23/9/08

Although today wasn't much better than usual, my outlook is so completely more positive. Today I had breakfast, a tiny little bit less than usual, and then at break I had a miniscule cup of soup which is 52 calories. I had my normal lunch plus the same soup, and then I exercised at the gym for 45 minutes. After that I had a serving of cereal which outdid what I did at the gym, went home and had a big dinner consisting of a bowl of white rice and three medium sized spicy meatballs. I know, it doesn't sound good in any way at all, but I'm feeling so positive about this that I just know it will get better. I'm so glad I've found that soup. I'll just start eating it every day for lunch, and will just chew gum in the meantime to stop me feeling so very hungry. I want to start slow at first, start exercising, eat normally, then restrict just a little bit at a time until finally my 'normal' is really, really cut down. Hopefully by that time I'll have lost weight, and then I'll just see what to do from there. I'm going to start going to the gym every day, and will cut out my lunch too. However, there are some problems:

• I am very poor. Soup costs 50p each which sounds like nothing, but really for me it is quite expensive a day
• My mom makes me lunch every day. It'll make me feel bad to waste her food
• I don't know how to start restricting breakfast and dinner; my family is very observant and will definitely notice me not eating as much
• My friends are very, very, very observant and already are worried and alerted about me
• I'm quite new to this and am not sure what to do; I think my plan is alright, but is there anything that could make it easier or more effective?

I already felt that feeling of sweet, sweet emptiness at break when I had my soup, and after the gym when I had a snack but knew I had the power to keep my stomach empty...oh, how it made me smile, knowing that I have the choice whether or not to put that food in my mouth! And how it made me laugh to walk past the Digestives when I was hungry! (normally I'm addicted to Digestives and eat like, 10 of them at a time) I know it doesn't sound like I did very well today, but I feel good and have the mentality and discipline. I don't want to completely plummet, because I'm worried it will affect my metabolism (I don't know if that's a myth or not) and, more importantly, I am worried my family and friends will noticed and make me eat and ruin my plans.

Here is what used to be my daily schedule:

1. wake up at 6.30, brush teeth, maybe drink a glass of water and stretch
2. go downstairs, eat a bowl of porridge made from 1/3 cup wheatbran and 2 servings of fruit
3. go to the bus, go to school, classes etc
4. break is at 11.15-11.35, may eat something, may not. Have been eating about 250 cals worth of dark chocolate though, but that is easy to cut out
5. classes again until 12.40-1.45 which is lunch, where I normally eat a peanut butter and jam/jelly depending on whether or not you're British with 2 pieces altogether of toast (calorically dense, I know)
6. school ends, get back on the bus to go home, tend to graze (a lot) and then have dinner which is usually healthy and relatively small; one bowl of white rice + whatever is being served
7. may graze again before going to sleep

I know I can cut out everything at school, but I don't want to waste those sandwiches and I don't think there's any way around them. I could ask her to make me a different lunch, but she gets suspicious and I can't make my own lunch because then she'll definitely suspect and won't let me. What I want to do is go to school, chew gum all day, eat a piece of fruit or something at break and the soup at lunch and then go to the gym. I know that as I go along, I'll be able to restrict that. However, I think my main problem is at breakfast and dinner, especially dinner. I don't really know how to stop eating like I normally do, because my family will notice.

Any tips or advice would be much appreciated! :)