8/10/08

=1372

Don't even want to list it.

It's not a binge.

Yesterday, my friend D noticed me writing in my food diary and saw the amount of calories I had eaten the day before (900 and something) and told S because he was worried.

So S had a long discussion about it with me, and I ended up spilling a lot of guts out.

I feel so, so shit.

S was so worried he was almost crying.

I asked him how worried he was

and he said, 'if me, or B, or D was ill, and you didn't know what the worst possible outcome was and how bad it was going to get, tell me how worried you'd be.'

He wants me to get help.

I don't need help. If I'm going to recover, I'll recover on my own.

Sometimes I look back and think what people have said, and I think to myself, 'you're such an attention seeker, pretending to be this way.' And then I think...'wait...this isn't attention seeking. You ARE this way, because if you were attention seeking you'd have satisfied your need and would stop. You actually ARE anorexic.'

It's almost like I'm in denial. I keep on thinking to myself, 'no, you're really not...there's no way.'

But I am. I really am. I am anorexic.

When I see the words written down, I can't believe it.

I can't believe I'm anorexic.

People keep on telling me, 'you need help, this is serious' and I keep on laughing it off because I think, 'ridiculous, I can't possibly need help. That's for serious cases.'

Maybe I am a serious case. Maybe S is right. Maybe it'll go too far and I won'd be able to stop it.

I still refuse to get help. Even if I need help, I can do it myself.

I can't believe I am. But this is why I think I am:

• I think about this ALL THE TIME
• My friends are worried sick about me, but I won't stop
• I nearly stopped the most important relationship in my life for this
• I'm purging, even though I know it is incredibly unhealthy for me
• When I eat too much, my mood spirals down to rock bottom
• My happiness is dependant on how little I eat
• I'm considering taking pills to lose weight
• I took some ana tests (online) and I scored between 90-100% positive
• I'm starting to binge and purge a little, but a little goes a looooong way
• When I eat, all I can think about is calories
• I have a diary of what I eat

I think I am anorexic. I always thought, 'no, it can't be that serious.' But I think it is serious. I keep on telling myself, 'if you want to, you can stop.' But when put with that decision, it kills me. For example, I asked S if he didn't want me to go to the gym and he said, 'yes, I'd prefer if you didn't go. Are you okay about that?' I said yes automatically, but then when I thought about it I felt like absolutely shit.

Maybe I'm not okay. Maybe this really is a problem.

Most of the time I don't consider myself to be thin enough, or disciplined enough, to be ana. But maybe I really am.

I'm at an impossible crossroad right now. My friends are worried sick about me. I am purging a lot. If I stopped acting this way, them maybe I would be happier, and certainly my friends would be. Everyone is so, so worried about me. D is angry with me.

Fuck. Fuck. I'll stop. I can't take this any more.

7/10/08

=577 CALORIES, BABY!

And restricting even more tomorrow :)

Gained

Breakfast- 1/3 scoop oatmeal (100) + 1 serving mangoes (60)
Lunch- 2 green apples (64) + 1 cereal bar (140)
Dinner- 1 serving fish curry (372) + 1 serving rice (160)
Snacks- 2 slices ham + 3 slices cheese (40) + 7 jalepenos + red peppers + 1/2 fuji apple (40)

Burnt

15 min treadmill (-150)
Purged dinner (-45% = -239)

Oh, score! Tomorrow, I am planning on taking out ALL my snacks and the cereal bar. This should leave a total of:

Breakfast= 160
Lunch= 64
Dinner= >600

=824 without exercising and purging.

So, WITH exercise, that should equal at least:

824 - 150=674

And if I restrict breakfast and dinner:

674 - 50 - 100 = 524.

HELL YES!

I'm trying not to purge anymore. I know it's horribly unhealthy and I don't want to do it. Here is my motive:

I only purge when I eat too much.
Purging is unhealthy.
If I don't want to purge, I shouldn't eat as much.
Sorted.

Perfect motive :)

Tomorrow I'm going to buy some caffeine pills, and I'm also going to carry around some Tums with me. Yaaay.

