Thursday, November 13, 2008

13/11/08

I've gained weight.

What. the. fuck.

I knew I had gained weight, but I just didn't acknowledge it. But I tried on a dress today that I bought about a year ago, and it was just that little bit tighter.

I don't like to commiserate with other girls about being so fat because I'm not like other girls. I can do something about this. I am different. I can change.

I just need a bit more discipline. It seems to me that recently I've been so stressed out with school, and I still have that mentality from B that counting calories and restricting is 'bad', so even when I do try to eat healthily I always allow myself that extra portion because it's 'healthier' than not eating it.

Also...it seems to me that I think I eat less than I do. I obsess and think about my food and weight so much that it almost seems to me that I'm burning calories while I'm doing it. If only!
Evidently I'm not, and I think I've just got to realize more that what I eat does affect my weight. Which is painstakingly obvious, but I think what happens to me is I obsess and obsess and obsess and never actually change anything because I'm too stressed out.

Right, no more excuses. I've been eating a lot because I'm stressed and tired and think it will help me 'recover.' That's all bullshit. But the most bullshit is allowing myself to by into that bullshit, because really all that means is I have no self control.

Shit. You know, eating all this crap hasn't made me any happier. It's just made me fatter, and have more self-loathing for myself.

I'll lose weight. My taste is already changing; I prefer Chinese food now and I've realized that eating the food I crave just makes me feel fat, bloated and weak...not happy.

I'm just going to think of myself as having made progress because my tastes have changed and I'm walking an extra mile or so each day. I can do this. I've done a little work, and I will do this. I've gained weight because I was stressed and undisciplined, but I can lose it...and continue to lose.

I'm on the path to reaching 90. I can do this. I will do this.

1 comment:

Liz said...
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