25/9/09

I did alright up until dinner, and then I ate more cookie dough. I love baking, love food, but hate gaining weight. So it's a bit of a problem.

I feel fat right now. Really, really fat. You know when there's that stage where you can gain a little weight, gain a little weight and you still look alright, but then you gain a little more weight and you've passed that stage of 'I look normal' to 'I look a little bit, almost imperceptibly chubby, but I've hit the line where I can't gain any more weight.' Well, I've reached that line and I need to lose weight. Most people would disagree. But I'm 5 ft 2 and 110 pounds, and that is way, way too big. Today is the last day of my period excuse. I'm about to go dance, and then when I get upstairs I'm going to work out like normal. I can feel the fat on me. I need to lose it. I need to stop being disgusting and I will do it.

21/1/09

Has anyone else noticed MAJOR bingeing during their period? Cuz I have been eating NON-STOP and I feel fucking disgusting. And I mean seriously non-stop. I just was making 'low fat' chocolate cupcakes, and I just binged on the dough. And then I purged, and realized how much I ate. And that's only a teensy weensy little bit of what I've eaten today. UGH UGH UGH!!!

Thankfully, my periods only last 1-3 days, so should be fine. Need to get my weight down before I see my grandparents. I'm trying to take 2 tsps of apple vinegar before every meal and I've started dancing every night for half an hour. I also purge occasionally, which, although I know is TERRIBLE for my health, addictive and it does make me feel a lot better afterwards mentally. I also try to do it in the least damaging way to my health as possible. And next Thursday I'm going to a wall-climbing class, so once I'm certified I'll be able to go on the weekends too.

Even though I've been eating A LOT during the last few days, it's my period so even though I know it's not really an excuse, it makes me feel better a little. Hopefully I'll get back into my routine of eating well and exercising pretty quickly and I'll feel healthy and a little bit slimmer than before.

...but even so, right now I sort of feel like I want to die because I'm so fat.

12/1/09

I am a fucking fatass and I hate myself.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I've barely been doing anything recently. Seriously, what do I waste my time on? I revise but I don't get smarter. I allow myself to eat anything I want with barely a second thought. I feel shitty. Seriously!?

I don't think I've been putting things into perspective. Recently, life seems like a blur, and my time just gets wasted on little inconsequential things like...MY COMPUTER.

I promise myself tomorrow will be a 'new start' but it's not. Before I was feeling a little svelter, but now I'm just back to being sort of blobby. My muscles don't feel strong. I feel unhealthy. The food I eat is fat peoples' food. Like cookies. Ugh.

Maybe I should start posting more often. It'll motivate me more. Just recently I haven't been feeling the motivation for...anything.

I disgust myself beyond belief.

Not to mention that I've been purging after dinner. Which, I know is bad, but I'm prone to it and I can't think of another way to stop eating in front of my family. And I'm getting addicted to it. It makes me feel so empty, but it also makes me hypersensitive to what I eat. Everything I eat seems so wrong. I know you need to eat to function, but still...every bite I take makes me feel like a failure.

I'm going to try staying after school with my friend for a few hours to revise. Straight revision, no computer. And bring a sandwich as my dinner. I'm going to try that tomorrow and see how it goes. And then maybe I'll get into the theme of things again.

4/1/09

I danced today again for 15min and it was so much fun, except I accidentally hit myself on the head with one of my weights. Didn't hurt too much, actually.

Am about to go do my exercise routine. I already feel a bit more toned!

And I'm eating a lot healthier. I didn't realize how many hidden calories there are in some of my favourite foods, so I'm around 1200-1400 right now. (yes, I know, so much! But already I've cut it by about 100 in the last week, so I'm just going to keep going lower, and school's starting tomorrow so that'll stop me from munching) I've also started eating Tums in the evening because they control my appetite. I've stopped eating after 6, so I think that should help me too.

I just went through all of your blogs because I haven't checked them in a while. I just wanted to say I think you're all amazing and beautiful and lovely.

3/1/08

It's the start of a New Year again.

2008 was a good year. I finished my GCSEs, started sixth form and fulfilled last year's resolution. I lost a lot of good friends and made a lot of good friends. I made plenty of mistakes and nearly lost the most important relationship of my life with B, but we made it through, remain good friends, and I'm glad for it. I was loved, have been loved and am loved. I'm still with S and I'm content. All and all, it was a good year. And I hope this one's even better. :)

The Christmas holidays have not been favourable, but I don't think I've too much weight. It's imperceptible, but my stomach and my legs just don't feel as toned anymore, and there's just that thin layer of flab you get from eating too much junk food. I'm still 110, but that's about 20 pounds too much. So, I made my New Year's resolution to get to 90, and I'm sticking with it and it's great.

I'm eating healthier like before and already I feel better. I had started jogging again a little bit before Christmas so it's easier for me after the New Years, but now I can't because my left knee is injured, which really, really sucks. However, I've found a better way of exercising- dancing.

