Monday, January 12, 2009

12/1/09

I am a fucking fatass and I hate myself.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I've barely been doing anything recently. Seriously, what do I waste my time on? I revise but I don't get smarter. I allow myself to eat anything I want with barely a second thought. I feel shitty. Seriously!?

I don't think I've been putting things into perspective. Recently, life seems like a blur, and my time just gets wasted on little inconsequential things like...MY COMPUTER.

I promise myself tomorrow will be a 'new start' but it's not. Before I was feeling a little svelter, but now I'm just back to being sort of blobby. My muscles don't feel strong. I feel unhealthy. The food I eat is fat peoples' food. Like cookies. Ugh.

Maybe I should start posting more often. It'll motivate me more. Just recently I haven't been feeling the motivation for...anything.

I disgust myself beyond belief.

Not to mention that I've been purging after dinner. Which, I know is bad, but I'm prone to it and I can't think of another way to stop eating in front of my family. And I'm getting addicted to it. It makes me feel so empty, but it also makes me hypersensitive to what I eat. Everything I eat seems so wrong. I know you need to eat to function, but still...every bite I take makes me feel like a failure.

I'm going to try staying after school with my friend for a few hours to revise. Straight revision, no computer. And bring a sandwich as my dinner. I'm going to try that tomorrow and see how it goes. And then maybe I'll get into the theme of things again.

3 comments:

SophiaRuins said...

aw, its okay hun, we all have our down days.

sometimes, things seem harder than they are and it feels like were not getting anywhere

but just remember that everyday is one step closer to where you want to be.

nadja said...

oh sweetie, i'm sorry to hear that you're feeling bad. don't be too hard on yourself, though, it'll get better!

Anonymous said...

"Everything I eat seems so wrong. I know you need to eat to function, but still...every bite I take makes me feel like a failure."

HMM -- is it maybe possible that the problem, then, isn't the eating itself, but the way you feel about eating?