30/9/08

Right.

Basically, told B, and he has made me promise I will stop and I have to tell him how everything is going. S also knows, and all my friends at school are worried and probably have some idea but don't officially know, so everyone is going to keep an eye on me anyway. And I can't try anything anyone, because I promised B.

But...I really want to. And it's hard.

Now that I'm 'recovering', it's getting harder for me to eat. Harder! It's weird. I look at food with a sort of renewed attention because I know I should be eating it, but every time I do eat something I feel like I'm going to throw up. It's hard because I want everyone to stop worrying about me, but I also want to stay slim...and get slimmer.

But I promised B. Argh, conscience!

Classic example of wanting to have my cake and eat it too. I see so many girls who are so much thinner than me, and it just makes me sick...

I don't know why every time I eat something, I feel like I'm going to throw up. It's weird. I never had it before.

If B hadn't intervened, I probably would be liquid fasting by now, I feel such a lack of appetite.

My mother and brother are driving me insane. They yell at me ALL THE TIME. I can't take it. I'm never good enough for them. I'm too ugly, too fat, too stupid, don't have enough friends (untrue) and am too pathetic. I wish I could say, 'what's so great about you? How dare you tell me this, when everything I do is for everyone else?' But I can't. So it just makes me less hungry. I just want to be empty inside....

I made a promise to B, but I can't give this up. It's my lifestyle. I don't know what to do.

Ugh...

26/9/08

Fuck. I just fucked EVERYTHING up with everyone.

I told B I didn't think it was a good idea not to talk anymore, and he has just completely cut me off and now I realize that I can't do it without him.

I have now had to admit to S EVERYTHING- yes, including this- and am hoping that mine and B can talk at least a little bit again.

So now he knows, and B will know, and they will never think of me in the same way again.

Fuck.

Will keep you posted.

25/9/08

First of all, a shout out to all my commenters...thanks for the support, when I read all your comments it really made my day and kept me going. Thank you, I really appreciate it :)

Anyways, recent updates...first of all just a rant about personal stuff. I've been just so messed up recently, it's terrible, terrible. One minute I'm up, the other I'm down, I just can't control it. My mood will switch literally in a second. For example, I was having a really good day today when suddenly in Biology a little voice in my head just whispered...'I can't take it anymore.' And then my mood just sunk. Really. And I felt horrible, and sick, and all I wanted to do was go run away and cry somewhere. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just don't, I don't.

I talked to B yesterday :( I know. And, although I know it shouldn't bother me, it does because he's just so happy. And God knows I want him to be happy, but...I don't know. I think it bothers me that he's just so free and bright, and I'm just so miserable and unhappy inside. I want him to worry about me, but at the same time I don't. I don't know...I just feel so lonely. Which is funny, really, because on the outside I'm just that bright, confident girl with the beautiful smile and bright eyes that's always up for a chat. But on the inside I'm cold and empty and lonely, unable to confide in anyone (except for the Internet, and B), who has self-esteem issues and is just...unhappy. Lol, mood swing, I was feeling quite happy for a moment before I re-read what I wrote. But that's how I feel most of the time.

When I was talking to him on msn, he said that we should meet up sometime again soon, and that we should have a nice, long proper chat. I'm worried because I think we have, so I'm worried he has something to tell me. New girlfriend, maybe? Talks about this girl called Amy a lot, I know. I don't know what I feel about him anymore. I don't want to go out with him, I just want him to be there for me. Just like more than friends, but nothing labelled. I want him to care about me. He's the only person I know who really and truly cares about me, who's always been there for me, who loves me despite my problems and issues...except this one. I think if he read my blog, he'd be appalled and disgusted. When he said we should meet up, I nearly told him and said, 'I don't know how to say this' (I was going to say to him, 'I don't think we should talk anymore because I don't want you to see what I'm becoming', but I don't want to get caught) but never did in the end and got sort of hysterical when he told me to tell him. So he said, 'I'm just trying to say I'm always here for you, like I always have been, and you can ring me any time' and I got even more hysterical and started saying, 'no, no, no, I don't want to, I'm so sorry, so sorry for everything' and then quickly went offline.

