Yearning For Perfection

25/9/09

2009-01-25T12:57:00.000-08:00

I did alright up until dinner, and then I ate more cookie dough. I love baking, love food, but hate gaining weight. So it's a bit of a problem.

I feel fat right now. Really, really fat. You know when there's that stage where you can gain a little weight, gain a little weight and you still look alright, but then you gain a little more weight and you've passed that stage of 'I look normal' to 'I look a little bit, almost imperceptibly chubby, but I've hit the line where I can't gain any more weight.' Well, I've reached that line and I need to lose weight. Most people would disagree. But I'm 5 ft 2 and 110 pounds, and that is way, way too big. Today is the last day of my period excuse. I'm about to go dance, and then when I get upstairs I'm going to work out like normal. I can feel the fat on me. I need to lose it. I need to stop being disgusting and I will do it.

21/1/09

2009-01-24T15:50:00.000-08:00

Has anyone else noticed MAJOR bingeing during their period? Cuz I have been eating NON-STOP and I feel fucking disgusting. And I mean seriously non-stop. I just was making 'low fat' chocolate cupcakes, and I just binged on the dough. And then I purged, and realized how much I ate. And that's only a teensy weensy little bit of what I've eaten today. UGH UGH UGH!!!

Thankfully, my periods only last 1-3 days, so should be fine. Need to get my weight down before I see my grandparents. I'm trying to take 2 tsps of apple vinegar before every meal and I've started dancing every night for half an hour. I also purge occasionally, which, although I know is TERRIBLE for my health, addictive and it does make me feel a lot better afterwards mentally. I also try to do it in the least damaging way to my health as possible. And next Thursday I'm going to a wall-climbing class, so once I'm certified I'll be able to go on the weekends too.

Even though I've been eating A LOT during the last few days, it's my period so even though I know it's not really an excuse, it makes me feel better a little. Hopefully I'll get back into my routine of eating well and exercising pretty quickly and I'll feel healthy and a little bit slimmer than before.

...but even so, right now I sort of feel like I want to die because I'm so fat.

12/1/09

2009-01-12T13:02:00.000-08:00

I am a fucking fatass and I hate myself.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I've barely been doing anything recently. Seriously, what do I waste my time on? I revise but I don't get smarter. I allow myself to eat anything I want with barely a second thought. I feel shitty. Seriously!?

I don't think I've been putting things into perspective. Recently, life seems like a blur, and my time just gets wasted on little inconsequential things like...MY COMPUTER.

I promise myself tomorrow will be a 'new start' but it's not. Before I was feeling a little svelter, but now I'm just back to being sort of blobby. My muscles don't feel strong. I feel unhealthy. The food I eat is fat peoples' food. Like cookies. Ugh.

Maybe I should start posting more often. It'll motivate me more. Just recently I haven't been feeling the motivation for...anything.

I disgust myself beyond belief.

Not to mention that I've been purging after dinner. Which, I know is bad, but I'm prone to it and I can't think of another way to stop eating in front of my family. And I'm getting addicted to it. It makes me feel so empty, but it also makes me hypersensitive to what I eat. Everything I eat seems so wrong. I know you need to eat to function, but still...every bite I take makes me feel like a failure.

I'm going to try staying after school with my friend for a few hours to revise. Straight revision, no computer. And bring a sandwich as my dinner. I'm going to try that tomorrow and see how it goes. And then maybe I'll get into the theme of things again.

4/1/09

2009-01-04T12:05:00.000-08:00

I danced today again for 15min and it was so much fun, except I accidentally hit myself on the head with one of my weights. Didn't hurt too much, actually.

Am about to go do my exercise routine. I already feel a bit more toned!

And I'm eating a lot healthier. I didn't realize how many hidden calories there are in some of my favourite foods, so I'm around 1200-1400 right now. (yes, I know, so much! But already I've cut it by about 100 in the last week, so I'm just going to keep going lower, and school's starting tomorrow so that'll stop me from munching) I've also started eating Tums in the evening because they control my appetite. I've stopped eating after 6, so I think that should help me too.

I just went through all of your blogs because I haven't checked them in a while. I just wanted to say I think you're all amazing and beautiful and lovely.

3/1/08

2009-01-03T13:16:00.000-08:00

It's the start of a New Year again.

2008 was a good year. I finished my GCSEs, started sixth form and fulfilled last year's resolution. I lost a lot of good friends and made a lot of good friends. I made plenty of mistakes and nearly lost the most important relationship of my life with B, but we made it through, remain good friends, and I'm glad for it. I was loved, have been loved and am loved. I'm still with S and I'm content. All and all, it was a good year. And I hope this one's even better. :)

The Christmas holidays have not been favourable, but I don't think I've too much weight. It's imperceptible, but my stomach and my legs just don't feel as toned anymore, and there's just that thin layer of flab you get from eating too much junk food. I'm still 110, but that's about 20 pounds too much. So, I made my New Year's resolution to get to 90, and I'm sticking with it and it's great.

I'm eating healthier like before and already I feel better. I had started jogging again a little bit before Christmas so it's easier for me after the New Years, but now I can't because my left knee is injured, which really, really sucks. However, I've found a better way of exercising- dancing.

Today I spent 45 min in my house dancing to electro music on youtube and it was WONDERFUL. It's surprisingly tiring, especially since I was in heels and holding 4 pound weights, but it was also exhilirating and a great stress reliever. I had been revising for a very, very long time and needed a break, and since today was the day I was supposed to go jogging and no one was in the house, I thought it would be fun to try. At first I thought I'd be too embarrassed and self-conscious to do it, but within the first minute I was dancing away! It was brilliant, fun and a great calorie burner! I looked it up and it says you burn approx 63 calories per 15min, but I probably burnt more because I was dancing 1) so crazily and 2) because I was holding weights and wearing heels. So this is going to definitely become a regular activity for me.

I also spent last night exercising and it was also really, really good. I did 100 mini push-ups, and 50 crunches, and my stomach feels a hell of a lot better. Before, I just felt quite untoned, and although it was still flat it felt flabby. Now I can feel my muscles coming back and it feels really, really great. I'm also doing some great leg exercises that I actually enjoy doing, and some other things that really help.

The bad news is I didn't realize how many hidden calories I've been eating. I ate a biscuit, looked it up and realized it had 67 calories in it!! Aren't they supposed to be HEALTHY!? But I'm doing pretty well- I'm allowing myself to eat one unhealthy thing a week. It doesn't matter how big or small it is; it could be a piece of chocolate or a slice of pie. What the incentive is- and it's working- is that I don't binge, because I want to be able to eat something I'm really craving. If I allow myself to have just one piece of chocolate, that would mean I'm not allowed to eat anything else unhealthy that week, and it's just not really worth it, is it? So it's excellent incentive, and it's working for me and I'm really happy. :)

Anyway, with the eating I'm doing pretty well, and with the exercising I'm doing excellently, so I'm happy. I'll definitely be able to tone up very quickly, and I should be able to tone down those few extra pounds relatively quickly. I'm restarting my food diary, with thinspo pictures, and I'm also going to take weekly photos of myself to see my progress.

Hopefully everything'll work out to plan...I'll see! :D

16/10/08

2008-11-16T12:04:00.000-08:00

This week has been a pretty fat week.

On Wednesday, S took me out and I ate lots. Then on Thursday, I ate lots again. Then on Friday, we went out for a meal and I ate a ridiculous amount there, although it was chinese food which isn't that fattening. Then on Saturday we had another birthday dinner for him, and I ate lots of chocolate. And then today I ate lots of chocolate again. So I'm quite fat. And my body is used to eating. And I love chocolate. So I'm fat.

BUT this is the start of a new week! I'm going out with S now, and I will lose weight. He's Chinese, so he's used to thin girls and he's fussy. So I can't gain weight. In fact, I have to lose weight and start dressing better. He doesn't expect me to, obviously, but I have incentive now. Which is good.

Tests tomorrow, and on Tuesday. I'm not prepared at all. Which sucks.

I generally feel like quite a mess right now. I can't stop eating. I know I've gained weight. I can feel it when I walk...and it sickens me.

I don't feel too healthy. I feel like a failure when I post.

But tomorrow's another day, right?

At least I feel like I'm not doing it just for myself anymore.

13/11/08

2008-11-13T14:51:00.001-08:00

I've gained weight.

What. the. fuck.

I knew I had gained weight, but I just didn't acknowledge it. But I tried on a dress today that I bought about a year ago, and it was just that little bit tighter.

I don't like to commiserate with other girls about being so fat because I'm not like other girls. I can do something about this. I am different. I can change.

I just need a bit more discipline. It seems to me that recently I've been so stressed out with school, and I still have that mentality from B that counting calories and restricting is 'bad', so even when I do try to eat healthily I always allow myself that extra portion because it's 'healthier' than not eating it.

Also...it seems to me that I think I eat less than I do. I obsess and think about my food and weight so much that it almost seems to me that I'm burning calories while I'm doing it. If only!
Evidently I'm not, and I think I've just got to realize more that what I eat does affect my weight. Which is painstakingly obvious, but I think what happens to me is I obsess and obsess and obsess and never actually change anything because I'm too stressed out.

Right, no more excuses. I've been eating a lot because I'm stressed and tired and think it will help me 'recover.' That's all bullshit. But the most bullshit is allowing myself to by into that bullshit, because really all that means is I have no self control.

Shit. You know, eating all this crap hasn't made me any happier. It's just made me fatter, and have more self-loathing for myself.

I'll lose weight. My taste is already changing; I prefer Chinese food now and I've realized that eating the food I crave just makes me feel fat, bloated and weak...not happy.

I'm just going to think of myself as having made progress because my tastes have changed and I'm walking an extra mile or so each day. I can do this. I've done a little work, and I will do this. I've gained weight because I was stressed and undisciplined, but I can lose it...and continue to lose.

I'm on the path to reaching 90. I can do this. I will do this.

10/11/08

2008-11-10T12:35:00.001-08:00

Have started doing sit ups and push ups again, as well as walking home from school. It's about a mile and takes me about 30min. Love working out. My stomach feels sore, but muscular. There are muscles living under that layer of flab!

I have been trying to eat healthier, which has been going pretty well except I still snack in the evenings. However, I have been trying to snack more healthily- normally I would nibble and nibble at little things and pretend they don't count, but now I'm acknowledging what I'm eating, and when I'm overeating. I guess you could say I'm more aware of how my body's feeling. Before I would just make excuses and bullshit myself that I'm hungry. Now, if I eat an extra bowl of cereal, at least I know I'm doing it because I'm greedy rather than because I'm hungry.

I think I'll get my snacking under control soon. I just need to get more inspired, and more used to eating small portions. I ate a ton of broccoli today, and a little rice, and some pork. And then I had some apple, a bunch of peanuts and some m&ms and...yes...peanut butter. But, to be honest, it wasn't too bad. It wasn't a huge binge. It was a smallish/medium one. And I walked back from school today, and it was cold, and windy, and I wasn't used to it. And my period's coming up. So once my body gets more used to this, and my cravings go away, I should be fine.

I have a Maths test tomorrow. Very important. Didn't revise tonight. Feel like a failure.

If I get up really early (i.e, 6am) then I can look over my notes again.

I know I'm going to regret this.

Even though I know what I ate wasn't too bad, I know that I need to restrict much, much more and I need to revise more if I want good grades.

Am feeling quite unhappy at the moment with myself. I know I am going to wake up tomorrow and seriously regret not working harder.

I hate wasted time. It's just so...useless. I'm even starting to hate sleeping, because it's wasted time...

Dammit. I'll just have to do even better, now, to make up for this!

On a better note, I have gotten over my fear of apple vinegar and am actually liking it. Yes, apple vinegar, 1 tsp, not diluted, just downed! I know it's not good for my teeth, but I don't think I can drink it another way. The taste may not be that good, but when I drink it I can practically feel it cutting the fat.

Have biology and chemistry test to revise for on the weekend. Am going out with S, though, because he keeps bothering me about it.