I can do this. I am doing this. I will do this. Every day it gets better.

One problem I have: when I get hungry, I always go and eat peanut butter. Only a little at a time, but it adds up. What can I do to stop this? I know that I don't have the willpower to not. Is there any food that I can binge on that isn't fattening but tastes just as good? Anybody have any good binge food?

I'm thinking maybe raisins, or cereal? Or something of the sort.

Also, this makes me happy: 10 calorie hot chocolate that is HEALTHY for you. Yes, that's right. Okay, so it may not taste like the great, 300 calorie ones filled with cream and chocolate, but it's a good substitute and is great to drink around other people because they don't know it's actually only 10 calories instead of 500.

1 tsp of pure cocoa powder + water = hot chocolate!

Cocoa powder is full of caffeine, which helps you lose weight, and it is also surprisingly filling because it's not just water, it's water with another substance. So it keeps you pretty full.

Actually, maybe that would make a good binge food...

I haven't tried yet, but I assume that if you add some other tasty things it will be just as good as the fattening stuff. Right now it's quite bitter, but if you added some splenda, maybe a little milk, cinnamon? It might be good. And not very fattening either. Grrreat.

Also, another really great thing when you're binging: if you're a spicy food fan, add peppers to EVERYTHING! They increase your metabolism, so you don't have to feel as guilty about eating when you do binge. It's great. Today I had some slices of ham and cheese, but I added tons of peppers to it so hopefully my metabolism spiked just as I ate!

I'm so pleased with myself. I feel so happy. The only problem is, I feel full. This freaks me out. When I'm full, I just assume I ate too much.

I have to stop eating so much at home, but I can't- food is my distraction, and it is readily available.

And after I purge, I get hungry.

Hmmm...what should I do...?

PS, in response to Jane:

Thanks for your support! It really helps knowing there are people out there reading this blog, it definitely makes me more determined. Although I don't have a scale, I do think I have lost some weight...before, around my stomach I was getting a little bit pudgy. Now, however, I think I'm a little bit more toned! Before when I ate, my stomach used to go a tiny little bit outwards from the bottom of my ribcage. Now, my stomach goes a little bit inwards, and when I walk sometimes I can feel my bottom ribs poke out!

It makes me happy :) Now I just need to lose some weight on my legs...seriously, I have THUNDER THIGHS. My mom and brother tease me about my treestumpish legs. But I will do it, and I will soon achieve the beautiful twig-thin legs I have always wanted.

Just keep posting, guys, you give me determination!

Tomorrow, I'm going to try to reduced to >550. Yeah!

Starve on.

6/10/08

Am doing pretty good! Here's what I ate today:

Breakfast- 1/3 cup porridge (100) + 1 serving mangoes (60)
Lunch- 1 medium sized green apple (32) + 1/4 PBJ (70)
Dinner- 1 large serving spaghettit + redsauce + 1 sausage (692)

=954

HOLY SHIT.

NO WAY.

I didn't know spaghetti had SO MANY FUCKING CALORIES.

That just FUCKING RUINED my day.

I just looked up the number of calories just to be sure.

I estimated about 250.

WAAAAAAAY OFF.

FUCK.

Well, that'll teach me to be a fat fucking pig! When I got that massive plate, I thought, hmm, I could eat half of that and be very full. I looked at my bracelet and thought, 'This could make my day.' When I ate about a quarter I thought, 'hmm, I could stop now and be pleased with myself.' But NO! I had to eat the whole fucking thing. And I didn't even PURGE.

FUCK.

In other news, my day went pretty well! At school I'm actually pretty happy. My friends keep me afloat and I adore them (even though they have NO CLUE about my eating habits. They think I'm a health nut, but I can safely smile and say, 'No, just trying to be healthy!' and they don't question it. Except Lara, when I threw away my sandwich. 'You don't eat anything at all!' 'I do, I'm eating this apple.' 'But that's so little.' 'No, you get used to it.' '...but why would you want to get used to it?' BECAUSE I WANT TO BE THIN! But that's been it so far.) I also ran into B today! Nothing much happened. He was nice. He didn't seem worried about me, though. He seemed just...normal. Like there was nothing. But I don't think it matters. I'm seeing him and some friends on Friday to celebrate our friend's birthday at Pizza Hut. UGH. How sickening it's going to be. Pizza= oil + fat. Disgusting. I guess I'll see him there!

