22/9/08

I just though I'd record that today at 6.25pm I put on the red bracelet.

I have now officially started my new life.

I have been...so tired...of living like this. Every day is a struggle, every day is painful because I try and try and always fail. Every day is a constant battle, and I've decided that I just won't live like this anymore.

Putting on this bracelet is a symbol of my commitment.

I'm starting slow at first, but I'll get there soon. I already have tasted- maybe not the best choice of words, but the only ones I can think of- some of that beautiful life, after I'm done exercising or not eating. That feeling of emptying your body and becoming pure again...that feeling of knowing you're resisting temptation for the better....and becoming a better, higher, elevated person as a result. Knowing that no matter what happens in your life, you have control over this, and that control makes you beautiful.

This brings me to my second choice...I'm thinking about cutting off any sort of relationship with B, which basically means no contact at all. Even as I'm writing this, I'm feeling the urge to just stop and erase it all, but I know I can't. Because I really, really care about him, so much, and I know that if he knew what I was doing now that he would be so worried about me, and so hurt. And that's the worst sort of pain that someone can feel, the pain of knowing someone is doing something wrong, and the bewilderment and sense of helplessness of knowing there is nothing you can do to stop them while you watch it progress. The pain of ignorance, and I don't want to hurt him, ever, because he means so much to me. Yesterday I was talking to him, and I asked him if he thought that omitting the truth was the same as lying to someone and he said yes. I asked him if he would be hurt if I lied to him and he said, yes, very. I asked him if he thought and worried about me a lot, and he said yes, and that he worries about me being happy. Which makes me so terribly, terribly sad because I know that he's telling me the truth, and I can't bring myself to omit the truth from him because he considers it lying and I can never, never lie to him, yet I can't bring myself to tell him either because I know it will hurt him, and therefore me, because he'll be so worried.

So I guess the only way is to cut off contact. Maybe I'll be able to do it, maybe I won't. Well...I say maybe, but I don't want him to stop thinking about me, or caring about me, but I think I also have too little faith in him. I guess it's selfish of me. Part of me wants to admit everything, because I know he's the only person who can really 'help' me, but I don't want his help at the same time because it's not really help. I want his support without telling him why, even though I know that's impossible because I know that if I talk to him, I'll feel so bad about what he considers lying to him that I'll have to admit it, which will therefore result in him worrying like crazy about me and telling all of his/my friends to look after me, making it into a bigger deal than it really is and me getting pushed back into the vicious battle. It may also result in my parents finding out, who will definitely, definitely not understand and will just think I'm another pathetic teenage angst-y girl, and it may also result in my college finding out which will also affect my future. That is, in the worst case scenario. So either way, it's too big a risk. I have to find the strength to do this. In my opinion, Ana is all about the strength of the mind (discipline, self-control, willpower, strength) over strength of the body (urges, fatigue, hunger, pain), so this will be my first big break.

I want to do this. I want to be that skinny girl who can control herself, even when she can't control her life. This is not about weight loss, this is about purity, this is about discipline. Which is why his 'help' is useless, except for making me feel better because I know someone out there really, really cares about me.

I put on the bracelet, today. I have to make the first break, and everything afterward will be unimportant comparatively afterward. Physical pain is nothing compared to emotional pain.

I put on the bracelet. My life starts, today.