23/9/08

Although today wasn't much better than usual, my outlook is so completely more positive. Today I had breakfast, a tiny little bit less than usual, and then at break I had a miniscule cup of soup which is 52 calories. I had my normal lunch plus the same soup, and then I exercised at the gym for 45 minutes. After that I had a serving of cereal which outdid what I did at the gym, went home and had a big dinner consisting of a bowl of white rice and three medium sized spicy meatballs. I know, it doesn't sound good in any way at all, but I'm feeling so positive about this that I just know it will get better. I'm so glad I've found that soup. I'll just start eating it every day for lunch, and will just chew gum in the meantime to stop me feeling so very hungry. I want to start slow at first, start exercising, eat normally, then restrict just a little bit at a time until finally my 'normal' is really, really cut down. Hopefully by that time I'll have lost weight, and then I'll just see what to do from there. I'm going to start going to the gym every day, and will cut out my lunch too. However, there are some problems:

• I am very poor. Soup costs 50p each which sounds like nothing, but really for me it is quite expensive a day
• My mom makes me lunch every day. It'll make me feel bad to waste her food
• I don't know how to start restricting breakfast and dinner; my family is very observant and will definitely notice me not eating as much
• My friends are very, very, very observant and already are worried and alerted about me
• I'm quite new to this and am not sure what to do; I think my plan is alright, but is there anything that could make it easier or more effective?

I already felt that feeling of sweet, sweet emptiness at break when I had my soup, and after the gym when I had a snack but knew I had the power to keep my stomach empty...oh, how it made me smile, knowing that I have the choice whether or not to put that food in my mouth! And how it made me laugh to walk past the Digestives when I was hungry! (normally I'm addicted to Digestives and eat like, 10 of them at a time) I know it doesn't sound like I did very well today, but I feel good and have the mentality and discipline. I don't want to completely plummet, because I'm worried it will affect my metabolism (I don't know if that's a myth or not) and, more importantly, I am worried my family and friends will noticed and make me eat and ruin my plans.

Here is what used to be my daily schedule:

1. wake up at 6.30, brush teeth, maybe drink a glass of water and stretch
2. go downstairs, eat a bowl of porridge made from 1/3 cup wheatbran and 2 servings of fruit
3. go to the bus, go to school, classes etc
4. break is at 11.15-11.35, may eat something, may not. Have been eating about 250 cals worth of dark chocolate though, but that is easy to cut out
5. classes again until 12.40-1.45 which is lunch, where I normally eat a peanut butter and jam/jelly depending on whether or not you're British with 2 pieces altogether of toast (calorically dense, I know)
6. school ends, get back on the bus to go home, tend to graze (a lot) and then have dinner which is usually healthy and relatively small; one bowl of white rice + whatever is being served
7. may graze again before going to sleep

I know I can cut out everything at school, but I don't want to waste those sandwiches and I don't think there's any way around them. I could ask her to make me a different lunch, but she gets suspicious and I can't make my own lunch because then she'll definitely suspect and won't let me. What I want to do is go to school, chew gum all day, eat a piece of fruit or something at break and the soup at lunch and then go to the gym. I know that as I go along, I'll be able to restrict that. However, I think my main problem is at breakfast and dinner, especially dinner. I don't really know how to stop eating like I normally do, because my family will notice.

Any tips or advice would be much appreciated! :)

22/9/08

I just though I'd record that today at 6.25pm I put on the red bracelet.

I have now officially started my new life.

I have been...so tired...of living like this. Every day is a struggle, every day is painful because I try and try and always fail. Every day is a constant battle, and I've decided that I just won't live like this anymore.

Putting on this bracelet is a symbol of my commitment.

I'm starting slow at first, but I'll get there soon. I already have tasted- maybe not the best choice of words, but the only ones I can think of- some of that beautiful life, after I'm done exercising or not eating. That feeling of emptying your body and becoming pure again...that feeling of knowing you're resisting temptation for the better....and becoming a better, higher, elevated person as a result. Knowing that no matter what happens in your life, you have control over this, and that control makes you beautiful.