Dammit. My brother just saw my url. Shit. Should be alright, though.

Anyway, main point of this post- I feel pretty lousy now, but I shall succeed.

7/11/08

2008-11-07T14:00:00.000-08:00

Right. I'm going to do this. Today was fucking EXCELLENT! It may not have been really tiny portions, but it was all extremely healthy and I am HAPPY. Hunger hurts, starving works, it truly does!

Breakfast- 1/3 cup oatmeal (100) + 1 serving fruit (80)
Lunch- 1.5 servings raisins (180) + 1.5 servings peanuts (255)
Dinner- 1/4 serving rice (40) + 3 servings cauliflower (84) + 2 servings soybeans (752) + 1 meat cake, steamed (50)

=1541

Okay...that's nowhere near as good as I thought it was going to be. I didn't know soybeans were 376 cals per cup!

However, everything I have consumed is entirely healthy. So that is good.

I've been looking at some thinspo lately that has really, really inspired me. As in, inspired me so much that I don't even want the fucking pumpkin pie. I don't know how to put it up, but you can follow this link:

http://cgi.ebay.com/Elegant-Belt-Tied-Long-Bubble-Trench-Coat-S-Black_W0QQitemZ370106556623QQcmdZViewItemQQptZUS_CSA_WC_Blazers_Tailored_Jackets?hash=item370106556623&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14&_trkparms=72%3A1234%7C66%3A2%7C65%3A12%7C39%3A1%7C240%3A1307#ebayphotohosting

and if you look through all the other stuff, then you'll see what I mean. These girls...are so tiny...they're like little living toothpicks.

Therefore, I'm inspired to not diet and fast and purge, but to eat like these Asian girls. And I can, because we eat Chinese food at home and to be honest, although Western food is better during the moment, it does make me feel a lot more bloated and unhealthy afterward. So I'm going to learn to cook and am going to start making my own dinner when my family eats Western food.

I'm so excited. I'm going to do this. I'm going to eat smaller portions, and I'm only going to eat healthy food. And I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to get skinny and beautiful just like those girls, and I'm going to be really happy.

Plan:

Breakfast- 1/4 cup oatmeal (80) + 1 serving fruit (80)
Lunch- 435 Mon-Fri, but may change to a serving of vegetables; >300 weekends
Dinner- >300
Exercise- 30 min treadmill and sit ups, will increase resistance, Mon-Fri; morning run around the field and nightly exercises, will build up resistance

I'm so excited I can hardly wait.

Also, I got an A* in my last chemistry test! Yay!

And, also!! S and I were (and are) talking, and he admitted his feelings for me which was really, really adorable...apparently he was worried that I'm too good for him, and it's just too surreal because I'm too perfect...

S is my ideal. He's tall, Chinese and smart, has a good sense of humor, adores me and, unlike B, has some extra cash (not an essential point, but definitely a plus)! I'm still worried about B, though. We've broken up. We need to move on. But...I still love him. And vice versa, I think. So I adore S, like S, but don't love S. But, then again...me and B will always love each other. Even if we lost contact, I think we'd still love each other. Besides, what is love, anyway? Deep, deep caring for the other person, no matter what...and that's what we have. It's not romantic love, it's just...love. And I think it will transcend me and S, or whatever the future holds.

Either way, I'm happy. My artificial happiness has become real happiness. The smiles I plastered to my face, and the laughs that I faked have become real, and genuine. People like me for who I am, and I'm not even used to it yet. I still feel the twinge of fear when I walk into school and hope to run into friends, that people are only pretending to like me, and that I'm not really that well-liked at all...and then I remember I am and it makes me happy.

Ooh, it's late, so I had a few peanuts and raisins. Instead of ignoring when I'm hungry, I'll eat, but just a little bit, and I'll drink some water and think about it while I'm eating too, instead of just eating like I normally do, which is a lot.

I'm feeling hopeful. I can do this, and I will do this. I believe in myself, and I will. I have the discipline to suceed in whatever I choose to in life. I can and will. I will do this.

5/11/08

2008-11-05T12:44:00.000-08:00

Why, oh why am I so fat?

...because I'm eating so much.

Despite my promises, the last few days have been an enormous binge fest. I keep on telling myself I'm going to start eating healthier, and then I'll be able to ease my way back in.

...what this means is, I'm going to eat whatever I deem 'healthy' whenever I want, with no self control or discipline at all.

i.e, eating pumpkin pie and peanut butter, peanuts, raisins, pistacchios, ham, cheese, etc.

Oh, and forgot to mention that I haven't exercised in the last two days because my 'kit wasn't ready.' Yeah, I know I'm bullshitting myself. AND, when I did exercise on Monday, I only did 20 minutes.

Dammit. I am a FAILURE.

On the good side, I have been revising loads and have also found a site where I can watch live surgeries. So that is good. I'm very, very worried about my predicted grades...in England, you are predicted what grade you will receive in your AS each term, and they are sent to the universities. Surgeons mean you get predicted all A/A*s every term, consistently. I'm afraid that I won't be predicted that. I have tests coming up that will definitely play a big part in what my predicted grades will be. I already had my chemistry tests (more coming up next week!) and got 2 As. Tomorrow I have biology, and then again next week, as well as a very important maths test. All I can say is- BOLLOCKS! So I have been revising like crazy.

Maybe that has to do with my recent binges?

Either way, I have to stop. My BMI is 20.1, which is too large. My family thinks I am fat. My brother, who is 6 ft 2 and is as skinny as a model, damn him, mocks me incessantly whilst eating waffles slathered in syrup and butter. I myself think I am fat. Everyone else thinks I am slender, and small. But I know I'm not.

There's this girl at my school who is beautiful. She's slim, not tiny, and although she is attractive she is certainly not perfect. But I think she's beautiful. I don't know her, and have met her only briefly, but everytime I see her I wonder how she can look so enchanting. She is always dressed nicely, she is graceful; if I could sum her up in one word then she is lovely. And I don't know how she does it.

At school I come across as sweet, cute, loveable, innocent and adorable. I know many people, have made many, many friends, and am outgoing and friendly. I try hard in school, one of the hardest out of my friends, and have ambitions in life. By Western and especially Eastern standards I could be deemed very attractive. But I want to be more. I want to be perfect.

I like to think of the body as a machine. People aren't aware how important their bodies are in life. They abuse them by feeding them food like crisps, chips, hot dogs, candy; all sorts of disgusting stuff. To me, this is abhorrent. I like to use my body to the breaking point. Alright, maybe I haven't been recently, but I will get this under control. If I have the capacity to do so, why shouldn't I?

It seems to me that everyone else is doing really well on all the other blogs I read, especially Hana and Jane! You guys inspire me :) Hana- I saw your pics and they are GORGEOUS! If you think you thighs are a 'problem area', you should see mine! You are officially my thinspo! And Jane- your diet sounds really tasty and wonderful. That's the sort of thing I would do if my family weren't so nuts!

I'm going to start getting up at 6 in the morning, every day, no matter how late I go to sleep. That means I'll have more time in the day to do what I want. I'm also going to still continue with my plan of eating healthier...but I'll just have more discipline about it.

I remember the days where I could feel my ribs sticking out. I just need to get back in control. Right now, my body is used to being full and fat. Once I get back into the flow, I'll be able to do it once more.

I can do this. I want to do this. I will do this.

I can be a surgeon. I can reach 90. All the progress I have undone is irrelevent. Starting from this point, this weight, now, I will reach 90.

3/11/08

2008-11-03T13:16:00.000-08:00

I'm so unhappy right now. Tried to talk to B, but he didn't talk to me barely at all, and it just depresses me. Ate a little too much today, but was still alright...

I'm so stressed out...ugh. So. stressed. out. and. I. hate. it. I. can't. take. it. any. more.

Only did 20min on the treadmill and was exhausted...but I can't give up, right?

I can't give up...I have to keep going, no matter what, to achieve my goals in life...

I will become a surgeon, I will lose weight, I will reach 90.

My family keeps on making jokes about my weight. I guess I'll have to show them, right?

I'm thinking under 1000? But still am feeling full...

I'll ease back into it...I'll get slim around the belly again, and then slim around the bum, and then the hips, and then the thighs, and then soon maybe I'll be slim...

5 ft 2...110 pounds...working towards 105...then 100...then 95...then 90...

generally...striving for perfection...

2/11/08

2008-11-02T12:41:00.000-08:00

I'm listening to 'the Fray-save a life' right now.

Right now, I'm feeling quite fractured. My last post about B is actually not true...he did talk to me after I posted about it, and he does still care.

Me: I don't want you to feel obligated to help me. If you feel like it's just too much to handle, then just leave, okay?
B: ...you are aware that's one of the most pointless things you've ever said, honey. That's never going to happen.

It's also quite funny right now, though, because as I briefly mentioned this boy called S also really, really likes me. Last night he asked me, 'are you over your ex?' and I didn't really know what to say. Because, really, I'll never be over it. I'm not talking about breaking up, or even going out with him, I'm talking about the emotions we have for each other. The fact that we went out and broke up is irrelevant- we feel the same towards each other as we ever did. And, yes, I do love him, because he's there for me all the time and is the only one who has really supported me and he's the only one who really, genuinely, truly cares for me despite all my flaws and problems. That feeling I will never get over. Nothing else, ever, will compare. The problem is moving on. I know I can go out with other people, like S for instance, and I know I will, but I also know I will never feel the same magnitude of feeling I've felt for B. So it's not so much 'getting over' it as much as ways of dealing with it while still preserving it. It'll never be gone...

So really, I'm just feeling a bit confused right now. And it's making me scared, and sad, while I'm typing, but I guess I'll just have to take life as it comes. My feelings for S are growing, but they're not the same type of feelings. They'll grow into a bond, but not the sort of bond that will last through hell and back, no matter what.

What I am going to do, however, is continue and soldier on. I'm back into 'normality' but I hate myself. I gained back all the weight I lost...not a significant amount, but enough to make me feel enormous, and for my mother and brother to make comments too. They say I'm 'plump' and I guess I am. In fact, I know I am. Which is why I'm going to continue, and strive, for perfection.

I'm restricting again, slowly, slowly, starting from tomorrow. I know my body is used to eating bigger proportions, so I'll just ease into it. I'm exercising tomorrow, and eating my normal apple at lunch. I can do this. I will do this.

I'm going to revise every day, for hours and hours so I can stay ahead. I'm going to exercise until I feel like I'm going to break. I'm going to wake up as early as possible every morning, even on weekdays, to be efficient. I'm going to only eat the bare necessities and I will have the self control to stick to my plans.

I can do this. It's only two years until university and, dammit, I will be a surgeon, no matter what it takes. I will lost the amount of weight I want to. Anything is possible and, dammit, I will do it.

I have to trust that B still loves me, which he says he does, and I will get over my issues and believe him. I have to stop worrying about the petty things in life and live it to the full, and grab all I can from it. I'm lucky. I am loved, despite my flaws, by the one person in the world who means more to me than anyone. I am adored by S and others, I have a group of wonderful friends who, although they do not know about this side of me, still would help me through anything including this if I told them. I go to one of the best sixth forms in England. I have the ability to succeed and, dammit, I will.

I will reach 90. I will go to med school. I will get straight As in my AS...all five of them. I will NOT be a fuck-up. I'm going to enjoy life, while at the same time get as far ahead as I can. I'm going to learn Cantonese, and I'm going to do it. I can do this. I will do this. I can succed in life and I will. I refuse to waste my time like all my peers do, not knowing what path to take and not really caring, wasting their time playing videogames and bitching about others. I know my plan, and dammit I will succeed at it, not matter how hard or long the road.

I will get into med school. I will reach 90.

I am loved, and I am adored. I have many, many brilliant friends who I can depend on. I go to one of the best sixth forms in England.

I can, and will succed in life. After all, what would be stopping me but myself?

27/10/08

2008-10-27T14:04:00.000-07:00

I just don't know what to do about my life.

I just don't know anymore.