Success: My mom is going to stop making me lunch because I told her I'm going to start buying soup at the cafe for 50p. It's true, there's soup there, and it's 50p, but it's in a tiny little cup and is only 52 calories. That's my snack, if I really need it. She ranted at me for a while about how I'm wasting my money and need to get a job, but she's letting me.

YES. NO MORE CRAVINGS. NO MORE GIVING UP AND EATING THE ENTRE PBJ.

Woah, I looked up the no. of calories and it's 380. Holy fuck me shitless. That's a hell of a lot more than I thought.

380-32=348 cals saved.

SCORE!

And at breakfast, I'm going to start eating less too. I don't need to finish the entire bowl, it's unneccessary. And at dinner, I definitely don't have to finish everything. Also, I'm going to start carrying around Tums with me, as well as caffeine pills and gum. Yay.

I love not eating. When I'm full, I feel frightened and guilty, and I worry that I'm counting my calories wrong (which, evidently, I have been. Shit.) So now I just like feeling empty. I know I can survive eating very little. I just need to be able to do this.

And I can do this. I will do this.

Thanks for the support, guys, I really need it right now and I love getting comments. It gives me determination.

Starve on.

5/10/08

Today I purged twice, once soon after breakfast and the other a little while after dinner. Ugh. I have school tomorrow...not that I don't enjoy it, but every day the stress weighs on me a little more.

I am very unhappy. I am very lonely. I am very stressed. I am very overwhelmed. I feel very despairing right now. My body is cold. Inside I am colder. I am worried. And unhappy.

In terms of eating, today was great! This morning I had an apple (32 cals), one tortilla with lean pork and veggies and cheese (230, -46, or 20%, for purging) and 1 bowl of cereal. (I'm saying 400, but it's really more like 200, -40 for purging) 576 in total, and I think I could take about 100 off that anyway because I counted the cereal wrong. Also, it's freezing, using up lots of calories too! Hooray!

I love the feeling of being thin...when I was walking around today, I could feel the bottom of my ribcage, which is not normal. And when I ate my dinner, I thought that it was going to be delicious because I was hungry, but it turns out it wasn't! And it made me feel bloated and ill. Starving really does get easier the more you do. And I know why too- because you feel numb. When I didn't eat this morning I didn't feel much, like I was walking around in a bubble, but when I ate that apple, boy did I realize how hungry I was! So now I know what it's going to be like, and it's alright. So that's what I'm going to start doing. I know I have the willpower...now I just need to put it into action.

What I'm worried about is my purging, though. I know it's unhealthy. I know that it seriously fucks up your insides. I know that it's not even very effective. So I don't know why I do it. It's getting easier to do, and now every time I see a toilet I feel the need to throw up...that combined with the urge after dinner means that I've started doing it regularly. My throat already hurts a little, and it is absolutely disgusting to stick your fingers down your throat, but I just do it anyway...

I'm so messed up right now. I'm so worried about myself. And I'm so unhappy. There's no stability in my life, and it just keeps getting harder...the stress and the despair and misery is driving me crazy.

At least at school I don't have to worry about it so much, and I'm surrounded by friends which makes it easier, but I just can't tell anyone...it's too hard to. And the workload gets harder and harder...

I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow. And I'm not going to eat very much. Maybe my mind will start to feel numb, too...

5/10/08

Purged twice today. Once after breakfast, once after I binged on a bowl of cereal. My throat is a little raw now, and it makes me feel sick when I do it, and guilty, but it makes me feel better afterward. Didn't restrict much. Will tomorrow.

