Monday, October 6, 2008

6/10/08

Am doing pretty good! Here's what I ate today:

Breakfast- 1/3 cup porridge (100) + 1 serving mangoes (60)
Lunch- 1 medium sized green apple (32) + 1/4 PBJ (70)
Dinner- 1 large serving spaghettit + redsauce + 1 sausage (692)

=954

HOLY SHIT.

NO WAY.

I didn't know spaghetti had SO MANY FUCKING CALORIES.

That just FUCKING RUINED my day.

I just looked up the number of calories just to be sure.

I estimated about 250.

WAAAAAAAY OFF.

FUCK.

Well, that'll teach me to be a fat fucking pig! When I got that massive plate, I thought, hmm, I could eat half of that and be very full. I looked at my bracelet and thought, 'This could make my day.' When I ate about a quarter I thought, 'hmm, I could stop now and be pleased with myself.' But NO! I had to eat the whole fucking thing. And I didn't even PURGE.

FUCK.

In other news, my day went pretty well! At school I'm actually pretty happy. My friends keep me afloat and I adore them (even though they have NO CLUE about my eating habits. They think I'm a health nut, but I can safely smile and say, 'No, just trying to be healthy!' and they don't question it. Except Lara, when I threw away my sandwich. 'You don't eat anything at all!' 'I do, I'm eating this apple.' 'But that's so little.' 'No, you get used to it.' '...but why would you want to get used to it?' BECAUSE I WANT TO BE THIN! But that's been it so far.) I also ran into B today! Nothing much happened. He was nice. He didn't seem worried about me, though. He seemed just...normal. Like there was nothing. But I don't think it matters. I'm seeing him and some friends on Friday to celebrate our friend's birthday at Pizza Hut. UGH. How sickening it's going to be. Pizza= oil + fat. Disgusting. I guess I'll see him there!

Success: My mom is going to stop making me lunch because I told her I'm going to start buying soup at the cafe for 50p. It's true, there's soup there, and it's 50p, but it's in a tiny little cup and is only 52 calories. That's my snack, if I really need it. She ranted at me for a while about how I'm wasting my money and need to get a job, but she's letting me.

YES. NO MORE CRAVINGS. NO MORE GIVING UP AND EATING THE ENTRE PBJ.

Woah, I looked up the no. of calories and it's 380. Holy fuck me shitless. That's a hell of a lot more than I thought.

380-32=348 cals saved.

SCORE!

And at breakfast, I'm going to start eating less too. I don't need to finish the entire bowl, it's unneccessary. And at dinner, I definitely don't have to finish everything. Also, I'm going to start carrying around Tums with me, as well as caffeine pills and gum. Yay.

I love not eating. When I'm full, I feel frightened and guilty, and I worry that I'm counting my calories wrong (which, evidently, I have been. Shit.) So now I just like feeling empty. I know I can survive eating very little. I just need to be able to do this.

And I can do this. I will do this.

Thanks for the support, guys, I really need it right now and I love getting comments. It gives me determination.

Starve on.

1 comment:

jane said...

Yes, damn that pasta! Don't worry, if you compensate for it the next day you should be fine. I've noticed that you've been slowly cutting down your calorie intake. Can you see any results yet?
Good to hear that your mum doesn't make you the PBJ anymore. Your friend sounds like she may be on to you. It really is harder to hide non-eating at school compared to uni, glad I'm no longer a high school student.
Maybe I should start taking caffeine pills instead of my daily coffee. It will save me the money and the calories. I spend about $15 on coffee a week.
Keep on going, your posts inspire me.