In a stage of happiness and deep depression...

I want to write more, but what can I say?

I just don't know anymore.

I just feel so alone.

Why am I so lonely?

B doesn't want to hear it anymore.

I talked, and attempted to talk to him a second ago, and he made so little conversation that it's obvious...and we've just stopped talking. I want to say something, but I can't...

What is there to say?

This is much too sad.

I don't want to grow apart. I want us to stay close, and be close.

There are other guys out there, I know, but he's the only one who really knows me.

Would S still love me if he knew I was like this? No.

I can't get close to anyone...I have made absolutely heaps of new friends, but they don't really know the true me. Only he knows. And he's tired of it.

I've been eating so much more than normal.

I don't know what to do.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish he'd help me, but why would he?

He doesn't care anymore.

Paper Bag- 'cuz I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up'

Oh, yeah.

22/10/08

2008-10-22T12:06:00.000-07:00

Right, seeing as everyone else is writing out meal plans and forbidden foods, I think I shall too:

Breakfast- 1/3 scoop oatmeal (100) + 1 1/2 servings fruit (90)

Lunch- 1 fruit (30-70)

Dinner- (>300)

Snack- >50

Drinks- hot chocolate (35), water (0), diluted juice (30)

So, the most it should be is 610 food wise, 675 food and drink combined.

On top of that I will be doing exercise, which should burn at least 150 off.

Forbidden foods:

peanut butter
digestives
cookies
chocolate
ham and swiss by itself

I have an idea...I'm going to start twitter for my blog. Right after I post this, actually. I think it'll help me keep my discipline up.

Today I did a lot worse. I'm going to round it up to 900, which is NOT GOOD.

However, I still think it's alright. My family have started to notice my anorexic tendencies, and keep making jokes that I'm 'anorexic without the ana'....i.e, I'm still FAT. Which is completely true.

And I'm lazy, too. Thank God it's nearly half term. Then I can revise, revise, revise without getting distracted.

I'm not revising now. I should be.

Today my mom said to me, 'You just complain about your problems to make yourself look cool. You don't have any problems.'

No, there's not much in my life I can really complain about. I'm stressed out, but I should work harder. My mom stresses me out, but it's nothing I can really complain about. My friends tell me I work too hard, but I know that I can work a lot harder than I do. They think my family is insane because they are so...I don't know, catty? What they do is just wear you down. Every day the same mean comments, the same snide words, the constant tension just builds up until you begin to crack, very, very slowly. It happened to my dad. It's not enough to make you feel like you have anything to complain about, so you try to bear it and be happy about it while it slowly hurts more and more every day...

I can do this. I'm going to allow myself to snack on my lettuce stuff as much as I want. It has to be good for you. It must be. I can't even think where the calories would be.

Don't you love it when you crave your healthy foods? I'm eating it right now.

I will do this. I will reach 90. I will do this. I will do this. I can do this, I will do this.

I'm going to start a twitter too so I can get my discipline up. Follow me, guys, and maybe start one too- it helps knowing that someone will always be discouraging you from eating that chocolate muffin!

21/10/08

2008-10-21T13:18:00.000-07:00

=600

Today I worked out for 30min on the treadmill and burnt 277 cals. I was doing really well before I got home, where I ate a small dinner and some great pickled lettuce. (seriously, guys, if you need snack food, just eat this- it's an acquired taste but if you feel like you're going to binge eat some- it's sour, so it takes away your cravings, and it has zero calories as all it is is lettuce, vinergar and peppers and some other stuff...I'll get the recipe) And then...I ate half a digestive, peanut butter, dates, ham and cheese. However, still 600! Feeling pretty pleased with myself :)

I have GOT to stop binging. I just eat and eat and eat. It's horrible, and I'm ashamed.

Thank God the exercise offset it.

I'm still feeling quite happy at the mo.

I just need to get this under control.

Otherwise, everything will be fine.

Pressure from school is hard.

There are so many things I don't understand...

Thank God it's half term in a week.

Then I can just revise all day.

Right now, I don't feel like I have enough time to revise, or even do my homework properly.

And it discourages me so much when I can't do some of my homework.

ARGH.

The stress is builing up, and I don't know what to do.

I must, I must get all As in my AS. I must get into the best universities in the world. I must make my family proud.

This is not for me. This is for them. I will, I will make them proud.

And I will do it.

I'm happy right now, but the stress is right behind me, snapping at my heels.

Eating less helps, at least.

Meanwhile, I'm pretty happy.

I feel like I made progress today.

I know I can do this.

I think I've lost a little bit of weight on my stomach.

My ribs stick out again. When I feel my stomach, I can feel the individual ribs.

It makes me happy. :)

But that's not due to losing weight. I need to lose 20 pounds so I can get to 90.

People in school comment about how thin I am, which is quite odd considering there are girls way, waaaay skinnier than me.

Just wait till they see how low I can go!

I will do it. I can do it, and I will do it.

I'm going to exercise every day after school like this, and I'm going to eat only my dinner and that's it.

I can go lower.

I can reach 90.

20/10/08

2008-10-20T12:31:00.000-07:00

I'm watching some documentaries on anorexia on Dr Phil. They're so interesting.

It's bad I know, but what he's saying really doesn't speak to me. I just can't see it. I don't feel like I need to 'recover.' I talked to B again at length yesterday, and he's still there for me, but I really don't feel like eating more will help me.

Like I said, this weekend I binged on tons of carbs. I ate cookie dough, bread, cookies, cheese; anything I wanted I had. And now I feel sick as anything. I purged on Saturday, and it really, really hurt. Because I ate so much, it was really hard to get it out and it was absolutely rank. I don't think I've ever had such a tough time of it. And now my glands are swollen, my lips are cracked, I have a constand headache and I can just feel the food spread all over my body, gathering around my stomach and thighs.

I was doing so well before. My stomach had shrunk and my bones stuck out more, but now my belly is all bloated and hangs out over my jeans.

Guessing I upped 3 pounds or so?

I did a lot better today, but I'm still not happy.

Breakfast- 1/3 cup porridge (100) + 1.5 servings fruit (100)
Lunch- 1 apple (32)
Dinner- 3 potato + salmon + broccoli (300) + cake (200)
=732

Not bad, I guess. But actually, I disagree. I feel like shit. I'm full. I'm not supposed to be full. I'm supposed to be empty and hollow and beautiful.

Right now I'm feeling quite discouraged and unhealthy. Dammit, I didn't have to eat the fucking cake. Now I feel bloated again. And I don't want to be.

When I walk, I can feel my thighs rub together, and when I sit down I can feel my stomach fold over itself.

I wish I wasn't so fucking fat. I know, I just know I would be happier if I lost weight. I feel so unhealthy right now. For once my feeling of fatness is secondary. I haven't felt so unhealthy since...since my last binge, I suppose.

Does anyone else get this? After eating really well and healthy, you binge and then you feel really sick afterwards?

It's like all the bad food is clogging up my insides. In fact, I think the bad food is clogging up my insides.

This is why I think that I'm actually healthier than most everyone. I know people would think I'm insane for saying that, but I do eat much healthier (normally) than anyone else I know.

If it wasn't for my family, and for B, I know I would be fasting right now. I think I'm probably going to try a salt water flush sometime. I'm wondering, though, whether I can use rock salt instead of sea salt? I've tried to look online, but it gives really vague answers and if I do it wrong then I will seriously fuck up my body.

Anyway, I really need to get some serious zzzs. I'm going to do SO much better tomorrow. And it's going to be fucking brilliant. I'm already hyped. I looked at some real girl thinspo yesterday (the celebs don't work for me) and I feel quite ready. Normally looking at thinspo doesn't help me; I never look it up and when people post pics I don't really feel motivated. It didn't really help me get hyped, really, when I saw it. It just made me feel more certain that I did want those stick thin legs, and that I can get them.

I love the feeling of free falling. I love that feeling of pushing yourself harder and harder, and verging to the breaking point. I love that feeling of, 'how low can you go.' I'm not just talking about ana...I'm talking about my life. I want to get into the best universities, so I'm going to start revising even more. I want to lose weight, so I'm restricting. When I work, I work hard. And I love it. Because I know I'm doing something in my life.

I hate it when people don't try. When there's an opportunity for better, I believe you should always strive for it, no matter how unattainable it may seem.

People reading this post may be thinking, 'what a poor girl, she really needs help. She really needs to just calm down, and relax, and just start to enjoy life and start eating.'

If anyone's thinking this, I appreciate the thought, but honestly? I couldn't be happier with my plan.

I'm eating healthy. I'm going to start exercising again. I'm going to revise more.

The result will be that I lose weight and become generally fitter and healthier, and I'll get into better schools and make my family proud of me which is my main ambition.

If I relax I will gain weight, and get into worse schools and feel like the failure I will undoubtedly be.

Why should I work less hard? Why should I not be healthier?

I'm still striving for perfection, but I'm keeping my promises and am stopping binging and am being healthier.

19/10/08

2008-10-19T12:33:00.000-07:00

End binge.

18/10/08

2008-10-18T14:42:00.000-07:00

Right. I'm on my period. And I have been eating. Loads. Ridiculous amounts. I feel enormous. I can't even say how enormous I feel. When I walk, I can feel the tops of my thighs rub together. It almost as if the fat has accumulated in layers around my bum and thighs, and if I restrict the layers will just peel off. At least, that's what I want anyway. I think I've probably added about ten more layers in the last three days though, considering the amount of CHOCOLATE and COOKIES and BREAD that I've been eating.

Anyone else who has period problems: here are some helpful (and healthful) tricks to combat cravings. If only I had thought of them before!

Many people crave chocolate during their period. This is because chocolate contains a lot of magnesium. Unfortunately, chocolate is also very fattening...apparently eating more magnesium will make these cravings abate because what your body really wants is the magnesium. If you don't take magnesium pills, you should start a little bit before and during your period, and if you do you should up the amount you a take A LITTLE BIT.

Another trick is to eat pure cocoa powder instead of the chocolate. A little while ago I posted how to make non-fattening hot chocolate by just added a tsp of cocoa powder, some sweetner (I use splenda) and hot water. Now that is PERFECT for getting rid of cravings, because as it is pure cocoa powder it is loaded with magnesium, is caffeinated so it speeds up your metabolism, and it is extremely filling.

Maybe I'll do them another time, when I'm more prepared. As of now, it's too late. I binged absolutely fucking loads and I feel like shit. Normally when I binge, I have the sense of, 'well, tomorrow's another day and I know I can do it.' These last few days...not at all. I didn't even binge healthily. I binged on COOKIE DOUGH. I mean, seriously. WHAT THE FUCK!?

Another thing I have to admit....I have been purging recently. A lot. At least once a day. My throat feels all scratchy, my glands are swollen, I keep on getting muscle cramps and it hurts when I swallow. When I eat too much, I feel the impulse right away to throw up again. It makes me feel horrible because it's such a terrible act and it's so degrading and disgusting, but it also makes me feel better because even though I know it's not an efficient way to burn calories it just makes me feel better to be empty.

I ended up telling B about my purging. Well, not so much as telling as admitting. And, if you'd believe it, he still feels the same way about me. God knows I hate myself for doing this to him. He's really worried about me. That's an understatement. He's really, really worried about me and wants me to get help. Seriously. I keep on making promises to him, to my friends, to myself, to my readers and I end up breaking all and not being happy with anything. To be completely honest, right now what I want to do is fast for a long, long time and just...empty myself. But I know I couldn't do that to him, and really to all my friends. It's not that I would have to tell everyone else, but I know I would end up telling him and really, how much more can I load on him? I feel guilty enough about it now, but if I carry on for much longer...I don't know. I can't see the future.

However, I can't do nothing and I know that I can change somethings and satisfy both demands. Even without B's intervention, I would have changed. I know that I've been binging and am going to continue binging if I don't get back on schedule, and I definitely know that I CANNOT keep on purging.