I feel horrible, and guilty, and pained, and sad, and very, very overwhelmed. I have so much work to do. I went out today with some of my new friends which was a nice break. Normally I don't think I would because I simply don't have the time, but I felt sort of obligated to because they're new friends so you have to go through the process of socializing, getting to know them, etc. So, although it was fun, it was definitely a waste of time. I have so much work to do. I am so stressed. I am behind in all my classes. I want to get all As. I feel sick. I am worried. I shouldn't be purging, but my god, it feels good. I shouldn't be restricting and worrying, but I can't help it. I'm stressed about school but I can't see that going away anytime soon. My parents think I'm lazy, and they think I spend too much time on Facebook- ha! If only they knew, I go on the computer to look at...well, all this stuff, really. God, I am so stressed. God, I am so sick. But I can't stop.

The funny thing is, before, I used to scorn anorexics and bulimics. I used to think, 'oh, how selfish of them, and how attention-seeking, to make such a big deal about food when there are people out there who would appreciate this so much.' And now, suddenly, I am one. And I completely understand. And I hate it and love it. And I can't help myself.

I'm so stressed right now. So, so stressed. I feel completely overwhelmed. I am extremely emotional and, although I am not having the mood swings I used to, at school I am content until I get stressed (which is often) and at home I am in a constant worried, overwhelmed state of misery.

I feel pathetic writing this blog. My problem's aren't even problems. It makes me feel ridiculous. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

I wish that everything would just go away and I could be happy again. I used to be so happy.

I wish I could stop worrying about food. I wish I could stop worrying about my health. I wish I could stop worrying about schoolwork. I wish I could stop worrying about B. I wish, I wish, I wish...but nothing ever comes true.

I don't think I'll ever lose the amount of weight I want to lose.

I don't think he even wants to talk to me anymore.

I don't think I'll ever get better in school.

I don't think I'll ever make anyone proud of me.

I don't think I'll recover.

I don't think it's going to get any easier.

I don't think the pain is going to go away.

I don't have anyone to talk to, except for B mainly and S a little, but neither understand how I feel and I don't want to bother them because B will get annoyed, and S just doesn't get it.

I feel like a little whiny, angsty middle class teenage wannarexic writing this.

But I know it's so much more than that.

I know a lot of people complain about wannarexics fasting for a day or two and then stopping (in other words, crash dieting) and whining about how the boy they like doesn't like them.

I just wanted to clear this up in case anyone thinks that: I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

I wish I could just be happy again. I wish I could just be happy with my weight and eat what I wanted and not worry.

It seems like the obvious solution, but that is so impossible for me that I have to come up solutions that end up hurting me and the ones I carry about. (like me cutting off any contact with B)

My emotions are just so splayed here...anything that comes into my head I write, so I'm sure it doesn't make any sense at all.

One moment I am so acutely unhappy I just want to cry.

Another moment I am feeling normal, even happy, until I remember again...

One moment I feel so stressed with school that I just want to sit by myself and sleep to forget about it.

Another moment I'm thinking I'm doing well in school, and am feeling pleased with myself and bright and capable.

One moment I don't care, I just want to get on with my life and be happy.

Another moment I care so much, and am just so unhappy because he's the one stable person in my life who actually cares and has always cared.

One moment I think that I need to stop, that this is serious, that I am spending too much time thinking and worrying and that I do have anorexia, maybe even verging onto bulimia now, and that this is a serious problem.

Another moment I'm thinking, do I really have a disorder? Or is this just attention seeking, or maybe even just normal behaviour?

I'm confused. I don't know. And I'm worried. And stressed. And overwhelmed. And emotional.

I keep on listening to Oasis. Their songs are so touching right now, I feel like I want to cry whenever I hear them:

Wonderwall, Oasis

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I
Would like to say to you

But I don't know how
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me

I need a wonderwall. But the only person who can do this is myself. Lonely me, friendly on the outside, happy on the outside, with the lots of friends on the outside, but cold and empty on the inside with lots of problems with no one who can help me fight me.

3/10/08

I am having...such a hard time dealing with everything right now.

