Friday, November 7, 2008

7/11/08

Right. I'm going to do this. Today was fucking EXCELLENT! It may not have been really tiny portions, but it was all extremely healthy and I am HAPPY. Hunger hurts, starving works, it truly does!

Breakfast- 1/3 cup oatmeal (100) + 1 serving fruit (80)
Lunch- 1.5 servings raisins (180) + 1.5 servings peanuts (255)
Dinner- 1/4 serving rice (40) + 3 servings cauliflower (84) + 2 servings soybeans (752) + 1 meat cake, steamed (50)

=1541

Okay...that's nowhere near as good as I thought it was going to be. I didn't know soybeans were 376 cals per cup!

However, everything I have consumed is entirely healthy. So that is good.

I've been looking at some thinspo lately that has really, really inspired me. As in, inspired me so much that I don't even want the fucking pumpkin pie. I don't know how to put it up, but you can follow this link:

http://cgi.ebay.com/Elegant-Belt-Tied-Long-Bubble-Trench-Coat-S-Black_W0QQitemZ370106556623QQcmdZViewItemQQptZUS_CSA_WC_Blazers_Tailored_Jackets?hash=item370106556623&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14&_trkparms=72%3A1234%7C66%3A2%7C65%3A12%7C39%3A1%7C240%3A1307#ebayphotohosting

and if you look through all the other stuff, then you'll see what I mean. These girls...are so tiny...they're like little living toothpicks.

Therefore, I'm inspired to not diet and fast and purge, but to eat like these Asian girls. And I can, because we eat Chinese food at home and to be honest, although Western food is better during the moment, it does make me feel a lot more bloated and unhealthy afterward. So I'm going to learn to cook and am going to start making my own dinner when my family eats Western food.

I'm so excited. I'm going to do this. I'm going to eat smaller portions, and I'm only going to eat healthy food. And I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to get skinny and beautiful just like those girls, and I'm going to be really happy.

Plan:

Breakfast- 1/4 cup oatmeal (80) + 1 serving fruit (80)
Lunch- 435 Mon-Fri, but may change to a serving of vegetables; >300 weekends
Dinner- >300
Exercise- 30 min treadmill and sit ups, will increase resistance, Mon-Fri; morning run around the field and nightly exercises, will build up resistance

I'm so excited I can hardly wait.

Also, I got an A* in my last chemistry test! Yay!

And, also!! S and I were (and are) talking, and he admitted his feelings for me which was really, really adorable...apparently he was worried that I'm too good for him, and it's just too surreal because I'm too perfect...

S is my ideal. He's tall, Chinese and smart, has a good sense of humor, adores me and, unlike B, has some extra cash (not an essential point, but definitely a plus)! I'm still worried about B, though. We've broken up. We need to move on. But...I still love him. And vice versa, I think. So I adore S, like S, but don't love S. But, then again...me and B will always love each other. Even if we lost contact, I think we'd still love each other. Besides, what is love, anyway? Deep, deep caring for the other person, no matter what...and that's what we have. It's not romantic love, it's just...love. And I think it will transcend me and S, or whatever the future holds.

Either way, I'm happy. My artificial happiness has become real happiness. The smiles I plastered to my face, and the laughs that I faked have become real, and genuine. People like me for who I am, and I'm not even used to it yet. I still feel the twinge of fear when I walk into school and hope to run into friends, that people are only pretending to like me, and that I'm not really that well-liked at all...and then I remember I am and it makes me happy.

Ooh, it's late, so I had a few peanuts and raisins. Instead of ignoring when I'm hungry, I'll eat, but just a little bit, and I'll drink some water and think about it while I'm eating too, instead of just eating like I normally do, which is a lot.

I'm feeling hopeful. I can do this, and I will do this. I believe in myself, and I will. I have the discipline to suceed in whatever I choose to in life. I can and will. I will do this.

2 comments:

hey.hana said...

I'm so happy that you're happy!

It's good that you're finding a balance.. that's the secret to life right?

props/congrats!

xo Hana

jane said...

Hey, your plan sounds good and I'm glad you are happier. Eating should be about enjoying yourself, and thus eating healthy foods means no guilt about eating! I want to look like those Asians too, I want my legs to be twigs and my waist so delicately small.
Good luck with the learning to cook part. It may taste bad at first, but hey, practice makes perfect. I'm not a good cook either, but if it tastes good to me then it passes the test.