He shouldn't put up with me. He's always so worried about me, it makes me sick to my stomach. I want him to care, but I don't want him to care. I half like him worrying about me because I feel cared for, but the other half feels cruel and pathetic for making him worry. And this was on the night of his Fresher's ball, too, so I know I sort of ruined the night for him. I'm sure he had a great time anyway, but still...how could I do that to him!? God, I'm so fucked up...I want to say to him, 'Why? Why did you love me? How could you even care about me? Why am I so special to you? How could you even like me, let alone have loved me?' He cares about me, so much, and worries about me, so much. I want him to be there for me, so I can just rely on him and spill out all my problems, but I know it's selfish. One half of me wants him to be there for me, always, because he's so great and understanding and so reliable, but the other half wants me to tell him, 'Just leave! Just leave and forget about me. Forget I ever existed. Forget about what you feel for me and go out with Amy, go to your college and just leave so I won't make you worry and hurt you anymore. I don't deserve your sympathy. I'm just a pathetic, whiny girl with too many problems that are not even problems, and too many issues that are not even issues. What have I ever added to your life? You're better off without me' and then just deal with myself by myself. But I don't know. I just don't know.

Even worse, while I was talking to him, my mom kept on wandering over and seeing what I was doing. Now, most of the time I really adore my mom, but sometimes she crosses the line way, way too much. Her and my brother were a major reason for me and B breaking up, actually. So she knew I was talking to him, and as she was going upstairs she said to me in this horrible, snide, bitchy tone, 'You know, you shouldn't even be talking to B anyway. HE DUMPED YOU, REMEMBER? You're not his GIRLFRIEND anymore. Get over it. Make your own friends (which I have done, I have loads of friends at my new school which is really great; as much as I sound like a lonely depressed kid here I'm actually the polar opposite in 'real life') and get a life. You're just being lame and pathetic.' When I heard that, it about killed me. I felt like I was going to explode with anger and sadness. I was actually shaking when I got into bed. Although they don't know it (obviously) my mother is one of the main, if not the main source for my painful self-esteem, security and ED. My family causes a lot of issues for me, and as much as I love them, I really do wish that they were not so involved in my life. I used to confide in my mother, all the time, but now I have realized that I can't tell her everything because she throws it back at you. When I heard that my emotions were completely confused, but the only thing I wanted to do is purge, purge, purge. I tried, but couldn't- I can never throw up, even when I want to- so I ended up just going to bed shaking. And I'm going into London to visit this university thingy with her, instead of seeing my friends which I really, really need to right now. I hate it, I hate this, I hate myself, I hate everything. Argh.

On the plus side, and most importantly for this blog, I'm doing really well! I would have done even better if I hadn't given in to eating all that cereal, but still!

Here's a list of what I ate:

1/3 cup porrige (100)
1 serving blueberries (80)
1 serving mangoes (60)
1 salted egg (100)
1 serving soup (52)
1 chocolate rice crispy thing (50)
2 dark chocolates (100)
1 serving cereal (120)
1 bite choc muffin (20)
few bites PBJ (50)
1 bowl soup + noodles (135)
1 plum (30)

And I burnt 200 or 300 at the gym, either one but am going to say 200 just in case. So, all in all....about 700 calories! May sound like absolutely loads to some of you, but it's definitely better for me. And I'm going to cut out the cereal, and all the junk tomorrow. All the sweets I mentioned are not usual; it was someone's birthday and as a rule, I tend to let myself eat then because it's not part of my schedule. So I'm pleased! I definitely have to restrict tomorrow, too, because I know that I won't have enough time to work out. So I'll let myself feel the pain and feel good about it, too.

