Why, oh why am I so fat?
...because I'm eating so much.
Despite my promises, the last few days have been an enormous binge fest. I keep on telling myself I'm going to start eating healthier, and then I'll be able to ease my way back in.
...what this means is, I'm going to eat whatever I deem 'healthy' whenever I want, with no self control or discipline at all.
i.e, eating pumpkin pie and peanut butter, peanuts, raisins, pistacchios, ham, cheese, etc.
Oh, and forgot to mention that I haven't exercised in the last two days because my 'kit wasn't ready.' Yeah, I know I'm bullshitting myself. AND, when I did exercise on Monday, I only did 20 minutes.
Dammit. I am a FAILURE.
On the good side, I have been revising loads and have also found a site where I can watch live surgeries. So that is good. I'm very, very worried about my predicted grades...in England, you are predicted what grade you will receive in your AS each term, and they are sent to the universities. Surgeons mean you get predicted all A/A*s every term, consistently. I'm afraid that I won't be predicted that. I have tests coming up that will definitely play a big part in what my predicted grades will be. I already had my chemistry tests (more coming up next week!) and got 2 As. Tomorrow I have biology, and then again next week, as well as a very important maths test. All I can say is- BOLLOCKS! So I have been revising like crazy.
Maybe that has to do with my recent binges?
Either way, I have to stop. My BMI is 20.1, which is too large. My family thinks I am fat. My brother, who is 6 ft 2 and is as skinny as a model, damn him, mocks me incessantly whilst eating waffles slathered in syrup and butter. I myself think I am fat. Everyone else thinks I am slender, and small. But I know I'm not.
There's this girl at my school who is beautiful. She's slim, not tiny, and although she is attractive she is certainly not perfect. But I think she's beautiful. I don't know her, and have met her only briefly, but everytime I see her I wonder how she can look so enchanting. She is always dressed nicely, she is graceful; if I could sum her up in one word then she is lovely. And I don't know how she does it.
At school I come across as sweet, cute, loveable, innocent and adorable. I know many people, have made many, many friends, and am outgoing and friendly. I try hard in school, one of the hardest out of my friends, and have ambitions in life. By Western and especially Eastern standards I could be deemed very attractive. But I want to be more. I want to be perfect.
I like to think of the body as a machine. People aren't aware how important their bodies are in life. They abuse them by feeding them food like crisps, chips, hot dogs, candy; all sorts of disgusting stuff. To me, this is abhorrent. I like to use my body to the breaking point. Alright, maybe I haven't been recently, but I will get this under control. If I have the capacity to do so, why shouldn't I?
It seems to me that everyone else is doing really well on all the other blogs I read, especially Hana and Jane! You guys inspire me :) Hana- I saw your pics and they are GORGEOUS! If you think you thighs are a 'problem area', you should see mine! You are officially my thinspo! And Jane- your diet sounds really tasty and wonderful. That's the sort of thing I would do if my family weren't so nuts!
I'm going to start getting up at 6 in the morning, every day, no matter how late I go to sleep. That means I'll have more time in the day to do what I want. I'm also going to still continue with my plan of eating healthier...but I'll just have more discipline about it.
I remember the days where I could feel my ribs sticking out. I just need to get back in control. Right now, my body is used to being full and fat. Once I get back into the flow, I'll be able to do it once more.
I can do this. I want to do this. I will do this.
I can be a surgeon. I can reach 90. All the progress I have undone is irrelevent. Starting from this point, this weight, now, I will reach 90.
2 years ago