I feel sick. I am just obssessed with posting here. Every day I feel sick to my stomach, sick to my heart, until I can finally get on the computer and post all my emotions and read all my blogs and surf all my sites.

I hate this. I feel obligated to post and it makes me feel sick, but when I don't I just feel worse. Argh. I wish I could fix this...but I can't.

Today I purged. I've only purged once in my life before, but today I purged twice. The second time was a failure, but that doesn't mean that I didn't stick my fingers don't my throat and gagged up acid. Just because I didn't throw up food doesn't mean that I knelt over the toilet and felt my fingernails scratch the back of my throat, just because nothing came up doesn't mean I did something that I promised only a few days ago that I would never do.

I. am. such. a. failure. And I cannot stop.

Right now...right now, I am binging. In between writing, I am binging. I am fat. FAT FAT FAT. I cannot, I cannot fix this. It is driving me insane. I am so stressed right now. School is hard. My work is impossible. I am going out tomorrow with some friends, but I know I will feel bad about not revising. I am just glad it's the weekend. Because, even though I love, love, love school, there are moments when I feel like I just want to curl up and cry because my stress and pain is suddenly so acute. This feeling becomes normal when I am at home, and I get so stressed out I binge and binge until I could just die.

I am worried about everything. I feel like I am out of control with my life and it is just moving to fast for me and that I have no real strong pillar to help me through this. I know B is there for me, but I have just had confirmation that he liked/s this other girl at his school, which is what I suspected. I get the feeling that I know how he feels; you can be attracted to someone else while still really loving the other person, but it still hurts. I just feel so pathetic. I am a pathetic, worthless, fat, ugly person and I feel sickened just thinking about myself. Argh.

I know what is causing me this stress. I know that this is a problem, that I am obsessing over it waaaay too much, and I know that it is causing me hardship and pain. But I just. cannot. stop. Even with support, even with help from my friends, from B, I just cannot stop. It's like I want to hurt myself. It feels like I want to hurt myself. I hurt myself with this; I hurt my body by fluctuating what I eat by bingeing and restricting (no, I am not a yo-yo dieter), I hurt my body by exercising too much, I hurt my mind by thinking about this too much, by thinking about school too much, by thinking about B too much. God, I am such a disappointment. God, I am a wreck.

I can make more of an effort. When there is food out, I don't have to eat it. I can hide my eating habits from my friends, I can follow my plans and I can do better. And I will. Because right now, this is my salvation. I am dedicated to being skinny. My stress is overbearing, and I may not be able to control what happens in my life, but this is something I can and will control.

I am a fat, pathetic, slovenly, worthless, ugly person and I cannot do anything about this except continue, because even though this is a cause this is also my life, and I cannot change it, even though I promised him. Even though it is making me unhappy. Even though it is making everyone worried about me.

It sounds like a paradox, right? This life is causing me pain, so I get more dedicated to it? I don't understand it either. I just know that right now, I have to continue, because I cannot stop. And while it hurts and confuses me, I can't do anything else right now. Because if I try to 'recover', I will feel worse and fail.

I'll just continue, and starve on.

2/10/08

Right.

I am officially torn.

I cannot decide.

And it's driving me insane.

It's weird...

now that I'm supposed to be 'recovering', I notice food a lot more. And worse, I feel like I have the right to eat it.

When I eat it, I feel sick. And I feel disgusting, and slovenly. It makes me feel out of control, which I am, because I'm eating. And when I eat, I eat a lot. Which is why I have been binging out of control for the last 2 days.

God, I hate myself.

If this is supposed to be making me feel better, it's not working. At all.

I can't give up this lifestyle. This lifestyle is my life.

I know the routine...I binged, so now I'm going to completely restrict for a long, long time. Every now and then I just go crazy, and then I stop myself again. But now, I feel like I should be going crazy eating, because that's supposed to make me 'better.'

What is better, anyway? Eating normally? Or losing the mindset?