Today I spent 45 min in my house dancing to electro music on youtube and it was WONDERFUL. It's surprisingly tiring, especially since I was in heels and holding 4 pound weights, but it was also exhilirating and a great stress reliever. I had been revising for a very, very long time and needed a break, and since today was the day I was supposed to go jogging and no one was in the house, I thought it would be fun to try. At first I thought I'd be too embarrassed and self-conscious to do it, but within the first minute I was dancing away! It was brilliant, fun and a great calorie burner! I looked it up and it says you burn approx 63 calories per 15min, but I probably burnt more because I was dancing 1) so crazily and 2) because I was holding weights and wearing heels. So this is going to definitely become a regular activity for me.

I also spent last night exercising and it was also really, really good. I did 100 mini push-ups, and 50 crunches, and my stomach feels a hell of a lot better. Before, I just felt quite untoned, and although it was still flat it felt flabby. Now I can feel my muscles coming back and it feels really, really great. I'm also doing some great leg exercises that I actually enjoy doing, and some other things that really help.

The bad news is I didn't realize how many hidden calories I've been eating. I ate a biscuit, looked it up and realized it had 67 calories in it!! Aren't they supposed to be HEALTHY!? But I'm doing pretty well- I'm allowing myself to eat one unhealthy thing a week. It doesn't matter how big or small it is; it could be a piece of chocolate or a slice of pie. What the incentive is- and it's working- is that I don't binge, because I want to be able to eat something I'm really craving. If I allow myself to have just one piece of chocolate, that would mean I'm not allowed to eat anything else unhealthy that week, and it's just not really worth it, is it? So it's excellent incentive, and it's working for me and I'm really happy. :)

Anyway, with the eating I'm doing pretty well, and with the exercising I'm doing excellently, so I'm happy. I'll definitely be able to tone up very quickly, and I should be able to tone down those few extra pounds relatively quickly. I'm restarting my food diary, with thinspo pictures, and I'm also going to take weekly photos of myself to see my progress.

Hopefully everything'll work out to plan...I'll see! :D

16/10/08

This week has been a pretty fat week.

On Wednesday, S took me out and I ate lots. Then on Thursday, I ate lots again. Then on Friday, we went out for a meal and I ate a ridiculous amount there, although it was chinese food which isn't that fattening. Then on Saturday we had another birthday dinner for him, and I ate lots of chocolate. And then today I ate lots of chocolate again. So I'm quite fat. And my body is used to eating. And I love chocolate. So I'm fat.

BUT this is the start of a new week! I'm going out with S now, and I will lose weight. He's Chinese, so he's used to thin girls and he's fussy. So I can't gain weight. In fact, I have to lose weight and start dressing better. He doesn't expect me to, obviously, but I have incentive now. Which is good.

Tests tomorrow, and on Tuesday. I'm not prepared at all. Which sucks.

I generally feel like quite a mess right now. I can't stop eating. I know I've gained weight. I can feel it when I walk...and it sickens me.

I don't feel too healthy. I feel like a failure when I post.

But tomorrow's another day, right?

At least I feel like I'm not doing it just for myself anymore.

13/11/08

I've gained weight.

What. the. fuck.

I knew I had gained weight, but I just didn't acknowledge it. But I tried on a dress today that I bought about a year ago, and it was just that little bit tighter.

I don't like to commiserate with other girls about being so fat because I'm not like other girls. I can do something about this. I am different. I can change.

I just need a bit more discipline. It seems to me that recently I've been so stressed out with school, and I still have that mentality from B that counting calories and restricting is 'bad', so even when I do try to eat healthily I always allow myself that extra portion because it's 'healthier' than not eating it.

Also...it seems to me that I think I eat less than I do. I obsess and think about my food and weight so much that it almost seems to me that I'm burning calories while I'm doing it. If only!
Evidently I'm not, and I think I've just got to realize more that what I eat does affect my weight. Which is painstakingly obvious, but I think what happens to me is I obsess and obsess and obsess and never actually change anything because I'm too stressed out.

Right, no more excuses. I've been eating a lot because I'm stressed and tired and think it will help me 'recover.' That's all bullshit. But the most bullshit is allowing myself to by into that bullshit, because really all that means is I have no self control.

Shit. You know, eating all this crap hasn't made me any happier. It's just made me fatter, and have more self-loathing for myself.

I'll lose weight. My taste is already changing; I prefer Chinese food now and I've realized that eating the food I crave just makes me feel fat, bloated and weak...not happy.

I'm just going to think of myself as having made progress because my tastes have changed and I'm walking an extra mile or so each day. I can do this. I've done a little work, and I will do this. I've gained weight because I was stressed and undisciplined, but I can lose it...and continue to lose.

I'm on the path to reaching 90. I can do this. I will do this.