Today I met up with BRB and we had a really lovely day and were just bonding like we used to and I so very stupidly decided to tell her, because I thought she should know and because we shouldn't have any secrets between us, and she is now extremely worried (obviously) and I feel guilty and sick because she has many, many, many problems of her own she should worry about and she shouldn't worry about me.
Forgot to mention that yesterday was my friend's birthday and we had to go to Pizza Hut (now known as Pasta Hut, crazy!) and it was really, really not fun. When I sat down, Z (the birthday boy) said to me, 'by the way, I've been told to tell you no calorie recording this evening.' I tried to laugh it off, and then Z says, 'but really, have you been recording everything you eat?' and B stupidly says, 'I didn't tell him!' So now it's completely obvious I have an ED, and the other girl who came just kept staring and staring at me in such pity that I felt sick.
And then I felt actually physically sick because it was so hot, and the pizza came and I had to eat a slice, and I felt all dizzy and I was shaking like crazy and then I had to go outside and it was so, so extremely awkward because normally I'm all peppy and happy but this time I was really dead and quiet. And then when we went out I was weaving because I was so dizzy, and B had to walk with me and hold my hand and tell me I was going to be alright and it was just. so. humiliating.
The girl, Charlotte I think her name was, kept on turning around to look at me while all this was happening and kept on giving me this really pitying smile while I sat there, nibbling on that horrible, horrible piece of pizza and when I was walking with B and he was holding my hand with his arm around me whispering to me, 'Are you alright? Did you eat too much? It's going to be okay. We'll help you through this.'
After I came home I talked to him about it. A lot. And he's really a great listener, but I can just tell that even though he wants to hear it because it makes me feel better, he really doesn't want to hear it. No one wants to hear it, really. And because I have no idea what I'm talking about, he has no idea what I'm talking about.
I don't know what to do. Still. Apologies, readers, for my horrible lack of decisiveness. I've been getting into more regular eating patterns, so it'll be hard to break out of them again. I would make my friends feel a lot happier, which matters a lot to me because even though they don't understand this part of me, they do care about me and I cannot, I cannot have them still worry about me because it makes me feel guilty. I have promised them that I would recover. I promised S. I promised B (who believes I'm trying my hardest at this- if only he knew about my purging and my restrictions this week) and I promised BRB today (who, by the way, knows me well enough to know that I will lie to stop people worrying). This combined with my conscience is enough to try to get me to 'recover' and stop doing this. Maybe I'd be happier. I know that ana is not the solution to the problems. However...
...there are a few things are stopping me. One is a post from Belle Svelte, a blogger that I follow. (hope you don't mind me writing about you, btw, everything you've written is very inspiring!) Here's some passages that really made me think:
'but I can honestly say that on this blog, even if I am anonymous, on some level...I can relate to you all. Even if I don't know who you are, where you come from, or even what you are like with your friends/family, I know that by looking at your height, weight, goal weight etc. I can understand the troubles you go through. I can relate.'
I definitely understand this. My friends, although I adore them and they care about me, I can't relate to about this. D, for instance, believes I'm doing this for attention. I can perfectly understand why he thinks that, so I'm not angry with him. It's a complex mindset. I don't even fully understand it myself. But this means that through all my pain, and all my triumphs, they won't understand. BRB today when I told her said to me, 'I don't know why you can't make it go away so then you'll be alright. I mean, I know you can't, but...it just bothers me that I'm not going to be able to help you because there's no quick solution.'
The one thing B always says to me is, 'Just try to relax. It's all going to be alright. We're here to help you.' I know they're here to help, and I know they can help me in the sense that it makes me feel better to talk to them, but they can't really help me address the core issue. Yesterday when I was talking to B, I said to him, 'I wish someone could just take this away from me and I wouldn't have to think about this anymore' and he replied, 'Unfortunately the only person who can do that is you honey, and that's it. Me and everyone else can help, but ultimately you and you alone that has the power.' Which is so, so true.
Which is why it makes me think that I can carry on like this. I know that this is not something that can easily be 'recovered' from. I know from reading those still 'in recovery' that every day is a struggle, perhaps an even harder struggle than when they were ana. Every day is hard, and will be hard, but it gives me a sense of control and satisfaction and it also helps me know that there are others out there like me. Because it's not just that we all share the same methods, and that we all want to lose weight, it's that our minds function similarly. We all know that daily struggle of wanting that cookie, and the triumph or the failure of avoiding or succumbing to the temptation. We all know what it's like to lose that pound, and then gain it back after binging on the weekend. We all know what it's like to have ana. So we can all support each other in our triumphs and failures. As Belle said, 'I can relate to you all...and I feel like I am finally part of something where I am no longer an outsider looking in.'
Something else that made me really stop and think was Hana's comment on my blog (thank you for the support, it means everything to me!) This is part of what she said:
'Now it comes down to this: what is more important to you? Your friends who don't really know you and who jump to insulting conclusions without even trying to understand, or your illness which gives you both pain and comfort, gives you direction and meaning, which is part of who you are?
It's up to you... and remember, you can always "get better" to get those fuckers off your back. It doesn't take long for others to return to their self involved selfish ways ((trust me)).'
Now, this is one of the main reasons that I'm hesitating really, truly trying to make an effort to get better. All these times when I've said, 'fine, fuck, I'll stop,' I never really meant them. And this is why. Because every time I say it, I always know that I'll be back here tomorrow, posting about how hard it was to resist that chocolate digestive. I know that to recover, you must have your whole mind dedicated to it. And I just don't. Because I know that my ED is a part of me that I just can't change...yet. If ever.
I've decided to take a few days to see what to do. I know, I know...I'm being indecisive, and I normally hate indecisiveness, but I really have no clue. One half of me urges me to use my common sense and do what my friends want and stop, and maybe even climb to some sort of level of stable happiness in my life. The other half wants me to continue, to lie, purge and restrict but continue on, and to follow that elusive goal of my GW which always seems close within my grasp but always so far away...
I'm going to keep on posting daily, like usual. As anyone who has tried to recover should know, it's a hard, hard choice that doesn't get any easier for a looooong time.
Thank you for the support, everyone :) I love getting comments, and I love reading your blogs.
Even if I go onto to 'recovery', I'll keep posting and reading.
...I feel like I need to write more and explain my feelings, my trepidation of continuing if I choose to, my fears of the depression, anger, loneliness and helplessness that accompany it, and the unhappiness and anger I will undoubtedly receive from my friends...
but I'm going to try not to think about it anymore, and not do anything about it for a few days, and then maybe I'll decide.
1 year ago