What people don't understand is that anorexia is not just about not eating. Anorexia is a mindset. Anorexia is a lifestyle. It's not just about eating more, not counting calories, etc. It's about losing the mindset. And it's hard to lose the mindset. It's impossible. Even though I'm eating more, I would still consider myself anorexic because I am so obssessive about it. Most of my day is consumed with thinking about it. Every day, in my spare time I think about food, about going to exercise, mentally adding up my approximate calorie count for the day, how much I burnt, what I should eat, tricks to make me not hungry, eyeing up girls to see if they are ana, tricks for not making people notice, if what I am doing is wrong, if I should give it up and be 'healthy' or stay like this and keep going.

I don't know. I can't 'recover.' I may eat more, but it's not just about curing my weight, it's about curing my mind. Which is impossible.

Arrrrrrrrgh.

I feel like I am going to cry.

Everything is so stressful. I hate this.

School is hard...the work is insane. I can't keep up. Today I got 60% on my test. FUCKING 60%! That is the LOWEST I have ever gotten! And I want to get an A in that class! What the fuck is wrong with me?

Home life is hard...my parents keep on yelling at me to try harder, so I can get into the best universities. And they just yell and yell and yell...not only about that, but everything.

And my mom keeps on telling me how pathetic I am, about everything, and God knows that she can aim! She always picks at my weak spots, and it just kills me.

And B wants me to get better. Did I ever explain about that? I guess I didn't. I'll explain now.

Friday night: we're talking, and I'm at a complete crossroad.

If I go left, I'll recover, stop thinking about it, start eating more and continue a 'normal' life as if it never happened. I'm thinking that I can't bear to let him know I'm ana, because I don't want him to be disgusted by me, or ashamed of me, or disappointed in me, and to stop loving me. B has a very high opinion of me. He's the only one who has been there for me. By letting him know I'm ana, I thought I would stop that.

If I go right, I continue- this is the point where I know that I can either go full-blown or get better. Everything is urging me to go left, but I am just yearning and yearning to go right. I can't give this up- it is my lifestyle, it is my life. It is the only thing I completely control. Even if my life just crumbles, I lose all my friends and all those I love, even when I am stressed beyond my mind, I can still choose what to put in my mouth. And I love that.

So, I decided to go right. I tell B that I don't think we should talk anymore. And then it comes true, he says fine, good luck, goodbye and blocks me. He's incredibly hurt, shocked and is absolutely furious. So suddenly I realize that I'm actually doing this horrible thing to the one person I love, who has always been there for me, and we're parting on such bad terms that I can't bear to do it anymore (crazy, I know, I'm insane) and then I have to persuade him to unblock me so we can sort it out, even though I don't know what to say or what to do, because I'm still at these crossroads (this is how I ended up telling S btw) and then finally he lets me talk to him, and I try to explain as much as I can without saying I am ana because I still can't bear to say it. And he, of course, doesn't understand that I didn't want to make him worry, or hurt him, or have him be disgusted or appalled by me because I haven't told him, so we part on bad terms.

The next day, we're talking again, and this time it's in a bit more detail because he was so angry the night before, and I'm telling him that there are some things that I don't want him to deal with. And then he brings up how his/my friends at school have told him that they are worried about me. Because I am so, so obsessed. And this is when I know I have to tell him. So, to make a long story short, he tells me to promise that I will try to beat this (and I did) and that he will try to help me. And he is not disappointed with me, is not disgusted with me, and he still loves me and cares about me. But he wants me to beat this.

So, that is what happened. And I am still here, thinking FUCK because I can't beat this. This is my life, and I cannot. I think about it all the time. I think about it when I am eating, and swallowing my food, knowing that I am disgusting and can practically feel it condensing into fat around my waist, around my thighs, around my bum until I am just a big fat disgusting slob. Yesterday when I was in the bath, I looked down and felt the fat under my neck turn into a double chin. When I walk, sometimes my inner thighs brush against each other. When I sit down, sometimes my stomach spills over my jeans in little rolls.

I am 5 ft 2, and 110 pounds. I should be 90. That is my GW. People tell me I am skinny all the time, but I am not. I am FAT.

How can I recover with this mentality?