This brings me to my second choice...I'm thinking about cutting off any sort of relationship with B, which basically means no contact at all. Even as I'm writing this, I'm feeling the urge to just stop and erase it all, but I know I can't. Because I really, really care about him, so much, and I know that if he knew what I was doing now that he would be so worried about me, and so hurt. And that's the worst sort of pain that someone can feel, the pain of knowing someone is doing something wrong, and the bewilderment and sense of helplessness of knowing there is nothing you can do to stop them while you watch it progress. The pain of ignorance, and I don't want to hurt him, ever, because he means so much to me. Yesterday I was talking to him, and I asked him if he thought that omitting the truth was the same as lying to someone and he said yes. I asked him if he would be hurt if I lied to him and he said, yes, very. I asked him if he thought and worried about me a lot, and he said yes, and that he worries about me being happy. Which makes me so terribly, terribly sad because I know that he's telling me the truth, and I can't bring myself to omit the truth from him because he considers it lying and I can never, never lie to him, yet I can't bring myself to tell him either because I know it will hurt him, and therefore me, because he'll be so worried.

So I guess the only way is to cut off contact. Maybe I'll be able to do it, maybe I won't. Well...I say maybe, but I don't want him to stop thinking about me, or caring about me, but I think I also have too little faith in him. I guess it's selfish of me. Part of me wants to admit everything, because I know he's the only person who can really 'help' me, but I don't want his help at the same time because it's not really help. I want his support without telling him why, even though I know that's impossible because I know that if I talk to him, I'll feel so bad about what he considers lying to him that I'll have to admit it, which will therefore result in him worrying like crazy about me and telling all of his/my friends to look after me, making it into a bigger deal than it really is and me getting pushed back into the vicious battle. It may also result in my parents finding out, who will definitely, definitely not understand and will just think I'm another pathetic teenage angst-y girl, and it may also result in my college finding out which will also affect my future. That is, in the worst case scenario. So either way, it's too big a risk. I have to find the strength to do this. In my opinion, Ana is all about the strength of the mind (discipline, self-control, willpower, strength) over strength of the body (urges, fatigue, hunger, pain), so this will be my first big break.

I want to do this. I want to be that skinny girl who can control herself, even when she can't control her life. This is not about weight loss, this is about purity, this is about discipline. Which is why his 'help' is useless, except for making me feel better because I know someone out there really, really cares about me.

I put on the bracelet, today. I have to make the first break, and everything afterward will be unimportant comparatively afterward. Physical pain is nothing compared to emotional pain.

I put on the bracelet. My life starts, today.

20/9/08

I feel so sick with myself. I am too undisciplined. Nothing, nothing ever works with me. I used to be so good. I used to be able to eat without binging. I used to like knowing that I was eating smaller and smaller portions, I used to like knowing that I could expect one of my favourite meals a week away, because it gave me something to look forward too. But now I just can't. When I'm hungry, I'll eat. When I'm full, I'll eat more. When there's food around, I'll eat it, even if I find it disgusting. For instance, today. Today was just a huge mess. I had originally been planning only to eat dinner. This plan failed when I went downstairs, craved some peanut butter and dipped my finger- yes, dipped my finger- into the jar to get some. It filled me up pretty well, all 180 calories of it, and I thought that would be it until dinner. But no, my mom comes downstairs and tells me to eat some toast. No way out of it, I thought, so I had some toast PLUS jam and MORE peanut butter! So, probably more calories than my normal breakfast, and more unhealthy. Still, feeling alright, so I go into town after drinking lots of coffee to suppress my appetite. Go into town, meet my friend, have about 150 cals worth of raisins, but still feeling alright. Then we go to Costa and I have a few bites of chocolate cake, and also finish off his frescato as well as my coffee and milk and sugar. But, I think, it's only a little bit so I'm still feeling alright. I walked all day, suppressed my appetite relatively well, and wasn't planning on eating when I got home. I walked home, maybe 2-3 miles, feeling good. Walked in the door, changed, went downstairs.