I'm going to eat more. Which sounds bad, very bad from my usual perspective. Especially since I feels so enormous right now. However, I think it should be alright. Normally when I go home I eat at least a little bit unhealthy anyway which is not good. So here's the plan- I'm going to stick with my porridge and fruit for breakfast, and apple for lunch, but I'm going to add a healthy snack as well during the day. This should curb my cravings when I get home, as well as keep up my metabolism and energy during the day.

I am going to stop purging. I did promise B, and I myself know that it just murders your body. I can definitely feel the effects, and they really do hurt. It's unhealthy, it's ineffective, it's degrading and to be honest, it's complete madness. It hurts to do it. It hurts your body, and it hurts you. So I'm going to stop. The way I'm going to do this is simply stop binging. I know it'll be hard, but if I start eating a snack in the middle of the day and if I just think that I am completing a promise that will satisfy everyone, then I know I can do this.

I can still restrict whilst being happy. I can still lose weight and be disciplined in all aspects of my life while still being healthy. I can satisfy everything without being unhappy myself.

I think before I was too obsessed with the numbers. Now I'm just going to try to be generally more healthy. It's a better method, I think, and the one that works best for me. During the summer, this really worked for me. When I started college, I got really stressed so I just began obsessively counting. Although there are some results, the pain and worry I have put myself and my friends through is nothing compared to the minimal amount of weight I have lost. It's ineffective because all I do is restrict and binge, and everyone knows yo-yo dieting doesn't work. And it's painful to my well-being, and to all my friends.

As I said before, I just need to get into a pattern. I'll still be restricting, and am hoping to stay under 600, but I'll just be more healthy. Instead of restricting for a long period of time and then eating 400 calories all at once, I'll be spacing it out. That way I'll still feel in control, but I won't be damaging my body. I'll still be disciplined, and will still be fulfilling what I want in life, just in a less obsessive way.

It's such a simple answer, I don't know why I didn't think of it. Before, I just thought, the less I eat the more I lose. It's true, but I was feeling too guilty to follow it properly so I would just end up doing nutty stuff and hurting everyone and myself. Now I just plan on restricting like before, but I also plan on being healthy and eating at least a little bit when I'm hungry.

Okay. I can do this. Here's one for B, not that he reads this thank God, but still:

I can do this. I have the discipline, and the determination. I can do this, and I will do this.

I know my friends want me to completely 'recover' and eat 2000 calories a day. I'm sorry, but that's just not going to happen, no matter what you do. 2000 cals = binge to me. What I can do is stop obsessing about it, stop purging and eat healthy so my body doesn't go crazy on me.

Right. I think this is the one solution, the one promise that I can keep and not feel bad.

Thanks for all your support, guys. It means a lot to me.

xz

18/10/08

2008-10-17T16:17:00.000-07:00

I hate myself.

I don't think I've ever been so depressed.

I just hate myself. I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself.

I wish...

I don't know what I wish.

I wish I didn't feel this bad.

I don't even know why I feel this bad.

I just completely despise myself.

I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.

16/10/08

2008-10-16T12:17:00.000-07:00

Total Count: 937

This may sound completely irrational, but I think I'm really pleased with myself.

Food list:

Breakfast- 1/3 cup oatmeal (100) + 1 serving peaches (80)
Lunch- 1 apple (32) + 1 sesame cracker (20)
Dinner- 1 bowl rice + beef + asparagus + dofu (300)
(-125 purged)
2 brownies (140)
1 serving blueberries (70)
8 truffles (320)

Everything below dinner sounds insane, right? But I'm trying to be positive, and here is how I am doing it. Surprisingly, it makes a lot of sense in my mind:

Normally, there aren't brownies or truffles around the house. Today was unusual because we finally opened a box of chocolates that we have had for years and my mom made brownies. When I come home, these foods aren't normally available. That's why I think it's more acceptable to eat them than to binge on food that is easily accessible.

If you're going to binge, do it on food that you can't normally get. That way your cravings are satiated, but you won't be able to satisfy them all the time because you won't be able to get the food you want.

That's how I'm looking at it, anyway. :)

I'm going to start bringing an apple and a snack to school. This is what I hope my calorie count will be before dinner:

Breakfast- 1/3 cup oatmeal (100) + 1 serving fruit (60-80)
Lunch- 1 apple (32) + healthy snack (>120)

Total: 332

If I did that, then I would have room for 268 calories to reach 600 a day. Which should be plenty.

Also, if I eat more during the day, then that should cut my binges when I get home and keep my metabolism up.

I hope, anyway.

:)

14/10/08

2008-10-14T12:45:00.000-07:00

Although today went horribly, I'm not letting myself be unhappy.

Total calorie count= 1107

Yeah, I know. Waaaaay too much. But, you know what? I'm being positive. I'm not allowing myself to dwell on this. I'm going to stay positive. I'll do better tomorrow, and that will be great, so I'll be even more happy.

One thing that is annoying me, however...WHY THE HELL DOES D KEEP TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT ME!?

Okay, overexaggeration...he told Z and B to make sure I ate loads of pizza on Friday, and today when Z came in again he started questionning me about how much I'm eating and when he saw my lunch told me, 'that wouldn't even be enough for a fly.' I think he knows something's up, but I'm banking on him forgetting because we go to different schools and are not very close.

Still, that's not the point. I know D thinks he is helping me, but it really doesn't help to eat more. This is what Dan thinks:

not eating = bad
eating = good
not eating + eating more = good

Because I just love doing equations :)

He doesn't understand at all. And I don't blame him. I just hope he doesn't keep on advertising to people that I have an ED.

Apart from that, I feel quite...content. A little bit worried, and anxious, and unstable, but otherwise quite content.

I have friends that adore me, and it's not only the ones I've mentioned previously. I've made absolutely tons of new friends at college, I'm doing pretty well in my classes and I'm...happy.

This doesn't need to control my life. This can improve my life.

I hope it keeps on going well :)

Wish me luck! Loving the comments!

xz

13/10/08

2008-10-13T12:25:00.000-07:00

I think I'm back.

722 calories.

This is why I'm back:

Because I feel like my life cannot be fully complete without this.

Because I feel like I need some discipline in my life, and not only does doing this help me stay disciplined in this one aspect, but it helps give me the control to succeed in other areas too, most importantly revision.

Because I know that no matter how much help I get, this will not go away. Not right now anyway. Maybe at a later stage, but not now.

Today I ate my regular breakfast of porridge, an apple and half a PBJ (binge) for lunch and a big bowl of soup for dinner (binge).

I'm cutting down lower tomorrow, down to >600 again which is easily achievable. I can cut out the honey on my porridge, and I can cut out the PBJ which is about 170 cals in total.

Yay.

I know my friends would be disappointed in me.

But do they have to know everything I do?

Besides, I'll cut it down gradually.

They're worried that I'm going to go too deep to get out.

Haha, if only they knew, once you're in, you're in for a looooooong time.

B, S, D, BRB, everyone else...I'm sorry.

I appreciate you all...so much. The fact that you're still here for me is astounding.

But I cannot break free of this. This is my life.

However, I am going to do something about this.

In my own personal opinion, it is the worry and depression and anxiety that comes along with anorexia that makes it a 'problem' and an 'illness.'

If you just choose to eat less, then you're just eating less. There are people who conciously and publicly do it. Just read this article.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/10/071025080838.htm

I don't think anyone calls them anorexic. They're applauded for their discipline. Besides, when I do this, I feel healthy. You can't possibly tell me that if I had eaten more pizza that Friday, I would be 'healthier.' I exercise. I eat healthy. The only reason I'm not 'healthy' is because I'm obsessed with what I'm doing.

As long as you're still surviving, and are in moderate health, in my opinion it doesn't matter.

So I'm going to just try to stop thinking about it and worrying about it and obsessing about it as much.

Before, I was so confused as to what path to choose, I would just obsess about it and feel worse and worse.

When I get back into the flow, it just becomes part of my lifestyle. And I just begin to be really disciplined about everything, not just food. It's like my mind goes into a shell, and I just work work work at whatever I set my mind to.

Current stats:

CW: 110 pounds
Height: 5 ft 2
GW1: 105 pounds
GW2: 100 pounds
GW3: 95 pounds
UGW: 90 pounds

I'm just going to keep on restricting.

I'm really glad :) I don't have any cravings for peanut butter because *shudders* I satisfied it by eating 1/3 jar of peanut butter by itself a day or two ago.

And I don't have much craving for anything 'dessert-like.'

Yesterday, I allowed myself an almost unspeakable sin.

Strudle with chocolate and vanilla ice cream.

Total calorie count? Don't want to know.

And it didn't even taste nice. It just tasted sort of...dull.

When I eat now, although I can taste the food, I don't really savour it anymore. I register the taste, but I just seem to ignore it. I also can't really tell when I'm hungry anymore. I think my stomach's shrunk :) My stomach rumbles, but I don't feel hungry. So I think that's a good sign too.

So, all in all, I'm back. This time for good.

And I think I've found the solution.

I cannot not continue doing this. If I don't continue, I won't be able to live the life I want. When I get into the flow of restricting, my whole life becomes more disciplined. When I don't restrict, my life becomes sloppy. So, if I want to achieve the goals I have set for myself in life (which are very, very high) I will have to become more disciplined. Which means more restricting. Which means to continue.

However, I know that my friends would be horribly hurt and worried if they knew I was doing this. But, then again, they don't understand 'this' at all. They think:

not eating -> unhealthy + stress = bad + serious consequences

This is not true. I have already stated that I am healthier than most people, healthier than, I dare say, ALL of them. So there are no negative repurcussions which eliminates the unhealthy and serious consequence aspects of the equation.

not eating -> stress = bad

If I stop obssessing over not eating and exercising, then I eliminate the stress and bad aspects.

not eating -> ?

The ? is whatever I make of it. And what I make of it is discipline. And discipline = happiness.

So, they can't really argue. I know they will argue, but they don't understand.

And I'm not going to tell them. I'm just going to say that I'm feeling better, and to be completely honest I was totally lax about covering up, sometimes even being completely obvious so I could feel cared about. That however went too far, and they became genuinely concerned, and I couldn't cover up again.

So this time, it's for real. I'm just going to restrict again, get back into the lifestyle, and it'll make my life better because I'll be more disciplined and I won't allow myself to stress about it.

Normally I never get stressed about it. Because when I am in the flow, I have perfect discipline. When I set my mind to something, I can achieve it because I know that I have the discipline. Most people don't. It's only because I am a complete OCD perfectionist that I do.

When I was uncertain, I lost my discipline because I was uncertain. Now that I am certain, my discipline will return to me and I will continue and create the life I want.

I keep on thinking of more things to write, but I'm going to stop now.

In conclusion, I am continuing, this time for real because it will make my life more structured, which is what I need to be happy now and in the future. I am, however, not going to allow myself to become obsessive and stressed about it. I will not worry my friends about it, and I will keep them updated on how I am feeling, not how much I am eating, because although they don't know it what they're worried about is how happy I am, not my calorie intake.

I know it seems like if I continue, I'll just make everyone worry about me and it will be like it was before. What I'm doing now is completely different than before, because before I was stressed and obsessed about it. Now I'll be able to keep it up while maintaining my close relationships with my darling friends because I'll be restricting and disciplined, but still happy.

I'll keep on posting daily about my triumphs and pains.

Thank you so much for all the comments out there, they mean everything to me.

Keep commenting! I love you girlies :) You are my ultimate inspiration.

xz

11/10/08

2008-10-11T15:01:00.000-07:00

Today I met up with BRB and we had a really lovely day and were just bonding like we used to and I so very stupidly decided to tell her, because I thought she should know and because we shouldn't have any secrets between us, and she is now extremely worried (obviously) and I feel guilty and sick because she has many, many, many problems of her own she should worry about and she shouldn't worry about me.