More problems, though: my friends saw my food journal and freaked out, and they found out that I didn't eat my PBJ today for lunch either. So they are worried. And S might tell B. I sort of want him to, so he can say to me that I have to stop, that he's worried about me. So I know he cares about me. But I don't want him to worry about me, because I don't want him to not be happy. But I do, because then I know he cares about me, but I know it's selfish. I'm so confused. Ugh. That's pathetic, I know. I'm pathetic. I just hate myself so much I want to hurt myself. So I hurt my body. I love the feeling of going up to the vending machine and buying myself a tiny little cup of soup, 52 cals, and knowing that people would be appalled because it makes me feel disciplined. But I hate it, too. What I want is to hide all my problems so no one realizes. And then I can put on a happy front again and be happy. But I know they are already worried about me, and B is worried about me because he is worried I'm unhappy, that my family is stressing me out, and any fears that my/his friends (we share the same circle) tell him. Argh. This is too hard. I can't lie to him. I can't not lie to him. I can't talk to him. I can't not talk to him. My ED is the only thing I feel good about in my life, but it's causing me issues. But I can't let it go, because I love it. I just need to hide it, but I can't. It's almost as if I can't help hinting about it around people, so I know they'll be worried. I want them to notice, but hate it when they do. I think what I want is for them to notice a little bit, but not get properly worried. Argh. I just need someone supportive to read my post and tell me what to do. My issues are getting waaay out of whack.

Anyway, more positively, a tip for anyone with cravings! Make an ana bracelet- not only will it help identify you to others, but it will help with hunger. It will help remind you when you are about to eat not to, and also it helps if you have put some accessories on it. I added some butterflies on mine. It makes it more pretty and therefore more like a 'fashion accessory', but it also helps when you are hungry. This is because you can always grab it when you get a craving. My butterflies are actually quite sharp, so the edges dig into my skin. It is painful, but in a good way, and it helps distract you and reminds you what you are working for. And it is definitely less obvious than carrying around a thinspo picture with you as well ;)

Stay strong, starve on to anyone who's reading...be stronger than me. Be a better person than me. You can do it. Remember, anything is possible...

23/9/08

Although today wasn't much better than usual, my outlook is so completely more positive. Today I had breakfast, a tiny little bit less than usual, and then at break I had a miniscule cup of soup which is 52 calories. I had my normal lunch plus the same soup, and then I exercised at the gym for 45 minutes. After that I had a serving of cereal which outdid what I did at the gym, went home and had a big dinner consisting of a bowl of white rice and three medium sized spicy meatballs. I know, it doesn't sound good in any way at all, but I'm feeling so positive about this that I just know it will get better. I'm so glad I've found that soup. I'll just start eating it every day for lunch, and will just chew gum in the meantime to stop me feeling so very hungry. I want to start slow at first, start exercising, eat normally, then restrict just a little bit at a time until finally my 'normal' is really, really cut down. Hopefully by that time I'll have lost weight, and then I'll just see what to do from there. I'm going to start going to the gym every day, and will cut out my lunch too. However, there are some problems:

• I am very poor. Soup costs 50p each which sounds like nothing, but really for me it is quite expensive a day
• My mom makes me lunch every day. It'll make me feel bad to waste her food
• I don't know how to start restricting breakfast and dinner; my family is very observant and will definitely notice me not eating as much
• My friends are very, very, very observant and already are worried and alerted about me
• I'm quite new to this and am not sure what to do; I think my plan is alright, but is there anything that could make it easier or more effective?

I already felt that feeling of sweet, sweet emptiness at break when I had my soup, and after the gym when I had a snack but knew I had the power to keep my stomach empty...oh, how it made me smile, knowing that I have the choice whether or not to put that food in my mouth! And how it made me laugh to walk past the Digestives when I was hungry! (normally I'm addicted to Digestives and eat like, 10 of them at a time) I know it doesn't sound like I did very well today, but I feel good and have the mentality and discipline. I don't want to completely plummet, because I'm worried it will affect my metabolism (I don't know if that's a myth or not) and, more importantly, I am worried my family and friends will noticed and make me eat and ruin my plans.

