will result in nothing. We will remain friends, very close friends, borderline more, even past the border more, but last Tuesday he started his college and this Monday I'm starting mine and there is no way we can do this. We're upset now, trying now, hurt now, crying now, but I think it's ended and although we're trying to find solutions to stay together there's nothing we can do. Does he still want to stay together? I think he doesn't want the official title, but he doesn't want to lose what we had. Does he still love me? Yes. But can we make it work? Not like before- although we'll still be close we're separating; we have different schools, we broke up so it would be hard to find ground and right now it's hard because we both are SO confused. I'm going to not talk to him until I start Hills. And I think he isn't either. The weird thing is we've never been separated before, because we were always the person we confided in about our problems. But this is the 'break' in break up, so that's what I'll do. So, all in all, I think it's over.
Anyway, I feel sad about this. He feels sad about it too. It's hard. It's hard especially in the mornings and in the nights, because that's when I think about him, and I get teary, but otherwise I'm pretty good. I feel like there's this little core of unhappiness inside me, but I'm living my life like normal. Considering I just got dumped by someone I care about immensely 2 days ago, I'm alright. But then again, although it's harder to get over, it's less hurtful to break up with someone who basically says, 'I love you and you're the most special person to me and have been since I've met you, but we can't go out because there's something wrong and I want to be what we were before, which is close friends (but his definition of close friends is messed up, so what he means is close friends with feelings for each other).' I have all this unspent emotion from this, so I'm throwing myself into self-improvement. I'm going to pursue my interests, be lovely and chirpy and fashionable and cheerful and outgoing when I start school, make lots of friends, get excellent grades and really, really lose weight. One good thing about breaking up- I don't feel like eating anymore. And I get the feeling once I get into it, I'll get really into exercise. And it's right before school too! Progress for today:
Breakfast- 2 bowls cereal + milk (410 calories approx)
Lunch- 1 tiny slice banana bread (60? calories, maybe less)
Dinner- 1 bowl rice + egg + shrimp (440 calories approx)
Exercise- 0.5-1 mile walk before breakfast, 0.5 mile walk at lunch, 1 mile walk before dinner, 4 mile run and 0.5 mile walk after dinner, and then regular exercises and stretches
Woot! 910 calories consumed, and I don't know how many lost. I've upped my exercise a little, and I'm going to try to eat even less tomorrow! Yay! Good points of breaking up- all the energy must be thrown into something. And I will throw it in and make myself a better, prettier, thinner, brighter, smarter person. Yeah!
Monday, September 1, 2008
Breakfast- 1/2 scoop oatmeal + 2 servings mangoes + cinnamon + honey
Lunch- 1 bowl yogurt + honey + cereal clumps + one pear + one banana + cinnamon
Dinner- one bowl rice + one mackarel slice with chilli, lime and ginger seasoning + one serving vegetables
Snacks- one serving nuts + part of a baugette with a little cheese
Exercise- one mile before breakfast, one mile after lunch, ran 1.5 miles before dinner
Drinks- I think about 4.5 glasses of water so far, but will be more by the time I go to bed! Will make it 8. Also, one glass of tea.
Now that I read it, it doesn't sound very good :( I don't know why, but I'm in a determindly cheerful mood about my exercise and food issues. It's probably because it's the first day of September and I really want to do well on my diet, so I just think I am. Also, I am really quite distressed about what happened today with my bf, as now he is angry at me and I am hurt and angry with him and he's starting school tomorrow! Argh! Why does everything always have to be SO stressful!? Definitely need to do better tomorrow!