Forgot to mention that yesterday was my friend's birthday and we had to go to Pizza Hut (now known as Pasta Hut, crazy!) and it was really, really not fun. When I sat down, Z (the birthday boy) said to me, 'by the way, I've been told to tell you no calorie recording this evening.' I tried to laugh it off, and then Z says, 'but really, have you been recording everything you eat?' and B stupidly says, 'I didn't tell him!' So now it's completely obvious I have an ED, and the other girl who came just kept staring and staring at me in such pity that I felt sick.

And then I felt actually physically sick because it was so hot, and the pizza came and I had to eat a slice, and I felt all dizzy and I was shaking like crazy and then I had to go outside and it was so, so extremely awkward because normally I'm all peppy and happy but this time I was really dead and quiet. And then when we went out I was weaving because I was so dizzy, and B had to walk with me and hold my hand and tell me I was going to be alright and it was just. so. humiliating.

The girl, Charlotte I think her name was, kept on turning around to look at me while all this was happening and kept on giving me this really pitying smile while I sat there, nibbling on that horrible, horrible piece of pizza and when I was walking with B and he was holding my hand with his arm around me whispering to me, 'Are you alright? Did you eat too much? It's going to be okay. We'll help you through this.'

After I came home I talked to him about it. A lot. And he's really a great listener, but I can just tell that even though he wants to hear it because it makes me feel better, he really doesn't want to hear it. No one wants to hear it, really. And because I have no idea what I'm talking about, he has no idea what I'm talking about.

I don't know what to do. Still. Apologies, readers, for my horrible lack of decisiveness. I've been getting into more regular eating patterns, so it'll be hard to break out of them again. I would make my friends feel a lot happier, which matters a lot to me because even though they don't understand this part of me, they do care about me and I cannot, I cannot have them still worry about me because it makes me feel guilty. I have promised them that I would recover. I promised S. I promised B (who believes I'm trying my hardest at this- if only he knew about my purging and my restrictions this week) and I promised BRB today (who, by the way, knows me well enough to know that I will lie to stop people worrying). This combined with my conscience is enough to try to get me to 'recover' and stop doing this. Maybe I'd be happier. I know that ana is not the solution to the problems. However...

...there are a few things are stopping me. One is a post from Belle Svelte, a blogger that I follow. (hope you don't mind me writing about you, btw, everything you've written is very inspiring!) Here's some passages that really made me think:

'but I can honestly say that on this blog, even if I am anonymous, on some level...I can relate to you all. Even if I don't know who you are, where you come from, or even what you are like with your friends/family, I know that by looking at your height, weight, goal weight etc. I can understand the troubles you go through. I can relate.'

I definitely understand this. My friends, although I adore them and they care about me, I can't relate to about this. D, for instance, believes I'm doing this for attention. I can perfectly understand why he thinks that, so I'm not angry with him. It's a complex mindset. I don't even fully understand it myself. But this means that through all my pain, and all my triumphs, they won't understand. BRB today when I told her said to me, 'I don't know why you can't make it go away so then you'll be alright. I mean, I know you can't, but...it just bothers me that I'm not going to be able to help you because there's no quick solution.'

The one thing B always says to me is, 'Just try to relax. It's all going to be alright. We're here to help you.' I know they're here to help, and I know they can help me in the sense that it makes me feel better to talk to them, but they can't really help me address the core issue. Yesterday when I was talking to B, I said to him, 'I wish someone could just take this away from me and I wouldn't have to think about this anymore' and he replied, 'Unfortunately the only person who can do that is you honey, and that's it. Me and everyone else can help, but ultimately you and you alone that has the power.' Which is so, so true.

Which is why it makes me think that I can carry on like this. I know that this is not something that can easily be 'recovered' from. I know from reading those still 'in recovery' that every day is a struggle, perhaps an even harder struggle than when they were ana. Every day is hard, and will be hard, but it gives me a sense of control and satisfaction and it also helps me know that there are others out there like me. Because it's not just that we all share the same methods, and that we all want to lose weight, it's that our minds function similarly. We all know that daily struggle of wanting that cookie, and the triumph or the failure of avoiding or succumbing to the temptation. We all know what it's like to lose that pound, and then gain it back after binging on the weekend. We all know what it's like to have ana. So we can all support each other in our triumphs and failures. As Belle said, 'I can relate to you all...and I feel like I am finally part of something where I am no longer an outsider looking in.'

Something else that made me really stop and think was Hana's comment on my blog (thank you for the support, it means everything to me!) This is part of what she said:

'Now it comes down to this: what is more important to you? Your friends who don't really know you and who jump to insulting conclusions without even trying to understand, or your illness which gives you both pain and comfort, gives you direction and meaning, which is part of who you are?

It's up to you... and remember, you can always "get better" to get those fuckers off your back. It doesn't take long for others to return to their self involved selfish ways ((trust me)).'

Now, this is one of the main reasons that I'm hesitating really, truly trying to make an effort to get better. All these times when I've said, 'fine, fuck, I'll stop,' I never really meant them. And this is why. Because every time I say it, I always know that I'll be back here tomorrow, posting about how hard it was to resist that chocolate digestive. I know that to recover, you must have your whole mind dedicated to it. And I just don't. Because I know that my ED is a part of me that I just can't change...yet. If ever.

I've decided to take a few days to see what to do. I know, I know...I'm being indecisive, and I normally hate indecisiveness, but I really have no clue. One half of me urges me to use my common sense and do what my friends want and stop, and maybe even climb to some sort of level of stable happiness in my life. The other half wants me to continue, to lie, purge and restrict but continue on, and to follow that elusive goal of my GW which always seems close within my grasp but always so far away...

I'm going to keep on posting daily, like usual. As anyone who has tried to recover should know, it's a hard, hard choice that doesn't get any easier for a looooong time.

Thank you for the support, everyone :) I love getting comments, and I love reading your blogs.

Even if I go onto to 'recovery', I'll keep posting and reading.

...I feel like I need to write more and explain my feelings, my trepidation of continuing if I choose to, my fears of the depression, anger, loneliness and helplessness that accompany it, and the unhappiness and anger I will undoubtedly receive from my friends...

but I'm going to try not to think about it anymore, and not do anything about it for a few days, and then maybe I'll decide.

10/10/08

2008-10-10T13:44:00.000-07:00

To be honest, I really don't know what to say.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to think.

I feel like I'm going to die.

I feel like I've been sucked into a big, deep whirlwind of despair that I can't climb out of.

I've been eating 'normally' which to me = binging.

I don't know what to do. I just don't, I just don't know what to do. And it's killing me.

Yesterday D told me he thought I was 'attention seeking.' At first when he said this to me, I thought, 'maybe I am. Maybe he's right. Maybe I am just doing this for the attention after all, but haven't realized properly until now.'

But then I thought...

WHAT THE FUCK.

Why the FUCK would ANYONE do this for ATTENTION!?

If I was a wannarexic, I would have been very, very self-satisfied by now, scaring my friends to death about this.

Who the FUCK do you think I am to do this for attention?

Do you think that I would kneel there, naked, in front of the toilet and jab my FUCKING fingers down my throat day after day and cry while I threw up the remenants of my latest binge?

Do you think I would torture myself DAILY with that one cookie, with that one extra serving, with a normal MEAL because I want attention?

Do you think I would go through this hell, this fucking HELL of self-deprivation just for the fucking ATTENTION?

Every day when I'm so depressed I could just cry and scream because I ate ONE FUCKING COOKIE...I'm not doing it for attention. To be honest, I don't know why I'm doing it. But I'm doing it, and that's all that matters.

Don't EVER fucking tell me that the pain I have gone through is not worth it.

Don't EVER fucking tell me that I am fucking up my body for no reason at all.

Don't EVER fucking tell me that I am isolating myself, worrying my friends and killing myself both physically and emotionally for no FUCKING reason at all.

Don't EVER fucking say it to me.

Don't ever, don't ever tell me that I go through this for attention. Don't EVER fucking say it to me.

I'm so fucked up right now. Just. So. Fucked. Up.

I don't think I can give it up. My bracelet burns on my skin, although I can't feel it, my skin crawls knowing that it's on me, and I'm wearing it...

But I don't think I can give it up. This IS me, this IS my life.

Fuck.

8/10/08

2008-10-08T13:21:00.000-07:00

=1372

Don't even want to list it.

It's not a binge.

Yesterday, my friend D noticed me writing in my food diary and saw the amount of calories I had eaten the day before (900 and something) and told S because he was worried.

So S had a long discussion about it with me, and I ended up spilling a lot of guts out.

I feel so, so shit.

S was so worried he was almost crying.

I asked him how worried he was

and he said, 'if me, or B, or D was ill, and you didn't know what the worst possible outcome was and how bad it was going to get, tell me how worried you'd be.'

He wants me to get help.

I don't need help. If I'm going to recover, I'll recover on my own.

Sometimes I look back and think what people have said, and I think to myself, 'you're such an attention seeker, pretending to be this way.' And then I think...'wait...this isn't attention seeking. You ARE this way, because if you were attention seeking you'd have satisfied your need and would stop. You actually ARE anorexic.'

It's almost like I'm in denial. I keep on thinking to myself, 'no, you're really not...there's no way.'

But I am. I really am. I am anorexic.

When I see the words written down, I can't believe it.

I can't believe I'm anorexic.

People keep on telling me, 'you need help, this is serious' and I keep on laughing it off because I think, 'ridiculous, I can't possibly need help. That's for serious cases.'

Maybe I am a serious case. Maybe S is right. Maybe it'll go too far and I won'd be able to stop it.

I still refuse to get help. Even if I need help, I can do it myself.

I can't believe I am. But this is why I think I am:

I think about this ALL THE TIME
My friends are worried sick about me, but I won't stop
I nearly stopped the most important relationship in my life for this
I'm purging, even though I know it is incredibly unhealthy for me
When I eat too much, my mood spirals down to rock bottom
My happiness is dependant on how little I eat
I'm considering taking pills to lose weight
I took some ana tests (online) and I scored between 90-100% positive
I'm starting to binge and purge a little, but a little goes a looooong way
When I eat, all I can think about is calories
I have a diary of what I eat

I think I am anorexic. I always thought, 'no, it can't be that serious.' But I think it is serious. I keep on telling myself, 'if you want to, you can stop.' But when put with that decision, it kills me. For example, I asked S if he didn't want me to go to the gym and he said, 'yes, I'd prefer if you didn't go. Are you okay about that?' I said yes automatically, but then when I thought about it I felt like absolutely shit.

Maybe I'm not okay. Maybe this really is a problem.

Most of the time I don't consider myself to be thin enough, or disciplined enough, to be ana. But maybe I really am.

I'm at an impossible crossroad right now. My friends are worried sick about me. I am purging a lot. If I stopped acting this way, them maybe I would be happier, and certainly my friends would be. Everyone is so, so worried about me. D is angry with me.

Fuck. Fuck. I'll stop. I can't take this any more.

7/10/08

2008-10-07T12:54:00.000-07:00

=577 CALORIES, BABY!

And restricting even more tomorrow :)

Gained

Breakfast- 1/3 scoop oatmeal (100) + 1 serving mangoes (60)
Lunch- 2 green apples (64) + 1 cereal bar (140)
Dinner- 1 serving fish curry (372) + 1 serving rice (160)
Snacks- 2 slices ham + 3 slices cheese (40) + 7 jalepenos + red peppers + 1/2 fuji apple (40)

Burnt

15 min treadmill (-150)
Purged dinner (-45% = -239)

Oh, score! Tomorrow, I am planning on taking out ALL my snacks and the cereal bar. This should leave a total of:

Breakfast= 160
Lunch= 64
Dinner= >600

=824 without exercising and purging.

So, WITH exercise, that should equal at least:

824 - 150=674

And if I restrict breakfast and dinner:

674 - 50 - 100 = 524.

HELL YES!

I'm trying not to purge anymore. I know it's horribly unhealthy and I don't want to do it. Here is my motive:

I only purge when I eat too much.
Purging is unhealthy.
If I don't want to purge, I shouldn't eat as much.
Sorted.

Perfect motive :)

Tomorrow I'm going to buy some caffeine pills, and I'm also going to carry around some Tums with me. Yaaay.

