16/10/08

This week has been a pretty fat week.

On Wednesday, S took me out and I ate lots. Then on Thursday, I ate lots again. Then on Friday, we went out for a meal and I ate a ridiculous amount there, although it was chinese food which isn't that fattening. Then on Saturday we had another birthday dinner for him, and I ate lots of chocolate. And then today I ate lots of chocolate again. So I'm quite fat. And my body is used to eating. And I love chocolate. So I'm fat.

BUT this is the start of a new week! I'm going out with S now, and I will lose weight. He's Chinese, so he's used to thin girls and he's fussy. So I can't gain weight. In fact, I have to lose weight and start dressing better. He doesn't expect me to, obviously, but I have incentive now. Which is good.

Tests tomorrow, and on Tuesday. I'm not prepared at all. Which sucks.

I generally feel like quite a mess right now. I can't stop eating. I know I've gained weight. I can feel it when I walk...and it sickens me.

I don't feel too healthy. I feel like a failure when I post.

But tomorrow's another day, right?

At least I feel like I'm not doing it just for myself anymore.

13/11/08

I've gained weight.

What. the. fuck.

I knew I had gained weight, but I just didn't acknowledge it. But I tried on a dress today that I bought about a year ago, and it was just that little bit tighter.

I don't like to commiserate with other girls about being so fat because I'm not like other girls. I can do something about this. I am different. I can change.

I just need a bit more discipline. It seems to me that recently I've been so stressed out with school, and I still have that mentality from B that counting calories and restricting is 'bad', so even when I do try to eat healthily I always allow myself that extra portion because it's 'healthier' than not eating it.

Also...it seems to me that I think I eat less than I do. I obsess and think about my food and weight so much that it almost seems to me that I'm burning calories while I'm doing it. If only!
Evidently I'm not, and I think I've just got to realize more that what I eat does affect my weight. Which is painstakingly obvious, but I think what happens to me is I obsess and obsess and obsess and never actually change anything because I'm too stressed out.

Right, no more excuses. I've been eating a lot because I'm stressed and tired and think it will help me 'recover.' That's all bullshit. But the most bullshit is allowing myself to by into that bullshit, because really all that means is I have no self control.

Shit. You know, eating all this crap hasn't made me any happier. It's just made me fatter, and have more self-loathing for myself.

I'll lose weight. My taste is already changing; I prefer Chinese food now and I've realized that eating the food I crave just makes me feel fat, bloated and weak...not happy.

I'm just going to think of myself as having made progress because my tastes have changed and I'm walking an extra mile or so each day. I can do this. I've done a little work, and I will do this. I've gained weight because I was stressed and undisciplined, but I can lose it...and continue to lose.

I'm on the path to reaching 90. I can do this. I will do this.

10/11/08

Have started doing sit ups and push ups again, as well as walking home from school. It's about a mile and takes me about 30min. Love working out. My stomach feels sore, but muscular. There are muscles living under that layer of flab!

I have been trying to eat healthier, which has been going pretty well except I still snack in the evenings. However, I have been trying to snack more healthily- normally I would nibble and nibble at little things and pretend they don't count, but now I'm acknowledging what I'm eating, and when I'm overeating. I guess you could say I'm more aware of how my body's feeling. Before I would just make excuses and bullshit myself that I'm hungry. Now, if I eat an extra bowl of cereal, at least I know I'm doing it because I'm greedy rather than because I'm hungry.

I think I'll get my snacking under control soon. I just need to get more inspired, and more used to eating small portions. I ate a ton of broccoli today, and a little rice, and some pork. And then I had some apple, a bunch of peanuts and some m&ms and...yes...peanut butter. But, to be honest, it wasn't too bad. It wasn't a huge binge. It was a smallish/medium one. And I walked back from school today, and it was cold, and windy, and I wasn't used to it. And my period's coming up. So once my body gets more used to this, and my cravings go away, I should be fine.

I have a Maths test tomorrow. Very important. Didn't revise tonight. Feel like a failure.

If I get up really early (i.e, 6am) then I can look over my notes again.

I know I'm going to regret this.

Even though I know what I ate wasn't too bad, I know that I need to restrict much, much more and I need to revise more if I want good grades.