Here is what used to be my daily schedule:

1. wake up at 6.30, brush teeth, maybe drink a glass of water and stretch
2. go downstairs, eat a bowl of porridge made from 1/3 cup wheatbran and 2 servings of fruit
3. go to the bus, go to school, classes etc
4. break is at 11.15-11.35, may eat something, may not. Have been eating about 250 cals worth of dark chocolate though, but that is easy to cut out
5. classes again until 12.40-1.45 which is lunch, where I normally eat a peanut butter and jam/jelly depending on whether or not you're British with 2 pieces altogether of toast (calorically dense, I know)
6. school ends, get back on the bus to go home, tend to graze (a lot) and then have dinner which is usually healthy and relatively small; one bowl of white rice + whatever is being served
7. may graze again before going to sleep

I know I can cut out everything at school, but I don't want to waste those sandwiches and I don't think there's any way around them. I could ask her to make me a different lunch, but she gets suspicious and I can't make my own lunch because then she'll definitely suspect and won't let me. What I want to do is go to school, chew gum all day, eat a piece of fruit or something at break and the soup at lunch and then go to the gym. I know that as I go along, I'll be able to restrict that. However, I think my main problem is at breakfast and dinner, especially dinner. I don't really know how to stop eating like I normally do, because my family will notice.

Any tips or advice would be much appreciated! :)

22/9/08

I just though I'd record that today at 6.25pm I put on the red bracelet.

I have now officially started my new life.

I have been...so tired...of living like this. Every day is a struggle, every day is painful because I try and try and always fail. Every day is a constant battle, and I've decided that I just won't live like this anymore.

Putting on this bracelet is a symbol of my commitment.

I'm starting slow at first, but I'll get there soon. I already have tasted- maybe not the best choice of words, but the only ones I can think of- some of that beautiful life, after I'm done exercising or not eating. That feeling of emptying your body and becoming pure again...that feeling of knowing you're resisting temptation for the better....and becoming a better, higher, elevated person as a result. Knowing that no matter what happens in your life, you have control over this, and that control makes you beautiful.

This brings me to my second choice...I'm thinking about cutting off any sort of relationship with B, which basically means no contact at all. Even as I'm writing this, I'm feeling the urge to just stop and erase it all, but I know I can't. Because I really, really care about him, so much, and I know that if he knew what I was doing now that he would be so worried about me, and so hurt. And that's the worst sort of pain that someone can feel, the pain of knowing someone is doing something wrong, and the bewilderment and sense of helplessness of knowing there is nothing you can do to stop them while you watch it progress. The pain of ignorance, and I don't want to hurt him, ever, because he means so much to me. Yesterday I was talking to him, and I asked him if he thought that omitting the truth was the same as lying to someone and he said yes. I asked him if he would be hurt if I lied to him and he said, yes, very. I asked him if he thought and worried about me a lot, and he said yes, and that he worries about me being happy. Which makes me so terribly, terribly sad because I know that he's telling me the truth, and I can't bring myself to omit the truth from him because he considers it lying and I can never, never lie to him, yet I can't bring myself to tell him either because I know it will hurt him, and therefore me, because he'll be so worried.

So I guess the only way is to cut off contact. Maybe I'll be able to do it, maybe I won't. Well...I say maybe, but I don't want him to stop thinking about me, or caring about me, but I think I also have too little faith in him. I guess it's selfish of me. Part of me wants to admit everything, because I know he's the only person who can really 'help' me, but I don't want his help at the same time because it's not really help. I want his support without telling him why, even though I know that's impossible because I know that if I talk to him, I'll feel so bad about what he considers lying to him that I'll have to admit it, which will therefore result in him worrying like crazy about me and telling all of his/my friends to look after me, making it into a bigger deal than it really is and me getting pushed back into the vicious battle. It may also result in my parents finding out, who will definitely, definitely not understand and will just think I'm another pathetic teenage angst-y girl, and it may also result in my college finding out which will also affect my future. That is, in the worst case scenario. So either way, it's too big a risk. I have to find the strength to do this. In my opinion, Ana is all about the strength of the mind (discipline, self-control, willpower, strength) over strength of the body (urges, fatigue, hunger, pain), so this will be my first big break.

