Wednesday, October 8, 2008

8/10/08

=1372

Don't even want to list it.

It's not a binge.

Yesterday, my friend D noticed me writing in my food diary and saw the amount of calories I had eaten the day before (900 and something) and told S because he was worried.

So S had a long discussion about it with me, and I ended up spilling a lot of guts out.

I feel so, so shit.

S was so worried he was almost crying.

I asked him how worried he was

and he said, 'if me, or B, or D was ill, and you didn't know what the worst possible outcome was and how bad it was going to get, tell me how worried you'd be.'

He wants me to get help.

I don't need help. If I'm going to recover, I'll recover on my own.

Sometimes I look back and think what people have said, and I think to myself, 'you're such an attention seeker, pretending to be this way.' And then I think...'wait...this isn't attention seeking. You ARE this way, because if you were attention seeking you'd have satisfied your need and would stop. You actually ARE anorexic.'

It's almost like I'm in denial. I keep on thinking to myself, 'no, you're really not...there's no way.'

But I am. I really am. I am anorexic.

When I see the words written down, I can't believe it.

I can't believe I'm anorexic.

People keep on telling me, 'you need help, this is serious' and I keep on laughing it off because I think, 'ridiculous, I can't possibly need help. That's for serious cases.'

Maybe I am a serious case. Maybe S is right. Maybe it'll go too far and I won'd be able to stop it.

I still refuse to get help. Even if I need help, I can do it myself.

I can't believe I am. But this is why I think I am:
  • I think about this ALL THE TIME
  • My friends are worried sick about me, but I won't stop
  • I nearly stopped the most important relationship in my life for this
  • I'm purging, even though I know it is incredibly unhealthy for me
  • When I eat too much, my mood spirals down to rock bottom
  • My happiness is dependant on how little I eat
  • I'm considering taking pills to lose weight
  • I took some ana tests (online) and I scored between 90-100% positive
  • I'm starting to binge and purge a little, but a little goes a looooong way
  • When I eat, all I can think about is calories
  • I have a diary of what I eat

I think I am anorexic. I always thought, 'no, it can't be that serious.' But I think it is serious. I keep on telling myself, 'if you want to, you can stop.' But when put with that decision, it kills me. For example, I asked S if he didn't want me to go to the gym and he said, 'yes, I'd prefer if you didn't go. Are you okay about that?' I said yes automatically, but then when I thought about it I felt like absolutely shit.

Maybe I'm not okay. Maybe this really is a problem.

Most of the time I don't consider myself to be thin enough, or disciplined enough, to be ana. But maybe I really am.

I'm at an impossible crossroad right now. My friends are worried sick about me. I am purging a lot. If I stopped acting this way, them maybe I would be happier, and certainly my friends would be. Everyone is so, so worried about me. D is angry with me.

Fuck. Fuck. I'll stop. I can't take this any more.

1 comment:

hey.hana said...

If you're sure, and you're certain that only gaining weight will make you happy, then I can only wish the best of luck to you.

I'm happy if you are, and I'll support you no matter what.

Just make sure to keep us posted, I wanna know how this goes for you.

Dang. All right. Well.... good night girly. Feel better :)

x Hana