Friday, October 10, 2008

10/10/08

To be honest, I really don't know what to say.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to think.

I feel like I'm going to die.

I feel like I've been sucked into a big, deep whirlwind of despair that I can't climb out of.

I've been eating 'normally' which to me = binging.

I don't know what to do. I just don't, I just don't know what to do. And it's killing me.

Yesterday D told me he thought I was 'attention seeking.' At first when he said this to me, I thought, 'maybe I am. Maybe he's right. Maybe I am just doing this for the attention after all, but haven't realized properly until now.'

But then I thought...

WHAT THE FUCK.

Why the FUCK would ANYONE do this for ATTENTION!?

If I was a wannarexic, I would have been very, very self-satisfied by now, scaring my friends to death about this.

Who the FUCK do you think I am to do this for attention?

Do you think that I would kneel there, naked, in front of the toilet and jab my FUCKING fingers down my throat day after day and cry while I threw up the remenants of my latest binge?

Do you think I would torture myself DAILY with that one cookie, with that one extra serving, with a normal MEAL because I want attention?

Do you think I would go through this hell, this fucking HELL of self-deprivation just for the fucking ATTENTION?

Every day when I'm so depressed I could just cry and scream because I ate ONE FUCKING COOKIE...I'm not doing it for attention. To be honest, I don't know why I'm doing it. But I'm doing it, and that's all that matters.

Don't EVER fucking tell me that the pain I have gone through is not worth it.

Don't EVER fucking tell me that I am fucking up my body for no reason at all.

Don't EVER fucking tell me that I am isolating myself, worrying my friends and killing myself both physically and emotionally for no FUCKING reason at all.

Don't EVER fucking say it to me.

Don't ever, don't ever tell me that I go through this for attention. Don't EVER fucking say it to me.

I'm so fucked up right now. Just. So. Fucked. Up.

I don't think I can give it up. My bracelet burns on my skin, although I can't feel it, my skin crawls knowing that it's on me, and I'm wearing it...

But I don't think I can give it up. This IS me, this IS my life.

Fuck.

2 comments:

hey.hana said...

Damn it. You've been discovered.

Now it comes down to this: what is more important to you? Your friends who don't really know you and who jump to insulting conclusions without even trying to understand, or your illness which gives you both pain and comfort, gives you direction and meaning, which is part of who you are?

It's up to you... and remember, you can always "get better" to get those fuckers off your back. It doesn't take long for others to return to their self involved selfish ways ((trust me)).

However you choose... stay strong. I believe in you.

x Hana

Jessie said...

Hi Mei,

I just discovered your blog through Ana's blog...I'm not ana myself but I've been researching your lifestyle and I just had to comment on this post because you seem like such a beautiful person. This post was so well-written and emotional it almost made me cry! I respect whatever you choose to do, but please, take care of yourself.

xoxo
Jessie