25/9/08

First of all, a shout out to all my commenters...thanks for the support, when I read all your comments it really made my day and kept me going. Thank you, I really appreciate it :)

Anyways, recent updates...first of all just a rant about personal stuff. I've been just so messed up recently, it's terrible, terrible. One minute I'm up, the other I'm down, I just can't control it. My mood will switch literally in a second. For example, I was having a really good day today when suddenly in Biology a little voice in my head just whispered...'I can't take it anymore.' And then my mood just sunk. Really. And I felt horrible, and sick, and all I wanted to do was go run away and cry somewhere. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just don't, I don't.

I talked to B yesterday :( I know. And, although I know it shouldn't bother me, it does because he's just so happy. And God knows I want him to be happy, but...I don't know. I think it bothers me that he's just so free and bright, and I'm just so miserable and unhappy inside. I want him to worry about me, but at the same time I don't. I don't know...I just feel so lonely. Which is funny, really, because on the outside I'm just that bright, confident girl with the beautiful smile and bright eyes that's always up for a chat. But on the inside I'm cold and empty and lonely, unable to confide in anyone (except for the Internet, and B), who has self-esteem issues and is just...unhappy. Lol, mood swing, I was feeling quite happy for a moment before I re-read what I wrote. But that's how I feel most of the time.

When I was talking to him on msn, he said that we should meet up sometime again soon, and that we should have a nice, long proper chat. I'm worried because I think we have, so I'm worried he has something to tell me. New girlfriend, maybe? Talks about this girl called Amy a lot, I know. I don't know what I feel about him anymore. I don't want to go out with him, I just want him to be there for me. Just like more than friends, but nothing labelled. I want him to care about me. He's the only person I know who really and truly cares about me, who's always been there for me, who loves me despite my problems and issues...except this one. I think if he read my blog, he'd be appalled and disgusted. When he said we should meet up, I nearly told him and said, 'I don't know how to say this' (I was going to say to him, 'I don't think we should talk anymore because I don't want you to see what I'm becoming', but I don't want to get caught) but never did in the end and got sort of hysterical when he told me to tell him. So he said, 'I'm just trying to say I'm always here for you, like I always have been, and you can ring me any time' and I got even more hysterical and started saying, 'no, no, no, I don't want to, I'm so sorry, so sorry for everything' and then quickly went offline.

He shouldn't put up with me. He's always so worried about me, it makes me sick to my stomach. I want him to care, but I don't want him to care. I half like him worrying about me because I feel cared for, but the other half feels cruel and pathetic for making him worry. And this was on the night of his Fresher's ball, too, so I know I sort of ruined the night for him. I'm sure he had a great time anyway, but still...how could I do that to him!? God, I'm so fucked up...I want to say to him, 'Why? Why did you love me? How could you even care about me? Why am I so special to you? How could you even like me, let alone have loved me?' He cares about me, so much, and worries about me, so much. I want him to be there for me, so I can just rely on him and spill out all my problems, but I know it's selfish. One half of me wants him to be there for me, always, because he's so great and understanding and so reliable, but the other half wants me to tell him, 'Just leave! Just leave and forget about me. Forget I ever existed. Forget about what you feel for me and go out with Amy, go to your college and just leave so I won't make you worry and hurt you anymore. I don't deserve your sympathy. I'm just a pathetic, whiny girl with too many problems that are not even problems, and too many issues that are not even issues. What have I ever added to your life? You're better off without me' and then just deal with myself by myself. But I don't know. I just don't know.