I can do this. I am doing this. I will do this. Every day it gets better.

One problem I have: when I get hungry, I always go and eat peanut butter. Only a little at a time, but it adds up. What can I do to stop this? I know that I don't have the willpower to not. Is there any food that I can binge on that isn't fattening but tastes just as good? Anybody have any good binge food?

I'm thinking maybe raisins, or cereal? Or something of the sort.

Also, this makes me happy: 10 calorie hot chocolate that is HEALTHY for you. Yes, that's right. Okay, so it may not taste like the great, 300 calorie ones filled with cream and chocolate, but it's a good substitute and is great to drink around other people because they don't know it's actually only 10 calories instead of 500.

1 tsp of pure cocoa powder + water = hot chocolate!

Cocoa powder is full of caffeine, which helps you lose weight, and it is also surprisingly filling because it's not just water, it's water with another substance. So it keeps you pretty full.

Actually, maybe that would make a good binge food...

I haven't tried yet, but I assume that if you add some other tasty things it will be just as good as the fattening stuff. Right now it's quite bitter, but if you added some splenda, maybe a little milk, cinnamon? It might be good. And not very fattening either. Grrreat.

Also, another really great thing when you're binging: if you're a spicy food fan, add peppers to EVERYTHING! They increase your metabolism, so you don't have to feel as guilty about eating when you do binge. It's great. Today I had some slices of ham and cheese, but I added tons of peppers to it so hopefully my metabolism spiked just as I ate!

I'm so pleased with myself. I feel so happy. The only problem is, I feel full. This freaks me out. When I'm full, I just assume I ate too much.

I have to stop eating so much at home, but I can't- food is my distraction, and it is readily available.

And after I purge, I get hungry.

Hmmm...what should I do...?

PS, in response to Jane:

Thanks for your support! It really helps knowing there are people out there reading this blog, it definitely makes me more determined. Although I don't have a scale, I do think I have lost some weight...before, around my stomach I was getting a little bit pudgy. Now, however, I think I'm a little bit more toned! Before when I ate, my stomach used to go a tiny little bit outwards from the bottom of my ribcage. Now, my stomach goes a little bit inwards, and when I walk sometimes I can feel my bottom ribs poke out!

It makes me happy :) Now I just need to lose some weight on my legs...seriously, I have THUNDER THIGHS. My mom and brother tease me about my treestumpish legs. But I will do it, and I will soon achieve the beautiful twig-thin legs I have always wanted.

Just keep posting, guys, you give me determination!

Tomorrow, I'm going to try to reduced to >550. Yeah!

Starve on.

6/10/08

2008-10-06T13:02:00.000-07:00

Am doing pretty good! Here's what I ate today:

Breakfast- 1/3 cup porridge (100) + 1 serving mangoes (60)
Lunch- 1 medium sized green apple (32) + 1/4 PBJ (70)
Dinner- 1 large serving spaghettit + redsauce + 1 sausage (692)

=954

HOLY SHIT.

NO WAY.

I didn't know spaghetti had SO MANY FUCKING CALORIES.

That just FUCKING RUINED my day.

I just looked up the number of calories just to be sure.

I estimated about 250.

WAAAAAAAY OFF.

FUCK.

Well, that'll teach me to be a fat fucking pig! When I got that massive plate, I thought, hmm, I could eat half of that and be very full. I looked at my bracelet and thought, 'This could make my day.' When I ate about a quarter I thought, 'hmm, I could stop now and be pleased with myself.' But NO! I had to eat the whole fucking thing. And I didn't even PURGE.

FUCK.

In other news, my day went pretty well! At school I'm actually pretty happy. My friends keep me afloat and I adore them (even though they have NO CLUE about my eating habits. They think I'm a health nut, but I can safely smile and say, 'No, just trying to be healthy!' and they don't question it. Except Lara, when I threw away my sandwich. 'You don't eat anything at all!' 'I do, I'm eating this apple.' 'But that's so little.' 'No, you get used to it.' '...but why would you want to get used to it?' BECAUSE I WANT TO BE THIN! But that's been it so far.) I also ran into B today! Nothing much happened. He was nice. He didn't seem worried about me, though. He seemed just...normal. Like there was nothing. But I don't think it matters. I'm seeing him and some friends on Friday to celebrate our friend's birthday at Pizza Hut. UGH. How sickening it's going to be. Pizza= oil + fat. Disgusting. I guess I'll see him there!

Success: My mom is going to stop making me lunch because I told her I'm going to start buying soup at the cafe for 50p. It's true, there's soup there, and it's 50p, but it's in a tiny little cup and is only 52 calories. That's my snack, if I really need it. She ranted at me for a while about how I'm wasting my money and need to get a job, but she's letting me.

YES. NO MORE CRAVINGS. NO MORE GIVING UP AND EATING THE ENTRE PBJ.

Woah, I looked up the no. of calories and it's 380. Holy fuck me shitless. That's a hell of a lot more than I thought.

380-32=348 cals saved.

SCORE!

And at breakfast, I'm going to start eating less too. I don't need to finish the entire bowl, it's unneccessary. And at dinner, I definitely don't have to finish everything. Also, I'm going to start carrying around Tums with me, as well as caffeine pills and gum. Yay.

I love not eating. When I'm full, I feel frightened and guilty, and I worry that I'm counting my calories wrong (which, evidently, I have been. Shit.) So now I just like feeling empty. I know I can survive eating very little. I just need to be able to do this.

And I can do this. I will do this.

Thanks for the support, guys, I really need it right now and I love getting comments. It gives me determination.

Starve on.

5/10/08

2008-10-05T12:03:00.000-07:00

Today I purged twice, once soon after breakfast and the other a little while after dinner. Ugh. I have school tomorrow...not that I don't enjoy it, but every day the stress weighs on me a little more.

I am very unhappy. I am very lonely. I am very stressed. I am very overwhelmed. I feel very despairing right now. My body is cold. Inside I am colder. I am worried. And unhappy.

In terms of eating, today was great! This morning I had an apple (32 cals), one tortilla with lean pork and veggies and cheese (230, -46, or 20%, for purging) and 1 bowl of cereal. (I'm saying 400, but it's really more like 200, -40 for purging) 576 in total, and I think I could take about 100 off that anyway because I counted the cereal wrong. Also, it's freezing, using up lots of calories too! Hooray!

I love the feeling of being thin...when I was walking around today, I could feel the bottom of my ribcage, which is not normal. And when I ate my dinner, I thought that it was going to be delicious because I was hungry, but it turns out it wasn't! And it made me feel bloated and ill. Starving really does get easier the more you do. And I know why too- because you feel numb. When I didn't eat this morning I didn't feel much, like I was walking around in a bubble, but when I ate that apple, boy did I realize how hungry I was! So now I know what it's going to be like, and it's alright. So that's what I'm going to start doing. I know I have the willpower...now I just need to put it into action.

What I'm worried about is my purging, though. I know it's unhealthy. I know that it seriously fucks up your insides. I know that it's not even very effective. So I don't know why I do it. It's getting easier to do, and now every time I see a toilet I feel the need to throw up...that combined with the urge after dinner means that I've started doing it regularly. My throat already hurts a little, and it is absolutely disgusting to stick your fingers down your throat, but I just do it anyway...

I'm so messed up right now. I'm so worried about myself. And I'm so unhappy. There's no stability in my life, and it just keeps getting harder...the stress and the despair and misery is driving me crazy.

At least at school I don't have to worry about it so much, and I'm surrounded by friends which makes it easier, but I just can't tell anyone...it's too hard to. And the workload gets harder and harder...

I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow. And I'm not going to eat very much. Maybe my mind will start to feel numb, too...

5/10/08

2008-10-04T16:51:00.001-07:00

Purged twice today. Once after breakfast, once after I binged on a bowl of cereal. My throat is a little raw now, and it makes me feel sick when I do it, and guilty, but it makes me feel better afterward. Didn't restrict much. Will tomorrow.

I feel horrible, and guilty, and pained, and sad, and very, very overwhelmed. I have so much work to do. I went out today with some of my new friends which was a nice break. Normally I don't think I would because I simply don't have the time, but I felt sort of obligated to because they're new friends so you have to go through the process of socializing, getting to know them, etc. So, although it was fun, it was definitely a waste of time. I have so much work to do. I am so stressed. I am behind in all my classes. I want to get all As. I feel sick. I am worried. I shouldn't be purging, but my god, it feels good. I shouldn't be restricting and worrying, but I can't help it. I'm stressed about school but I can't see that going away anytime soon. My parents think I'm lazy, and they think I spend too much time on Facebook- ha! If only they knew, I go on the computer to look at...well, all this stuff, really. God, I am so stressed. God, I am so sick. But I can't stop.

The funny thing is, before, I used to scorn anorexics and bulimics. I used to think, 'oh, how selfish of them, and how attention-seeking, to make such a big deal about food when there are people out there who would appreciate this so much.' And now, suddenly, I am one. And I completely understand. And I hate it and love it. And I can't help myself.

I'm so stressed right now. So, so stressed. I feel completely overwhelmed. I am extremely emotional and, although I am not having the mood swings I used to, at school I am content until I get stressed (which is often) and at home I am in a constant worried, overwhelmed state of misery.

I feel pathetic writing this blog. My problem's aren't even problems. It makes me feel ridiculous. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

I wish that everything would just go away and I could be happy again. I used to be so happy.

I wish I could stop worrying about food. I wish I could stop worrying about my health. I wish I could stop worrying about schoolwork. I wish I could stop worrying about B. I wish, I wish, I wish...but nothing ever comes true.

I don't think I'll ever lose the amount of weight I want to lose.

I don't think he even wants to talk to me anymore.

I don't think I'll ever get better in school.

I don't think I'll ever make anyone proud of me.

I don't think I'll recover.

I don't think it's going to get any easier.

I don't think the pain is going to go away.

I don't have anyone to talk to, except for B mainly and S a little, but neither understand how I feel and I don't want to bother them because B will get annoyed, and S just doesn't get it.

I feel like a little whiny, angsty middle class teenage wannarexic writing this.

But I know it's so much more than that.

I know a lot of people complain about wannarexics fasting for a day or two and then stopping (in other words, crash dieting) and whining about how the boy they like doesn't like them.

I just wanted to clear this up in case anyone thinks that: I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

I wish I could just be happy again. I wish I could just be happy with my weight and eat what I wanted and not worry.

It seems like the obvious solution, but that is so impossible for me that I have to come up solutions that end up hurting me and the ones I carry about. (like me cutting off any contact with B)

My emotions are just so splayed here...anything that comes into my head I write, so I'm sure it doesn't make any sense at all.

One moment I am so acutely unhappy I just want to cry.

Another moment I am feeling normal, even happy, until I remember again...

One moment I feel so stressed with school that I just want to sit by myself and sleep to forget about it.

Another moment I'm thinking I'm doing well in school, and am feeling pleased with myself and bright and capable.

One moment I don't care, I just want to get on with my life and be happy.

Another moment I care so much, and am just so unhappy because he's the one stable person in my life who actually cares and has always cared.

One moment I think that I need to stop, that this is serious, that I am spending too much time thinking and worrying and that I do have anorexia, maybe even verging onto bulimia now, and that this is a serious problem.

Another moment I'm thinking, do I really have a disorder? Or is this just attention seeking, or maybe even just normal behaviour?

I'm confused. I don't know. And I'm worried. And stressed. And overwhelmed. And emotional.

I keep on listening to Oasis. Their songs are so touching right now, I feel like I want to cry whenever I hear them:

Wonderwall, Oasis

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I
Would like to say to you

But I don't know how
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me

I need a wonderwall. But the only person who can do this is myself. Lonely me, friendly on the outside, happy on the outside, with the lots of friends on the outside, but cold and empty on the inside with lots of problems with no one who can help me fight me.

3/10/08

2008-10-03T15:04:00.000-07:00

I am having...such a hard time dealing with everything right now.