Am feeling quite unhappy at the moment with myself. I know I am going to wake up tomorrow and seriously regret not working harder.

I hate wasted time. It's just so...useless. I'm even starting to hate sleeping, because it's wasted time...

Dammit. I'll just have to do even better, now, to make up for this!

On a better note, I have gotten over my fear of apple vinegar and am actually liking it. Yes, apple vinegar, 1 tsp, not diluted, just downed! I know it's not good for my teeth, but I don't think I can drink it another way. The taste may not be that good, but when I drink it I can practically feel it cutting the fat.

Have biology and chemistry test to revise for on the weekend. Am going out with S, though, because he keeps bothering me about it.

Dammit. My brother just saw my url. Shit. Should be alright, though.

Anyway, main point of this post- I feel pretty lousy now, but I shall succeed.

7/11/08

Right. I'm going to do this. Today was fucking EXCELLENT! It may not have been really tiny portions, but it was all extremely healthy and I am HAPPY. Hunger hurts, starving works, it truly does!

Breakfast- 1/3 cup oatmeal (100) + 1 serving fruit (80)
Lunch- 1.5 servings raisins (180) + 1.5 servings peanuts (255)
Dinner- 1/4 serving rice (40) + 3 servings cauliflower (84) + 2 servings soybeans (752) + 1 meat cake, steamed (50)

=1541

Okay...that's nowhere near as good as I thought it was going to be. I didn't know soybeans were 376 cals per cup!

However, everything I have consumed is entirely healthy. So that is good.

I've been looking at some thinspo lately that has really, really inspired me. As in, inspired me so much that I don't even want the fucking pumpkin pie. I don't know how to put it up, but you can follow this link:

http://cgi.ebay.com/Elegant-Belt-Tied-Long-Bubble-Trench-Coat-S-Black_W0QQitemZ370106556623QQcmdZViewItemQQptZUS_CSA_WC_Blazers_Tailored_Jackets?hash=item370106556623&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14&_trkparms=72%3A1234%7C66%3A2%7C65%3A12%7C39%3A1%7C240%3A1307#ebayphotohosting

and if you look through all the other stuff, then you'll see what I mean. These girls...are so tiny...they're like little living toothpicks.

Therefore, I'm inspired to not diet and fast and purge, but to eat like these Asian girls. And I can, because we eat Chinese food at home and to be honest, although Western food is better during the moment, it does make me feel a lot more bloated and unhealthy afterward. So I'm going to learn to cook and am going to start making my own dinner when my family eats Western food.

I'm so excited. I'm going to do this. I'm going to eat smaller portions, and I'm only going to eat healthy food. And I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to get skinny and beautiful just like those girls, and I'm going to be really happy.

Plan:

Breakfast- 1/4 cup oatmeal (80) + 1 serving fruit (80)
Lunch- 435 Mon-Fri, but may change to a serving of vegetables; >300 weekends
Dinner- >300
Exercise- 30 min treadmill and sit ups, will increase resistance, Mon-Fri; morning run around the field and nightly exercises, will build up resistance

I'm so excited I can hardly wait.

Also, I got an A* in my last chemistry test! Yay!

And, also!! S and I were (and are) talking, and he admitted his feelings for me which was really, really adorable...apparently he was worried that I'm too good for him, and it's just too surreal because I'm too perfect...

S is my ideal. He's tall, Chinese and smart, has a good sense of humor, adores me and, unlike B, has some extra cash (not an essential point, but definitely a plus)! I'm still worried about B, though. We've broken up. We need to move on. But...I still love him. And vice versa, I think. So I adore S, like S, but don't love S. But, then again...me and B will always love each other. Even if we lost contact, I think we'd still love each other. Besides, what is love, anyway? Deep, deep caring for the other person, no matter what...and that's what we have. It's not romantic love, it's just...love. And I think it will transcend me and S, or whatever the future holds.

Either way, I'm happy. My artificial happiness has become real happiness. The smiles I plastered to my face, and the laughs that I faked have become real, and genuine. People like me for who I am, and I'm not even used to it yet. I still feel the twinge of fear when I walk into school and hope to run into friends, that people are only pretending to like me, and that I'm not really that well-liked at all...and then I remember I am and it makes me happy.

