30/9/08

Right.

Basically, told B, and he has made me promise I will stop and I have to tell him how everything is going. S also knows, and all my friends at school are worried and probably have some idea but don't officially know, so everyone is going to keep an eye on me anyway. And I can't try anything anyone, because I promised B.

But...I really want to. And it's hard.

Now that I'm 'recovering', it's getting harder for me to eat. Harder! It's weird. I look at food with a sort of renewed attention because I know I should be eating it, but every time I do eat something I feel like I'm going to throw up. It's hard because I want everyone to stop worrying about me, but I also want to stay slim...and get slimmer.

But I promised B. Argh, conscience!

Classic example of wanting to have my cake and eat it too. I see so many girls who are so much thinner than me, and it just makes me sick...

I don't know why every time I eat something, I feel like I'm going to throw up. It's weird. I never had it before.

If B hadn't intervened, I probably would be liquid fasting by now, I feel such a lack of appetite.

My mother and brother are driving me insane. They yell at me ALL THE TIME. I can't take it. I'm never good enough for them. I'm too ugly, too fat, too stupid, don't have enough friends (untrue) and am too pathetic. I wish I could say, 'what's so great about you? How dare you tell me this, when everything I do is for everyone else?' But I can't. So it just makes me less hungry. I just want to be empty inside....

I made a promise to B, but I can't give this up. It's my lifestyle. I don't know what to do.

Ugh...