18/10/08

Right. I'm on my period. And I have been eating. Loads. Ridiculous amounts. I feel enormous. I can't even say how enormous I feel. When I walk, I can feel the tops of my thighs rub together. It almost as if the fat has accumulated in layers around my bum and thighs, and if I restrict the layers will just peel off. At least, that's what I want anyway. I think I've probably added about ten more layers in the last three days though, considering the amount of CHOCOLATE and COOKIES and BREAD that I've been eating.

Anyone else who has period problems: here are some helpful (and healthful) tricks to combat cravings. If only I had thought of them before!

Many people crave chocolate during their period. This is because chocolate contains a lot of magnesium. Unfortunately, chocolate is also very fattening...apparently eating more magnesium will make these cravings abate because what your body really wants is the magnesium. If you don't take magnesium pills, you should start a little bit before and during your period, and if you do you should up the amount you a take A LITTLE BIT.

Another trick is to eat pure cocoa powder instead of the chocolate. A little while ago I posted how to make non-fattening hot chocolate by just added a tsp of cocoa powder, some sweetner (I use splenda) and hot water. Now that is PERFECT for getting rid of cravings, because as it is pure cocoa powder it is loaded with magnesium, is caffeinated so it speeds up your metabolism, and it is extremely filling.

Maybe I'll do them another time, when I'm more prepared. As of now, it's too late. I binged absolutely fucking loads and I feel like shit. Normally when I binge, I have the sense of, 'well, tomorrow's another day and I know I can do it.' These last few days...not at all. I didn't even binge healthily. I binged on COOKIE DOUGH. I mean, seriously. WHAT THE FUCK!?

Another thing I have to admit....I have been purging recently. A lot. At least once a day. My throat feels all scratchy, my glands are swollen, I keep on getting muscle cramps and it hurts when I swallow. When I eat too much, I feel the impulse right away to throw up again. It makes me feel horrible because it's such a terrible act and it's so degrading and disgusting, but it also makes me feel better because even though I know it's not an efficient way to burn calories it just makes me feel better to be empty.

I ended up telling B about my purging. Well, not so much as telling as admitting. And, if you'd believe it, he still feels the same way about me. God knows I hate myself for doing this to him. He's really worried about me. That's an understatement. He's really, really worried about me and wants me to get help. Seriously. I keep on making promises to him, to my friends, to myself, to my readers and I end up breaking all and not being happy with anything. To be completely honest, right now what I want to do is fast for a long, long time and just...empty myself. But I know I couldn't do that to him, and really to all my friends. It's not that I would have to tell everyone else, but I know I would end up telling him and really, how much more can I load on him? I feel guilty enough about it now, but if I carry on for much longer...I don't know. I can't see the future.

However, I can't do nothing and I know that I can change somethings and satisfy both demands. Even without B's intervention, I would have changed. I know that I've been binging and am going to continue binging if I don't get back on schedule, and I definitely know that I CANNOT keep on purging.

I'm going to eat more. Which sounds bad, very bad from my usual perspective. Especially since I feels so enormous right now. However, I think it should be alright. Normally when I go home I eat at least a little bit unhealthy anyway which is not good. So here's the plan- I'm going to stick with my porridge and fruit for breakfast, and apple for lunch, but I'm going to add a healthy snack as well during the day. This should curb my cravings when I get home, as well as keep up my metabolism and energy during the day.

I am going to stop purging. I did promise B, and I myself know that it just murders your body. I can definitely feel the effects, and they really do hurt. It's unhealthy, it's ineffective, it's degrading and to be honest, it's complete madness. It hurts to do it. It hurts your body, and it hurts you. So I'm going to stop. The way I'm going to do this is simply stop binging. I know it'll be hard, but if I start eating a snack in the middle of the day and if I just think that I am completing a promise that will satisfy everyone, then I know I can do this.

I can still restrict whilst being happy. I can still lose weight and be disciplined in all aspects of my life while still being healthy. I can satisfy everything without being unhappy myself.

I think before I was too obsessed with the numbers. Now I'm just going to try to be generally more healthy. It's a better method, I think, and the one that works best for me. During the summer, this really worked for me. When I started college, I got really stressed so I just began obsessively counting. Although there are some results, the pain and worry I have put myself and my friends through is nothing compared to the minimal amount of weight I have lost. It's ineffective because all I do is restrict and binge, and everyone knows yo-yo dieting doesn't work. And it's painful to my well-being, and to all my friends.

As I said before, I just need to get into a pattern. I'll still be restricting, and am hoping to stay under 600, but I'll just be more healthy. Instead of restricting for a long period of time and then eating 400 calories all at once, I'll be spacing it out. That way I'll still feel in control, but I won't be damaging my body. I'll still be disciplined, and will still be fulfilling what I want in life, just in a less obsessive way.

It's such a simple answer, I don't know why I didn't think of it. Before, I just thought, the less I eat the more I lose. It's true, but I was feeling too guilty to follow it properly so I would just end up doing nutty stuff and hurting everyone and myself. Now I just plan on restricting like before, but I also plan on being healthy and eating at least a little bit when I'm hungry.

Okay. I can do this. Here's one for B, not that he reads this thank God, but still:

I can do this. I have the discipline, and the determination. I can do this, and I will do this.

I know my friends want me to completely 'recover' and eat 2000 calories a day. I'm sorry, but that's just not going to happen, no matter what you do. 2000 cals = binge to me. What I can do is stop obsessing about it, stop purging and eat healthy so my body doesn't go crazy on me.

Right. I think this is the one solution, the one promise that I can keep and not feel bad.

Thanks for all your support, guys. It means a lot to me.

xz