I feel sick. I am just obssessed with posting here. Every day I feel sick to my stomach, sick to my heart, until I can finally get on the computer and post all my emotions and read all my blogs and surf all my sites.

I hate this. I feel obligated to post and it makes me feel sick, but when I don't I just feel worse. Argh. I wish I could fix this...but I can't.

Today I purged. I've only purged once in my life before, but today I purged twice. The second time was a failure, but that doesn't mean that I didn't stick my fingers don't my throat and gagged up acid. Just because I didn't throw up food doesn't mean that I knelt over the toilet and felt my fingernails scratch the back of my throat, just because nothing came up doesn't mean I did something that I promised only a few days ago that I would never do.

I. am. such. a. failure. And I cannot stop.

Right now...right now, I am binging. In between writing, I am binging. I am fat. FAT FAT FAT. I cannot, I cannot fix this. It is driving me insane. I am so stressed right now. School is hard. My work is impossible. I am going out tomorrow with some friends, but I know I will feel bad about not revising. I am just glad it's the weekend. Because, even though I love, love, love school, there are moments when I feel like I just want to curl up and cry because my stress and pain is suddenly so acute. This feeling becomes normal when I am at home, and I get so stressed out I binge and binge until I could just die.

I am worried about everything. I feel like I am out of control with my life and it is just moving to fast for me and that I have no real strong pillar to help me through this. I know B is there for me, but I have just had confirmation that he liked/s this other girl at his school, which is what I suspected. I get the feeling that I know how he feels; you can be attracted to someone else while still really loving the other person, but it still hurts. I just feel so pathetic. I am a pathetic, worthless, fat, ugly person and I feel sickened just thinking about myself. Argh.

I know what is causing me this stress. I know that this is a problem, that I am obsessing over it waaaay too much, and I know that it is causing me hardship and pain. But I just. cannot. stop. Even with support, even with help from my friends, from B, I just cannot stop. It's like I want to hurt myself. It feels like I want to hurt myself. I hurt myself with this; I hurt my body by fluctuating what I eat by bingeing and restricting (no, I am not a yo-yo dieter), I hurt my body by exercising too much, I hurt my mind by thinking about this too much, by thinking about school too much, by thinking about B too much. God, I am such a disappointment. God, I am a wreck.

I can make more of an effort. When there is food out, I don't have to eat it. I can hide my eating habits from my friends, I can follow my plans and I can do better. And I will. Because right now, this is my salvation. I am dedicated to being skinny. My stress is overbearing, and I may not be able to control what happens in my life, but this is something I can and will control.

I am a fat, pathetic, slovenly, worthless, ugly person and I cannot do anything about this except continue, because even though this is a cause this is also my life, and I cannot change it, even though I promised him. Even though it is making me unhappy. Even though it is making everyone worried about me.

It sounds like a paradox, right? This life is causing me pain, so I get more dedicated to it? I don't understand it either. I just know that right now, I have to continue, because I cannot stop. And while it hurts and confuses me, I can't do anything else right now. Because if I try to 'recover', I will feel worse and fail.

I'll just continue, and starve on.

2/10/08

2008-10-02T11:52:00.000-07:00

Right.

I am officially torn.

I cannot decide.

And it's driving me insane.

It's weird...

now that I'm supposed to be 'recovering', I notice food a lot more. And worse, I feel like I have the right to eat it.

When I eat it, I feel sick. And I feel disgusting, and slovenly. It makes me feel out of control, which I am, because I'm eating. And when I eat, I eat a lot. Which is why I have been binging out of control for the last 2 days.

God, I hate myself.

If this is supposed to be making me feel better, it's not working. At all.

I can't give up this lifestyle. This lifestyle is my life.

I know the routine...I binged, so now I'm going to completely restrict for a long, long time. Every now and then I just go crazy, and then I stop myself again. But now, I feel like I should be going crazy eating, because that's supposed to make me 'better.'

What is better, anyway? Eating normally? Or losing the mindset?

What people don't understand is that anorexia is not just about not eating. Anorexia is a mindset. Anorexia is a lifestyle. It's not just about eating more, not counting calories, etc. It's about losing the mindset. And it's hard to lose the mindset. It's impossible. Even though I'm eating more, I would still consider myself anorexic because I am so obssessive about it. Most of my day is consumed with thinking about it. Every day, in my spare time I think about food, about going to exercise, mentally adding up my approximate calorie count for the day, how much I burnt, what I should eat, tricks to make me not hungry, eyeing up girls to see if they are ana, tricks for not making people notice, if what I am doing is wrong, if I should give it up and be 'healthy' or stay like this and keep going.

I don't know. I can't 'recover.' I may eat more, but it's not just about curing my weight, it's about curing my mind. Which is impossible.

Arrrrrrrrgh.

I feel like I am going to cry.

Everything is so stressful. I hate this.

School is hard...the work is insane. I can't keep up. Today I got 60% on my test. FUCKING 60%! That is the LOWEST I have ever gotten! And I want to get an A in that class! What the fuck is wrong with me?

Home life is hard...my parents keep on yelling at me to try harder, so I can get into the best universities. And they just yell and yell and yell...not only about that, but everything.

And my mom keeps on telling me how pathetic I am, about everything, and God knows that she can aim! She always picks at my weak spots, and it just kills me.

And B wants me to get better. Did I ever explain about that? I guess I didn't. I'll explain now.

Friday night: we're talking, and I'm at a complete crossroad.

If I go left, I'll recover, stop thinking about it, start eating more and continue a 'normal' life as if it never happened. I'm thinking that I can't bear to let him know I'm ana, because I don't want him to be disgusted by me, or ashamed of me, or disappointed in me, and to stop loving me. B has a very high opinion of me. He's the only one who has been there for me. By letting him know I'm ana, I thought I would stop that.

If I go right, I continue- this is the point where I know that I can either go full-blown or get better. Everything is urging me to go left, but I am just yearning and yearning to go right. I can't give this up- it is my lifestyle, it is my life. It is the only thing I completely control. Even if my life just crumbles, I lose all my friends and all those I love, even when I am stressed beyond my mind, I can still choose what to put in my mouth. And I love that.

So, I decided to go right. I tell B that I don't think we should talk anymore. And then it comes true, he says fine, good luck, goodbye and blocks me. He's incredibly hurt, shocked and is absolutely furious. So suddenly I realize that I'm actually doing this horrible thing to the one person I love, who has always been there for me, and we're parting on such bad terms that I can't bear to do it anymore (crazy, I know, I'm insane) and then I have to persuade him to unblock me so we can sort it out, even though I don't know what to say or what to do, because I'm still at these crossroads (this is how I ended up telling S btw) and then finally he lets me talk to him, and I try to explain as much as I can without saying I am ana because I still can't bear to say it. And he, of course, doesn't understand that I didn't want to make him worry, or hurt him, or have him be disgusted or appalled by me because I haven't told him, so we part on bad terms.

The next day, we're talking again, and this time it's in a bit more detail because he was so angry the night before, and I'm telling him that there are some things that I don't want him to deal with. And then he brings up how his/my friends at school have told him that they are worried about me. Because I am so, so obsessed. And this is when I know I have to tell him. So, to make a long story short, he tells me to promise that I will try to beat this (and I did) and that he will try to help me. And he is not disappointed with me, is not disgusted with me, and he still loves me and cares about me. But he wants me to beat this.

So, that is what happened. And I am still here, thinking FUCK because I can't beat this. This is my life, and I cannot. I think about it all the time. I think about it when I am eating, and swallowing my food, knowing that I am disgusting and can practically feel it condensing into fat around my waist, around my thighs, around my bum until I am just a big fat disgusting slob. Yesterday when I was in the bath, I looked down and felt the fat under my neck turn into a double chin. When I walk, sometimes my inner thighs brush against each other. When I sit down, sometimes my stomach spills over my jeans in little rolls.

I am 5 ft 2, and 110 pounds. I should be 90. That is my GW. People tell me I am skinny all the time, but I am not. I am FAT.

How can I recover with this mentality?

30/9/08

2008-09-30T13:32:00.000-07:00

Right.

Basically, told B, and he has made me promise I will stop and I have to tell him how everything is going. S also knows, and all my friends at school are worried and probably have some idea but don't officially know, so everyone is going to keep an eye on me anyway. And I can't try anything anyone, because I promised B.

But...I really want to. And it's hard.

Now that I'm 'recovering', it's getting harder for me to eat. Harder! It's weird. I look at food with a sort of renewed attention because I know I should be eating it, but every time I do eat something I feel like I'm going to throw up. It's hard because I want everyone to stop worrying about me, but I also want to stay slim...and get slimmer.

But I promised B. Argh, conscience!

Classic example of wanting to have my cake and eat it too. I see so many girls who are so much thinner than me, and it just makes me sick...

I don't know why every time I eat something, I feel like I'm going to throw up. It's weird. I never had it before.

If B hadn't intervened, I probably would be liquid fasting by now, I feel such a lack of appetite.

My mother and brother are driving me insane. They yell at me ALL THE TIME. I can't take it. I'm never good enough for them. I'm too ugly, too fat, too stupid, don't have enough friends (untrue) and am too pathetic. I wish I could say, 'what's so great about you? How dare you tell me this, when everything I do is for everyone else?' But I can't. So it just makes me less hungry. I just want to be empty inside....

I made a promise to B, but I can't give this up. It's my lifestyle. I don't know what to do.

Ugh...

26/9/08

2008-09-26T15:32:00.000-07:00

Fuck. I just fucked EVERYTHING up with everyone.

I told B I didn't think it was a good idea not to talk anymore, and he has just completely cut me off and now I realize that I can't do it without him.

I have now had to admit to S EVERYTHING- yes, including this- and am hoping that mine and B can talk at least a little bit again.

So now he knows, and B will know, and they will never think of me in the same way again.

Fuck.

Will keep you posted.

25/9/08

2008-09-25T12:48:00.000-07:00

First of all, a shout out to all my commenters...thanks for the support, when I read all your comments it really made my day and kept me going. Thank you, I really appreciate it :)

Anyways, recent updates...first of all just a rant about personal stuff. I've been just so messed up recently, it's terrible, terrible. One minute I'm up, the other I'm down, I just can't control it. My mood will switch literally in a second. For example, I was having a really good day today when suddenly in Biology a little voice in my head just whispered...'I can't take it anymore.' And then my mood just sunk. Really. And I felt horrible, and sick, and all I wanted to do was go run away and cry somewhere. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just don't, I don't.

I talked to B yesterday :( I know. And, although I know it shouldn't bother me, it does because he's just so happy. And God knows I want him to be happy, but...I don't know. I think it bothers me that he's just so free and bright, and I'm just so miserable and unhappy inside. I want him to worry about me, but at the same time I don't. I don't know...I just feel so lonely. Which is funny, really, because on the outside I'm just that bright, confident girl with the beautiful smile and bright eyes that's always up for a chat. But on the inside I'm cold and empty and lonely, unable to confide in anyone (except for the Internet, and B), who has self-esteem issues and is just...unhappy. Lol, mood swing, I was feeling quite happy for a moment before I re-read what I wrote. But that's how I feel most of the time.

When I was talking to him on msn, he said that we should meet up sometime again soon, and that we should have a nice, long proper chat. I'm worried because I think we have, so I'm worried he has something to tell me. New girlfriend, maybe? Talks about this girl called Amy a lot, I know. I don't know what I feel about him anymore. I don't want to go out with him, I just want him to be there for me. Just like more than friends, but nothing labelled. I want him to care about me. He's the only person I know who really and truly cares about me, who's always been there for me, who loves me despite my problems and issues...except this one. I think if he read my blog, he'd be appalled and disgusted. When he said we should meet up, I nearly told him and said, 'I don't know how to say this' (I was going to say to him, 'I don't think we should talk anymore because I don't want you to see what I'm becoming', but I don't want to get caught) but never did in the end and got sort of hysterical when he told me to tell him. So he said, 'I'm just trying to say I'm always here for you, like I always have been, and you can ring me any time' and I got even more hysterical and started saying, 'no, no, no, I don't want to, I'm so sorry, so sorry for everything' and then quickly went offline.