And that's where it went really wrong.

As soon as I got downstairs, I couldn't resist one teensy weensy little digestive worth 120 calories. Then we had dinner, albeit a healthy one, of pasta, olive oil, anchovies, broccoli and red peppers. Had a modest serving, about half a plateful. Then went back to get more broccoli. Feeling more full. Then went back again to get another half a plateful. I'm stuffed now, so I finally stop. Then, I can't resist another digestive. That's 240 calories of digestives. I know I'm being a pig, an utter pig, so I break it into little bits and stuff it into my mouth. And then- this is the worst bit, as if it isn't bad enough- I'm bored so I make cinnamon bread. Cinnamon bread, just loaded with sugar, milk, eggs and all the shit that makes you fatter and fatter and fatter. So I'm stirring the batter, and I can't resist a little taste. I put too much sugar in, but I don't care. And then suddenly I'm binging, scooping spoonfuls of the stuff into my mouth, knowing that I'm appalling and fat but I can't stop. Finally I do, after about FIVE HUGE SPOONFULS of the stuff, so I put it in the oven. Then, when I take it out, the bottom comes off when I take the fucking bread out of the pan. By now I know my plan's been ruined, and I fucked my whole day up, so I think that I may as well finish it badly. I scrap off the stuff that was stuck to the bottom and eat it. It's disgusting, burnt yet sweet, not a good mix but I keep on eating and eating it. And it's crumbly, so all the little bits keep coming off, but I just pick them up again and eat it until all is gone. And then I come on here and nearly cry because I fucked up and I'm fucked up and everything just fucked up for me because I am soooo undisciplined.

*sob*

19/9/08

I'm so fat I disgust myself :( I have to do my homework now. I'll vent later.

18/9/08

Argh! I am just so undisciplined. I actually hate, hate, hate myself. Every day I binge...and binge more. Dammit, this was supposed to be my thin week! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!? I eat absolutely TONS when I get home. Today I got home, ate a peach, 2 slices of baloney, 4 slices of swiss cheese and like, 4 slices of ham. That should be a MEAL for me, and then I had dinner (which fortunately was healthy, but I would have eaten just as much if it wasn't!)

Thank God it's Friday tomorrow...I had been having an excellent week, but everything seemed to just fall apart today. I've met a lot of new people, including these 2 girls that I'll call R and G, who are really nice but we haven't yet properly passed the line from class friends to proper friends who hang out together at lunch and stuff. I also know this girl called J a bit, and another girl who is alright (an eco nut, though, which I despise) and then of course I have my BFF who I'll call BRD who is also feeling out of sorts, much more than me. That's all the girls I really know. I have met tons and tons of guys, but that actually makes me feel quite bad. I really want gfs again. By the end of secondary school, I wasn't at all friends with my old gfs and only had BRD. So I thought I'd make lots of new gfs in my new school, but it doesn't seem to be working that well. I have to see R and G tomorrow; I'm sure I will anyway because we're in double maths together. I suppose it's quite good for just starting a school that I've made a little friends with them already, as we eat together sometimes and stuff and most of the people here are still in their school groups, but most of the time I'm in my school group too. So I am feeling rather bad. I think it's just a low day, but it seemed like everything went wrong today even though when I think back, nothing went much wrong. It's just my perception, I think. Which is a shame, because this week had been going really, really well.

It doesn't help that my family picks apart all my fears. For one, my brother is really annoying and only talks about himself, and clothes, and how great he is and how good it is to be arrogant. (he sounds it but no, he is not gay) My mom is even worse, as she is completely negative and seems to know exactly what to say to upset me. Like, when I was talking to B before, she said in a horribly snide and bitchy tone, 'why are you still talking to him anyway? I thought your relationship was over. Still trying to play the helpless girlfriend?' which is just SO low to hit. Also, she keeps on nagging me about not making gfs, which is still a sore spot for me because I'm trying to, but it's always harder to make good gfs than guy friends right away, isn't it? And she keeps on nagging and nagging me about my weight! Yes, I know I have been uber binging recently, and I know I've probably gained weight, but it is just SO HARD not to, and it makes it harder when she brings it up!

