18/9/08

Argh! I am just so undisciplined. I actually hate, hate, hate myself. Every day I binge...and binge more. Dammit, this was supposed to be my thin week! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!? I eat absolutely TONS when I get home. Today I got home, ate a peach, 2 slices of baloney, 4 slices of swiss cheese and like, 4 slices of ham. That should be a MEAL for me, and then I had dinner (which fortunately was healthy, but I would have eaten just as much if it wasn't!)

Thank God it's Friday tomorrow...I had been having an excellent week, but everything seemed to just fall apart today. I've met a lot of new people, including these 2 girls that I'll call R and G, who are really nice but we haven't yet properly passed the line from class friends to proper friends who hang out together at lunch and stuff. I also know this girl called J a bit, and another girl who is alright (an eco nut, though, which I despise) and then of course I have my BFF who I'll call BRD who is also feeling out of sorts, much more than me. That's all the girls I really know. I have met tons and tons of guys, but that actually makes me feel quite bad. I really want gfs again. By the end of secondary school, I wasn't at all friends with my old gfs and only had BRD. So I thought I'd make lots of new gfs in my new school, but it doesn't seem to be working that well. I have to see R and G tomorrow; I'm sure I will anyway because we're in double maths together. I suppose it's quite good for just starting a school that I've made a little friends with them already, as we eat together sometimes and stuff and most of the people here are still in their school groups, but most of the time I'm in my school group too. So I am feeling rather bad. I think it's just a low day, but it seemed like everything went wrong today even though when I think back, nothing went much wrong. It's just my perception, I think. Which is a shame, because this week had been going really, really well.

It doesn't help that my family picks apart all my fears. For one, my brother is really annoying and only talks about himself, and clothes, and how great he is and how good it is to be arrogant. (he sounds it but no, he is not gay) My mom is even worse, as she is completely negative and seems to know exactly what to say to upset me. Like, when I was talking to B before, she said in a horribly snide and bitchy tone, 'why are you still talking to him anyway? I thought your relationship was over. Still trying to play the helpless girlfriend?' which is just SO low to hit. Also, she keeps on nagging me about not making gfs, which is still a sore spot for me because I'm trying to, but it's always harder to make good gfs than guy friends right away, isn't it? And she keeps on nagging and nagging me about my weight! Yes, I know I have been uber binging recently, and I know I've probably gained weight, but it is just SO HARD not to, and it makes it harder when she brings it up!

It's almost like my body WANTS to hurt itself. I surf pro ana sites all the time, but it just makes me feel bad, and I just eat and eat and eat even though I'm not hungry. My friends are worried about me, especially S, the lovely boy, and I both crave and hate the attention. B worries about me too...I want him to and don't want him to. I think I want to save myself, and have him tell me it's alright, which he does...but I can't. He's so stable. I was talking to him yesterday and he's just so lovely. He's always there for me. He always worries about me taking care of myself. Oh, B! I asked him if he would be hurt if I lied/omitted important details to him, and he said yes, very, which makes me feel so bad. If only you knew how obsessed I was...I think it would really upset you. Lol, would you love me as much if you knew how neurotic I was? But I don't want him to know. I don't want him to think of me like this...so who can I talk to? Not BRD, she wouldn't understand. I think about it all the time. It's an obsession, but a terrible one. I have the mindset, just not the action. I think I'm going to do it soon. One of my fantasies is going on 2468 and having that empty, hungry belly...I want to lose weight. I just keep on getting sidetracked. I'm going to start chewing gum to make myself less hungry. I fantasise about it all the time. I don't know what to do. I think soon I'm going to just plunge into not eating, after all this bingeing...

I need to be more positive. I just got texted from R about the maths, so good! =) I'm doing alright. Tomorrow I'm going to bring two servings of raisins, which are 260 calories altogether, and eat them all day so I don't feel hungry. This is normally what I eat every day:

Breakfast- 1/3 cup oatmeal + 2 servings of fruit (125 + 60 + 60 =245 cals)
Lunch- 3 slices toast + peanut butter + jelly (180 + 260 + 30= 470 cals)
Dinner- whatever's being served, 500 cals maybe?
Snack- I'm thinking 500-1000, if I'm being honest.

Which is...over 2000. I need to constrict. Majorly. I'm going to start going to the gym, which will defo help, and I'm going to stop eating so much for dinner to start with. I want to majorly crunch, right away, but I just can't. My mind...it's too hard. So I'm going to start drinking tea and coffee all the time, chew gum and eat raisins all day. Then I won't be hungry when I get home. And then I can restrict dinner. And then I can restrict lunch. And then, if I'm really good, I can start skipping lunch. And then I can start really restricting dinner. Lol, my friends would be so worried about me if they knew. S and D already think I'm borderline and don't eat enough. Like hell I don't eat enough! I'm thinking about cutting it by half...