Ooh, it's late, so I had a few peanuts and raisins. Instead of ignoring when I'm hungry, I'll eat, but just a little bit, and I'll drink some water and think about it while I'm eating too, instead of just eating like I normally do, which is a lot.

I'm feeling hopeful. I can do this, and I will do this. I believe in myself, and I will. I have the discipline to suceed in whatever I choose to in life. I can and will. I will do this.

5/11/08

Why, oh why am I so fat?

...because I'm eating so much.

Despite my promises, the last few days have been an enormous binge fest. I keep on telling myself I'm going to start eating healthier, and then I'll be able to ease my way back in.

...what this means is, I'm going to eat whatever I deem 'healthy' whenever I want, with no self control or discipline at all.

i.e, eating pumpkin pie and peanut butter, peanuts, raisins, pistacchios, ham, cheese, etc.

Oh, and forgot to mention that I haven't exercised in the last two days because my 'kit wasn't ready.' Yeah, I know I'm bullshitting myself. AND, when I did exercise on Monday, I only did 20 minutes.

Dammit. I am a FAILURE.

On the good side, I have been revising loads and have also found a site where I can watch live surgeries. So that is good. I'm very, very worried about my predicted grades...in England, you are predicted what grade you will receive in your AS each term, and they are sent to the universities. Surgeons mean you get predicted all A/A*s every term, consistently. I'm afraid that I won't be predicted that. I have tests coming up that will definitely play a big part in what my predicted grades will be. I already had my chemistry tests (more coming up next week!) and got 2 As. Tomorrow I have biology, and then again next week, as well as a very important maths test. All I can say is- BOLLOCKS! So I have been revising like crazy.

Maybe that has to do with my recent binges?

Either way, I have to stop. My BMI is 20.1, which is too large. My family thinks I am fat. My brother, who is 6 ft 2 and is as skinny as a model, damn him, mocks me incessantly whilst eating waffles slathered in syrup and butter. I myself think I am fat. Everyone else thinks I am slender, and small. But I know I'm not.

There's this girl at my school who is beautiful. She's slim, not tiny, and although she is attractive she is certainly not perfect. But I think she's beautiful. I don't know her, and have met her only briefly, but everytime I see her I wonder how she can look so enchanting. She is always dressed nicely, she is graceful; if I could sum her up in one word then she is lovely. And I don't know how she does it.

At school I come across as sweet, cute, loveable, innocent and adorable. I know many people, have made many, many friends, and am outgoing and friendly. I try hard in school, one of the hardest out of my friends, and have ambitions in life. By Western and especially Eastern standards I could be deemed very attractive. But I want to be more. I want to be perfect.

I like to think of the body as a machine. People aren't aware how important their bodies are in life. They abuse them by feeding them food like crisps, chips, hot dogs, candy; all sorts of disgusting stuff. To me, this is abhorrent. I like to use my body to the breaking point. Alright, maybe I haven't been recently, but I will get this under control. If I have the capacity to do so, why shouldn't I?

It seems to me that everyone else is doing really well on all the other blogs I read, especially Hana and Jane! You guys inspire me :) Hana- I saw your pics and they are GORGEOUS! If you think you thighs are a 'problem area', you should see mine! You are officially my thinspo! And Jane- your diet sounds really tasty and wonderful. That's the sort of thing I would do if my family weren't so nuts!

I'm going to start getting up at 6 in the morning, every day, no matter how late I go to sleep. That means I'll have more time in the day to do what I want. I'm also going to still continue with my plan of eating healthier...but I'll just have more discipline about it.

I remember the days where I could feel my ribs sticking out. I just need to get back in control. Right now, my body is used to being full and fat. Once I get back into the flow, I'll be able to do it once more.

I can do this. I want to do this. I will do this.

I can be a surgeon. I can reach 90. All the progress I have undone is irrelevent. Starting from this point, this weight, now, I will reach 90.

3/11/08

I'm so unhappy right now. Tried to talk to B, but he didn't talk to me barely at all, and it just depresses me. Ate a little too much today, but was still alright...

I'm so stressed out...ugh. So. stressed. out. and. I. hate. it. I. can't. take. it. any. more.