It's almost like my body WANTS to hurt itself. I surf pro ana sites all the time, but it just makes me feel bad, and I just eat and eat and eat even though I'm not hungry. My friends are worried about me, especially S, the lovely boy, and I both crave and hate the attention. B worries about me too...I want him to and don't want him to. I think I want to save myself, and have him tell me it's alright, which he does...but I can't. He's so stable. I was talking to him yesterday and he's just so lovely. He's always there for me. He always worries about me taking care of myself. Oh, B! I asked him if he would be hurt if I lied/omitted important details to him, and he said yes, very, which makes me feel so bad. If only you knew how obsessed I was...I think it would really upset you. Lol, would you love me as much if you knew how neurotic I was? But I don't want him to know. I don't want him to think of me like this...so who can I talk to? Not BRD, she wouldn't understand. I think about it all the time. It's an obsession, but a terrible one. I have the mindset, just not the action. I think I'm going to do it soon. One of my fantasies is going on 2468 and having that empty, hungry belly...I want to lose weight. I just keep on getting sidetracked. I'm going to start chewing gum to make myself less hungry. I fantasise about it all the time. I don't know what to do. I think soon I'm going to just plunge into not eating, after all this bingeing...

I need to be more positive. I just got texted from R about the maths, so good! =) I'm doing alright. Tomorrow I'm going to bring two servings of raisins, which are 260 calories altogether, and eat them all day so I don't feel hungry. This is normally what I eat every day:

Breakfast- 1/3 cup oatmeal + 2 servings of fruit (125 + 60 + 60 =245 cals)
Lunch- 3 slices toast + peanut butter + jelly (180 + 260 + 30= 470 cals)
Dinner- whatever's being served, 500 cals maybe?
Snack- I'm thinking 500-1000, if I'm being honest.

Which is...over 2000. I need to constrict. Majorly. I'm going to start going to the gym, which will defo help, and I'm going to stop eating so much for dinner to start with. I want to majorly crunch, right away, but I just can't. My mind...it's too hard. So I'm going to start drinking tea and coffee all the time, chew gum and eat raisins all day. Then I won't be hungry when I get home. And then I can restrict dinner. And then I can restrict lunch. And then, if I'm really good, I can start skipping lunch. And then I can start really restricting dinner. Lol, my friends would be so worried about me if they knew. S and D already think I'm borderline and don't eat enough. Like hell I don't eat enough! I'm thinking about cutting it by half...

14/9/08

Just started sixth form, so I haven't had the time to post. It is SO HARD! The work is insane, and not only do I not get it, but I am one of the few who don't. I got 5 A*s, 4 As and 2 Bs on my GCSEs, which was one of the best grades in my school. I have regularly met people who have gotten 7 or mor A*s, sometimes even 13 A*s! So, feeling stupid much? I've met some nice people around, including some HK Chinese ones so yay! Not really properly friends with them yet, but am getting to know them so that is good. Talked to my ex, I'll call him B from now on, which was good. He says he's glad everything got sorted and that we took a break so we could sort out our feelings, and said he still feels the same for me as before. (admittedly, I did ask him and I think he got a little bit annoyed because he said, 'I thought we sorted this out.') Which is good. Now that I've started a new school I've been a little bit more whack than usual, and without him (as a boyfriend or not) I am completely unstable. He is actually my pillar of stability. People tend to like my kookiness, but not many people know how out of control I get when I'm stressed. So really, although no one really knows it, I'm less kooky than completely neurotic and am getting really, really OCD. I also totally stress binged this week. It was terrible. I ate peanut butter, cookies, cereal, just TONS of carbs and it was disgusting. I would come home after barely eating all day and eat, eat, eat, eat, eat. I feel nauseous even now. But tomorrow is a new week, I'm joining the school gym, am getting my work sorted, making new friends and DEFINITELY eating well this week! Now that I'm getting sorted and even more so now that I've got my pillar back, I'll be definitely more disciplined. Health fast, anyone?

