3/9/08

Me and my boyfriend broke up. Which is hard. He initiated, but it was mutual. Pretty much- I probably wouldn't have broken up with him right away, but I knew something was wrong and I even told him, if he didn't break up with me now, I would have broken up with him soon. He actually told me he wanted to break up on the 1st, but it was so late I couldn't post and yesterday was just too hard. It was completely amicable, and we're still friends, best friends, but still it's...hard. It's only been 3 months, and 1 of those months I was away (although we kept in contact), but it feels so much longer because we've practically been together for so long. He said that it had everything to do with Friday, the last time we saw each other as bf/gf. At one point I went all cold and silent, because he was trying to pressure me, but I thought we got it all sorted out. However, I do understand his feelings- at the time I also had the feeling that it was final, and I had been listening to breakup music all weekend and felt like I could relate to it, and now I can. It's awful, though, because we have been friends (and he has liked me) for so long, 3 years, and now we just don't know where to go.

The worst thing is it isn't clean- if he had told me he didn't love me anymore, or he found someone else, or he just didn't want to, I could get over it. But he tells me he still loves me, as much as before, and thinks I'm special (I know, it sounds like I'm being naive but he means it), and I feel the same way and we both know it and have discussed it. And...don't know where to go. He says he wants to go back to the way we were before we were going out, as what he calls 'close friends.' But his definition of 'close friends' is friends with feelings for each other, and he actually just thought of us officially going out was just putting a title on what we already had. But that's not true! Before we were going out, we were never as close as we were, both physically and mentally (maybe not in his opinion mentally, but definitely physically.)

He said that it's my choice and although we can't go out again he wants me to be happy, whether or not we go more or less than 'close friends', it's my choice. He knows my views about going too far before marriage and respects them, so he also said that it would be an added benefit if we did, but he's not expecting it. The problem is, what I basically want is everything to go back to what it was before Friday, but something did change on Friday and although I wouldn't have made the decision to break up, something did happen. I still want the closeness, both physically (and by this I mean things like holding hands, snuggling, kissing, maybe more sometimes) and mentally. However, I don't feel like I can do those things without being his girlfriend, because I said I feel like I'm 'giving it away', to which he asked, 'what do you want in return?' Although I couldn't think of the answer at the time, I know it now- commitment. I don't want to be in a FWB relationship, because although he didn't ask for that, that's what it is to me because I still want to pull and...stuff. But I can't do that as FWB because I feel like there's no security, and we can't go out again...so I think the answer is, we can only be close friends with no physical intimacy between us. Which is a problem.

When we met up yesterday to talk about all this (what I've written is what we talked about), it was really difficult because when we sat down we were just as close as we were when we were a couple. We snuggled, held hands; he had his arm around my waist and I had my legs across his lap, when we hugged it was definitely more, and the only thing we didn't do was kiss because it would have been too weird because that is SO DEFINITELY coupley. I told him that I could only do things like that if I was his girlfriend, because then I know it's exclusive and when we meet new people we can break up. But if we're just 'close friends (i.e. FWB) then what can we tell new people? We're not single, but we're not in a defined relationship...he says that I'm too hung up on labels, because I told him that if I'm not his girlfirend then he won't text me, buy me presents, etc (bad analogy, I know) and that he would, and that we should just see what happens and do what we're comfortable with and not worry about how we're expected to act when we're labelled. I know that I'm expecting him to know what to do, and I hate not knowing what not happens with anything, let alone this, but...argh! We both are still SO ATTACHED to each other, to not be what we were before is too weird. For me anyway. He wants us to be 'close friends', but what is that? He's not expecting any intimacy with me, but I want to, but is that only to feel closer to him? I don't know. This is what I think:

I think that we're both confused right now, but in the end this will result in nothing. We will remain friends, very close friends, borderline more, even past the border more, but last Tuesday he started his college and this Monday I'm starting mine and there is no way we can do this. We're upset now, trying now, hurt now, crying now, but I think it's ended and although we're trying to find solutions to stay together there's nothing we can do. Does he still want to stay together? I think he doesn't want the official title, but he doesn't want to lose what we had. Does he still love me? Yes. But can we make it work? Not like before- although we'll still be close we're separating; we have different schools, we broke up so it would be hard to find ground and right now it's hard because we both are SO confused. I'm going to not talk to him until I start Hills. And I think he isn't either. The weird thing is we've never been separated before, because we were always the person we confided in about our problems. But this is the 'break' in break up, so that's what I'll do. So, all in all, I think it's over.

Anyway, I feel sad about this. He feels sad about it too. It's hard. It's hard especially in the mornings and in the nights, because that's when I think about him, and I get teary, but otherwise I'm pretty good. I feel like there's this little core of unhappiness inside me, but I'm living my life like normal. Considering I just got dumped by someone I care about immensely 2 days ago, I'm alright. But then again, although it's harder to get over, it's less hurtful to break up with someone who basically says, 'I love you and you're the most special person to me and have been since I've met you, but we can't go out because there's something wrong and I want to be what we were before, which is close friends (but his definition of close friends is messed up, so what he means is close friends with feelings for each other).' I have all this unspent emotion from this, so I'm throwing myself into self-improvement. I'm going to pursue my interests, be lovely and chirpy and fashionable and cheerful and outgoing when I start school, make lots of friends, get excellent grades and really, really lose weight. One good thing about breaking up- I don't feel like eating anymore. And I get the feeling once I get into it, I'll get really into exercise. And it's right before school too! Progress for today:

Breakfast- 2 bowls cereal + milk (410 calories approx)

Lunch- 1 tiny slice banana bread (60? calories, maybe less)

Dinner- 1 bowl rice + egg + shrimp (440 calories approx)

Exercise- 0.5-1 mile walk before breakfast, 0.5 mile walk at lunch, 1 mile walk before dinner, 4 mile run and 0.5 mile walk after dinner, and then regular exercises and stretches

Woot! 910 calories consumed, and I don't know how many lost. I've upped my exercise a little, and I'm going to try to eat even less tomorrow! Yay! Good points of breaking up- all the energy must be thrown into something. And I will throw it in and make myself a better, prettier, thinner, brighter, smarter person. Yeah!