Only did 20min on the treadmill and was exhausted...but I can't give up, right?

I can't give up...I have to keep going, no matter what, to achieve my goals in life...

I will become a surgeon, I will lose weight, I will reach 90.

My family keeps on making jokes about my weight. I guess I'll have to show them, right?

I'm thinking under 1000? But still am feeling full...

I'll ease back into it...I'll get slim around the belly again, and then slim around the bum, and then the hips, and then the thighs, and then soon maybe I'll be slim...

5 ft 2...110 pounds...working towards 105...then 100...then 95...then 90...

generally...striving for perfection...

2/11/08

I'm listening to 'the Fray-save a life' right now.

Right now, I'm feeling quite fractured. My last post about B is actually not true...he did talk to me after I posted about it, and he does still care.

Me: I don't want you to feel obligated to help me. If you feel like it's just too much to handle, then just leave, okay?
B: ...you are aware that's one of the most pointless things you've ever said, honey. That's never going to happen.

It's also quite funny right now, though, because as I briefly mentioned this boy called S also really, really likes me. Last night he asked me, 'are you over your ex?' and I didn't really know what to say. Because, really, I'll never be over it. I'm not talking about breaking up, or even going out with him, I'm talking about the emotions we have for each other. The fact that we went out and broke up is irrelevant- we feel the same towards each other as we ever did. And, yes, I do love him, because he's there for me all the time and is the only one who has really supported me and he's the only one who really, genuinely, truly cares for me despite all my flaws and problems. That feeling I will never get over. Nothing else, ever, will compare. The problem is moving on. I know I can go out with other people, like S for instance, and I know I will, but I also know I will never feel the same magnitude of feeling I've felt for B. So it's not so much 'getting over' it as much as ways of dealing with it while still preserving it. It'll never be gone...

So really, I'm just feeling a bit confused right now. And it's making me scared, and sad, while I'm typing, but I guess I'll just have to take life as it comes. My feelings for S are growing, but they're not the same type of feelings. They'll grow into a bond, but not the sort of bond that will last through hell and back, no matter what.

What I am going to do, however, is continue and soldier on. I'm back into 'normality' but I hate myself. I gained back all the weight I lost...not a significant amount, but enough to make me feel enormous, and for my mother and brother to make comments too. They say I'm 'plump' and I guess I am. In fact, I know I am. Which is why I'm going to continue, and strive, for perfection.

I'm restricting again, slowly, slowly, starting from tomorrow. I know my body is used to eating bigger proportions, so I'll just ease into it. I'm exercising tomorrow, and eating my normal apple at lunch. I can do this. I will do this.

I'm going to revise every day, for hours and hours so I can stay ahead. I'm going to exercise until I feel like I'm going to break. I'm going to wake up as early as possible every morning, even on weekdays, to be efficient. I'm going to only eat the bare necessities and I will have the self control to stick to my plans.

I can do this. It's only two years until university and, dammit, I will be a surgeon, no matter what it takes. I will lost the amount of weight I want to. Anything is possible and, dammit, I will do it.

I have to trust that B still loves me, which he says he does, and I will get over my issues and believe him. I have to stop worrying about the petty things in life and live it to the full, and grab all I can from it. I'm lucky. I am loved, despite my flaws, by the one person in the world who means more to me than anyone. I am adored by S and others, I have a group of wonderful friends who, although they do not know about this side of me, still would help me through anything including this if I told them. I go to one of the best sixth forms in England. I have the ability to succeed and, dammit, I will.

I will reach 90. I will go to med school. I will get straight As in my AS...all five of them. I will NOT be a fuck-up. I'm going to enjoy life, while at the same time get as far ahead as I can. I'm going to learn Cantonese, and I'm going to do it. I can do this. I will do this. I can succed in life and I will. I refuse to waste my time like all my peers do, not knowing what path to take and not really caring, wasting their time playing videogames and bitching about others. I know my plan, and dammit I will succeed at it, not matter how hard or long the road.

I will get into med school. I will reach 90.

I am loved, and I am adored. I have many, many brilliant friends who I can depend on. I go to one of the best sixth forms in England.

I can, and will succed in life. After all, what would be stopping me but myself?