5/9/08

Right, no more posting about personal stuff for the moment. I seem to be writing only about that bad, but I suppose you write to get your thoughts out, eh? Anyway, it's nowhere near as bad as it sounds; everything is actually fine, but I'm a little bit neurotic so it helps to get all my thoughts out. A lot of good has been coming my way, too! For example, Ana is back! That is good news for me. Her blog is the best thinspiration I can have. Also, it's Autumn now, which makes me happy :) For England, Autumn is the best season. It's drizzly and dark and cold, which means I can wear my lovely clothes and bundle up. I also get to wear my Autumn pyjamas and use double duvets, as well as wake up to crisp, cool air which always inspires me to work out. I'm starting sixth form on Monday too, which is really, really exciting as it's a new school, fresh start sort of thing. There's a ton of activites to do there, which I'll definitely take advantage of, one of the most important being the gym ;) I'm also quite pleased with myself because I restricted my eating to about 1350 calories approx. :O Now I'm really, really disappointed. When I added it up a second ago it was 860, but now it's gone up by so much!! Good thing I checked! Yesterday I went out to eat with my friend, who is now very worried about me and made me eat some bread with butter (grr!) He's the loveliest guy ever, and I'm sure he's forgotten by now, but I'll have to be careful when I'm around him. Anyway, my day! I'm defo going to restrict tomorrow ;)

Breakfast- 1/3-1/2 cup oatmeal + 2 servings blueberries + 1 serving peaches + honey + peanut butter (540)

Lunch- 2 slices cinnamon bread + peanut butter + 1 small bowl milk + cereal (380)

Dinner- 1 tortilla + meat + onions + red peppers + 2 slices cinnamon bread (430)

Exercise- 2 miles jogging + regular exercises + regular stretches

Lots of water and green tea.

Oh my goodness, this is so unfair :( I thought I restricted so much more! I was writing about it and thought it didn't seem right, so I checked and I ate SO MUCH MORE than I thought! No wonder I'm not hungry :( This sucks. Ah well- at least I'm exercising and everything again. It was so dangerous running today. It had just rained, and because we're actually not allowed on the field I run on, I have to jump over this creek. Because it had rained, and there's not really a path but a slope, the ground had turned really muddy and I nearly slipped in. So I got all muddy :( However, something as small as that wasn't going to stop me running, so I did the normal amount :D I don't think I can up the jogging just yet, as 2 miles is still quite tiring for me. I'm upping my regular exercises, though, so that combined with eating less should be alright. I wonder...my breakfast is very healthy for me, but I think the time when I can best restrict is in the mornings. I'm supposed to do a 1/2 cup scoop, but I cut it down to a 1/3 and I think I can start cutting it down to a 1/4. However, if I do, will that just mean I get hungry and eat earlier? I suppose if I have the discipline, I won't let myself eat too much and my appetite will get smaller and smaller...either way, I'll try it tomorrow. I'm defo going to get under 1000 calories tomorrow. Anything over is just appalling for me. They say 2000 calories is natural, but then again there are all different types of women. I shouldn't be eating the same amount of food as, say, a 6 ft woman. Also, I want to be skinnier than the majority of the population. So I'll just keep exercising more and more, and eating less and less, and I should be fine. I'm thinking I would like to start putting pics up of my fat, blobby self but I don't have a camera and there's all the privacy issues as well. For example, I wouldn't like my pics to be photoshopped, and I would simply die if any of my friends found this blog. Which is why I took it off my profile. Either way, it doesn't really matter if I can put my pics up except for inspiration. But hopefully I won't need inspo if I keep it up, because the results should speak for themselves! Whey :)