I want to do this. I want to be that skinny girl who can control herself, even when she can't control her life. This is not about weight loss, this is about purity, this is about discipline. Which is why his 'help' is useless, except for making me feel better because I know someone out there really, really cares about me.

I put on the bracelet, today. I have to make the first break, and everything afterward will be unimportant comparatively afterward. Physical pain is nothing compared to emotional pain.

I put on the bracelet. My life starts, today.

20/9/08

I feel so sick with myself. I am too undisciplined. Nothing, nothing ever works with me. I used to be so good. I used to be able to eat without binging. I used to like knowing that I was eating smaller and smaller portions, I used to like knowing that I could expect one of my favourite meals a week away, because it gave me something to look forward too. But now I just can't. When I'm hungry, I'll eat. When I'm full, I'll eat more. When there's food around, I'll eat it, even if I find it disgusting. For instance, today. Today was just a huge mess. I had originally been planning only to eat dinner. This plan failed when I went downstairs, craved some peanut butter and dipped my finger- yes, dipped my finger- into the jar to get some. It filled me up pretty well, all 180 calories of it, and I thought that would be it until dinner. But no, my mom comes downstairs and tells me to eat some toast. No way out of it, I thought, so I had some toast PLUS jam and MORE peanut butter! So, probably more calories than my normal breakfast, and more unhealthy. Still, feeling alright, so I go into town after drinking lots of coffee to suppress my appetite. Go into town, meet my friend, have about 150 cals worth of raisins, but still feeling alright. Then we go to Costa and I have a few bites of chocolate cake, and also finish off his frescato as well as my coffee and milk and sugar. But, I think, it's only a little bit so I'm still feeling alright. I walked all day, suppressed my appetite relatively well, and wasn't planning on eating when I got home. I walked home, maybe 2-3 miles, feeling good. Walked in the door, changed, went downstairs.

And that's where it went really wrong.

As soon as I got downstairs, I couldn't resist one teensy weensy little digestive worth 120 calories. Then we had dinner, albeit a healthy one, of pasta, olive oil, anchovies, broccoli and red peppers. Had a modest serving, about half a plateful. Then went back to get more broccoli. Feeling more full. Then went back again to get another half a plateful. I'm stuffed now, so I finally stop. Then, I can't resist another digestive. That's 240 calories of digestives. I know I'm being a pig, an utter pig, so I break it into little bits and stuff it into my mouth. And then- this is the worst bit, as if it isn't bad enough- I'm bored so I make cinnamon bread. Cinnamon bread, just loaded with sugar, milk, eggs and all the shit that makes you fatter and fatter and fatter. So I'm stirring the batter, and I can't resist a little taste. I put too much sugar in, but I don't care. And then suddenly I'm binging, scooping spoonfuls of the stuff into my mouth, knowing that I'm appalling and fat but I can't stop. Finally I do, after about FIVE HUGE SPOONFULS of the stuff, so I put it in the oven. Then, when I take it out, the bottom comes off when I take the fucking bread out of the pan. By now I know my plan's been ruined, and I fucked my whole day up, so I think that I may as well finish it badly. I scrap off the stuff that was stuck to the bottom and eat it. It's disgusting, burnt yet sweet, not a good mix but I keep on eating and eating it. And it's crumbly, so all the little bits keep coming off, but I just pick them up again and eat it until all is gone. And then I come on here and nearly cry because I fucked up and I'm fucked up and everything just fucked up for me because I am soooo undisciplined.

*sob*

19/9/08

I'm so fat I disgust myself :( I have to do my homework now. I'll vent later.