Even worse, while I was talking to him, my mom kept on wandering over and seeing what I was doing. Now, most of the time I really adore my mom, but sometimes she crosses the line way, way too much. Her and my brother were a major reason for me and B breaking up, actually. So she knew I was talking to him, and as she was going upstairs she said to me in this horrible, snide, bitchy tone, 'You know, you shouldn't even be talking to B anyway. HE DUMPED YOU, REMEMBER? You're not his GIRLFRIEND anymore. Get over it. Make your own friends (which I have done, I have loads of friends at my new school which is really great; as much as I sound like a lonely depressed kid here I'm actually the polar opposite in 'real life') and get a life. You're just being lame and pathetic.' When I heard that, it about killed me. I felt like I was going to explode with anger and sadness. I was actually shaking when I got into bed. Although they don't know it (obviously) my mother is one of the main, if not the main source for my painful self-esteem, security and ED. My family causes a lot of issues for me, and as much as I love them, I really do wish that they were not so involved in my life. I used to confide in my mother, all the time, but now I have realized that I can't tell her everything because she throws it back at you. When I heard that my emotions were completely confused, but the only thing I wanted to do is purge, purge, purge. I tried, but couldn't- I can never throw up, even when I want to- so I ended up just going to bed shaking. And I'm going into London to visit this university thingy with her, instead of seeing my friends which I really, really need to right now. I hate it, I hate this, I hate myself, I hate everything. Argh.

On the plus side, and most importantly for this blog, I'm doing really well! I would have done even better if I hadn't given in to eating all that cereal, but still!

Here's a list of what I ate:

1/3 cup porrige (100)
1 serving blueberries (80)
1 serving mangoes (60)
1 salted egg (100)
1 serving soup (52)
1 chocolate rice crispy thing (50)
2 dark chocolates (100)
1 serving cereal (120)
1 bite choc muffin (20)
few bites PBJ (50)
1 bowl soup + noodles (135)
1 plum (30)

And I burnt 200 or 300 at the gym, either one but am going to say 200 just in case. So, all in all....about 700 calories! May sound like absolutely loads to some of you, but it's definitely better for me. And I'm going to cut out the cereal, and all the junk tomorrow. All the sweets I mentioned are not usual; it was someone's birthday and as a rule, I tend to let myself eat then because it's not part of my schedule. So I'm pleased! I definitely have to restrict tomorrow, too, because I know that I won't have enough time to work out. So I'll let myself feel the pain and feel good about it, too.

More problems, though: my friends saw my food journal and freaked out, and they found out that I didn't eat my PBJ today for lunch either. So they are worried. And S might tell B. I sort of want him to, so he can say to me that I have to stop, that he's worried about me. So I know he cares about me. But I don't want him to worry about me, because I don't want him to not be happy. But I do, because then I know he cares about me, but I know it's selfish. I'm so confused. Ugh. That's pathetic, I know. I'm pathetic. I just hate myself so much I want to hurt myself. So I hurt my body. I love the feeling of going up to the vending machine and buying myself a tiny little cup of soup, 52 cals, and knowing that people would be appalled because it makes me feel disciplined. But I hate it, too. What I want is to hide all my problems so no one realizes. And then I can put on a happy front again and be happy. But I know they are already worried about me, and B is worried about me because he is worried I'm unhappy, that my family is stressing me out, and any fears that my/his friends (we share the same circle) tell him. Argh. This is too hard. I can't lie to him. I can't not lie to him. I can't talk to him. I can't not talk to him. My ED is the only thing I feel good about in my life, but it's causing me issues. But I can't let it go, because I love it. I just need to hide it, but I can't. It's almost as if I can't help hinting about it around people, so I know they'll be worried. I want them to notice, but hate it when they do. I think what I want is for them to notice a little bit, but not get properly worried. Argh. I just need someone supportive to read my post and tell me what to do. My issues are getting waaay out of whack.

Anyway, more positively, a tip for anyone with cravings! Make an ana bracelet- not only will it help identify you to others, but it will help with hunger. It will help remind you when you are about to eat not to, and also it helps if you have put some accessories on it. I added some butterflies on mine. It makes it more pretty and therefore more like a 'fashion accessory', but it also helps when you are hungry. This is because you can always grab it when you get a craving. My butterflies are actually quite sharp, so the edges dig into my skin. It is painful, but in a good way, and it helps distract you and reminds you what you are working for. And it is definitely less obvious than carrying around a thinspo picture with you as well ;)

Stay strong, starve on to anyone who's reading...be stronger than me. Be a better person than me. You can do it. Remember, anything is possible...