He shouldn't put up with me. He's always so worried about me, it makes me sick to my stomach. I want him to care, but I don't want him to care. I half like him worrying about me because I feel cared for, but the other half feels cruel and pathetic for making him worry. And this was on the night of his Fresher's ball, too, so I know I sort of ruined the night for him. I'm sure he had a great time anyway, but still...how could I do that to him!? God, I'm so fucked up...I want to say to him, 'Why? Why did you love me? How could you even care about me? Why am I so special to you? How could you even like me, let alone have loved me?' He cares about me, so much, and worries about me, so much. I want him to be there for me, so I can just rely on him and spill out all my problems, but I know it's selfish. One half of me wants him to be there for me, always, because he's so great and understanding and so reliable, but the other half wants me to tell him, 'Just leave! Just leave and forget about me. Forget I ever existed. Forget about what you feel for me and go out with Amy, go to your college and just leave so I won't make you worry and hurt you anymore. I don't deserve your sympathy. I'm just a pathetic, whiny girl with too many problems that are not even problems, and too many issues that are not even issues. What have I ever added to your life? You're better off without me' and then just deal with myself by myself. But I don't know. I just don't know.

Even worse, while I was talking to him, my mom kept on wandering over and seeing what I was doing. Now, most of the time I really adore my mom, but sometimes she crosses the line way, way too much. Her and my brother were a major reason for me and B breaking up, actually. So she knew I was talking to him, and as she was going upstairs she said to me in this horrible, snide, bitchy tone, 'You know, you shouldn't even be talking to B anyway. HE DUMPED YOU, REMEMBER? You're not his GIRLFRIEND anymore. Get over it. Make your own friends (which I have done, I have loads of friends at my new school which is really great; as much as I sound like a lonely depressed kid here I'm actually the polar opposite in 'real life') and get a life. You're just being lame and pathetic.' When I heard that, it about killed me. I felt like I was going to explode with anger and sadness. I was actually shaking when I got into bed. Although they don't know it (obviously) my mother is one of the main, if not the main source for my painful self-esteem, security and ED. My family causes a lot of issues for me, and as much as I love them, I really do wish that they were not so involved in my life. I used to confide in my mother, all the time, but now I have realized that I can't tell her everything because she throws it back at you. When I heard that my emotions were completely confused, but the only thing I wanted to do is purge, purge, purge. I tried, but couldn't- I can never throw up, even when I want to- so I ended up just going to bed shaking. And I'm going into London to visit this university thingy with her, instead of seeing my friends which I really, really need to right now. I hate it, I hate this, I hate myself, I hate everything. Argh.

On the plus side, and most importantly for this blog, I'm doing really well! I would have done even better if I hadn't given in to eating all that cereal, but still!

Here's a list of what I ate:

1/3 cup porrige (100)
1 serving blueberries (80)
1 serving mangoes (60)
1 salted egg (100)
1 serving soup (52)
1 chocolate rice crispy thing (50)
2 dark chocolates (100)
1 serving cereal (120)
1 bite choc muffin (20)
few bites PBJ (50)
1 bowl soup + noodles (135)
1 plum (30)

And I burnt 200 or 300 at the gym, either one but am going to say 200 just in case. So, all in all....about 700 calories! May sound like absolutely loads to some of you, but it's definitely better for me. And I'm going to cut out the cereal, and all the junk tomorrow. All the sweets I mentioned are not usual; it was someone's birthday and as a rule, I tend to let myself eat then because it's not part of my schedule. So I'm pleased! I definitely have to restrict tomorrow, too, because I know that I won't have enough time to work out. So I'll let myself feel the pain and feel good about it, too.

More problems, though: my friends saw my food journal and freaked out, and they found out that I didn't eat my PBJ today for lunch either. So they are worried. And S might tell B. I sort of want him to, so he can say to me that I have to stop, that he's worried about me. So I know he cares about me. But I don't want him to worry about me, because I don't want him to not be happy. But I do, because then I know he cares about me, but I know it's selfish. I'm so confused. Ugh. That's pathetic, I know. I'm pathetic. I just hate myself so much I want to hurt myself. So I hurt my body. I love the feeling of going up to the vending machine and buying myself a tiny little cup of soup, 52 cals, and knowing that people would be appalled because it makes me feel disciplined. But I hate it, too. What I want is to hide all my problems so no one realizes. And then I can put on a happy front again and be happy. But I know they are already worried about me, and B is worried about me because he is worried I'm unhappy, that my family is stressing me out, and any fears that my/his friends (we share the same circle) tell him. Argh. This is too hard. I can't lie to him. I can't not lie to him. I can't talk to him. I can't not talk to him. My ED is the only thing I feel good about in my life, but it's causing me issues. But I can't let it go, because I love it. I just need to hide it, but I can't. It's almost as if I can't help hinting about it around people, so I know they'll be worried. I want them to notice, but hate it when they do. I think what I want is for them to notice a little bit, but not get properly worried. Argh. I just need someone supportive to read my post and tell me what to do. My issues are getting waaay out of whack.

Anyway, more positively, a tip for anyone with cravings! Make an ana bracelet- not only will it help identify you to others, but it will help with hunger. It will help remind you when you are about to eat not to, and also it helps if you have put some accessories on it. I added some butterflies on mine. It makes it more pretty and therefore more like a 'fashion accessory', but it also helps when you are hungry. This is because you can always grab it when you get a craving. My butterflies are actually quite sharp, so the edges dig into my skin. It is painful, but in a good way, and it helps distract you and reminds you what you are working for. And it is definitely less obvious than carrying around a thinspo picture with you as well ;)

Stay strong, starve on to anyone who's reading...be stronger than me. Be a better person than me. You can do it. Remember, anything is possible...

23/9/08

2008-09-23T12:55:00.000-07:00

Although today wasn't much better than usual, my outlook is so completely more positive. Today I had breakfast, a tiny little bit less than usual, and then at break I had a miniscule cup of soup which is 52 calories. I had my normal lunch plus the same soup, and then I exercised at the gym for 45 minutes. After that I had a serving of cereal which outdid what I did at the gym, went home and had a big dinner consisting of a bowl of white rice and three medium sized spicy meatballs. I know, it doesn't sound good in any way at all, but I'm feeling so positive about this that I just know it will get better. I'm so glad I've found that soup. I'll just start eating it every day for lunch, and will just chew gum in the meantime to stop me feeling so very hungry. I want to start slow at first, start exercising, eat normally, then restrict just a little bit at a time until finally my 'normal' is really, really cut down. Hopefully by that time I'll have lost weight, and then I'll just see what to do from there. I'm going to start going to the gym every day, and will cut out my lunch too. However, there are some problems:

I am very poor. Soup costs 50p each which sounds like nothing, but really for me it is quite expensive a day
My mom makes me lunch every day. It'll make me feel bad to waste her food
I don't know how to start restricting breakfast and dinner; my family is very observant and will definitely notice me not eating as much
My friends are very, very, very observant and already are worried and alerted about me
I'm quite new to this and am not sure what to do; I think my plan is alright, but is there anything that could make it easier or more effective?

I already felt that feeling of sweet, sweet emptiness at break when I had my soup, and after the gym when I had a snack but knew I had the power to keep my stomach empty...oh, how it made me smile, knowing that I have the choice whether or not to put that food in my mouth! And how it made me laugh to walk past the Digestives when I was hungry! (normally I'm addicted to Digestives and eat like, 10 of them at a time) I know it doesn't sound like I did very well today, but I feel good and have the mentality and discipline. I don't want to completely plummet, because I'm worried it will affect my metabolism (I don't know if that's a myth or not) and, more importantly, I am worried my family and friends will noticed and make me eat and ruin my plans.

Here is what used to be my daily schedule:

wake up at 6.30, brush teeth, maybe drink a glass of water and stretch
go downstairs, eat a bowl of porridge made from 1/3 cup wheatbran and 2 servings of fruit
go to the bus, go to school, classes etc
break is at 11.15-11.35, may eat something, may not. Have been eating about 250 cals worth of dark chocolate though, but that is easy to cut out
classes again until 12.40-1.45 which is lunch, where I normally eat a peanut butter and jam/jelly depending on whether or not you're British with 2 pieces altogether of toast (calorically dense, I know)
school ends, get back on the bus to go home, tend to graze (a lot) and then have dinner which is usually healthy and relatively small; one bowl of white rice + whatever is being served
may graze again before going to sleep

I know I can cut out everything at school, but I don't want to waste those sandwiches and I don't think there's any way around them. I could ask her to make me a different lunch, but she gets suspicious and I can't make my own lunch because then she'll definitely suspect and won't let me. What I want to do is go to school, chew gum all day, eat a piece of fruit or something at break and the soup at lunch and then go to the gym. I know that as I go along, I'll be able to restrict that. However, I think my main problem is at breakfast and dinner, especially dinner. I don't really know how to stop eating like I normally do, because my family will notice.

Any tips or advice would be much appreciated! :)

22/9/08

2008-09-22T12:03:00.000-07:00

I just though I'd record that today at 6.25pm I put on the red bracelet.

I have now officially started my new life.

I have been...so tired...of living like this. Every day is a struggle, every day is painful because I try and try and always fail. Every day is a constant battle, and I've decided that I just won't live like this anymore.

Putting on this bracelet is a symbol of my commitment.

I'm starting slow at first, but I'll get there soon. I already have tasted- maybe not the best choice of words, but the only ones I can think of- some of that beautiful life, after I'm done exercising or not eating. That feeling of emptying your body and becoming pure again...that feeling of knowing you're resisting temptation for the better....and becoming a better, higher, elevated person as a result. Knowing that no matter what happens in your life, you have control over this, and that control makes you beautiful.

This brings me to my second choice...I'm thinking about cutting off any sort of relationship with B, which basically means no contact at all. Even as I'm writing this, I'm feeling the urge to just stop and erase it all, but I know I can't. Because I really, really care about him, so much, and I know that if he knew what I was doing now that he would be so worried about me, and so hurt. And that's the worst sort of pain that someone can feel, the pain of knowing someone is doing something wrong, and the bewilderment and sense of helplessness of knowing there is nothing you can do to stop them while you watch it progress. The pain of ignorance, and I don't want to hurt him, ever, because he means so much to me. Yesterday I was talking to him, and I asked him if he thought that omitting the truth was the same as lying to someone and he said yes. I asked him if he would be hurt if I lied to him and he said, yes, very. I asked him if he thought and worried about me a lot, and he said yes, and that he worries about me being happy. Which makes me so terribly, terribly sad because I know that he's telling me the truth, and I can't bring myself to omit the truth from him because he considers it lying and I can never, never lie to him, yet I can't bring myself to tell him either because I know it will hurt him, and therefore me, because he'll be so worried.

So I guess the only way is to cut off contact. Maybe I'll be able to do it, maybe I won't. Well...I say maybe, but I don't want him to stop thinking about me, or caring about me, but I think I also have too little faith in him. I guess it's selfish of me. Part of me wants to admit everything, because I know he's the only person who can really 'help' me, but I don't want his help at the same time because it's not really help. I want his support without telling him why, even though I know that's impossible because I know that if I talk to him, I'll feel so bad about what he considers lying to him that I'll have to admit it, which will therefore result in him worrying like crazy about me and telling all of his/my friends to look after me, making it into a bigger deal than it really is and me getting pushed back into the vicious battle. It may also result in my parents finding out, who will definitely, definitely not understand and will just think I'm another pathetic teenage angst-y girl, and it may also result in my college finding out which will also affect my future. That is, in the worst case scenario. So either way, it's too big a risk. I have to find the strength to do this. In my opinion, Ana is all about the strength of the mind (discipline, self-control, willpower, strength) over strength of the body (urges, fatigue, hunger, pain), so this will be my first big break.

I want to do this. I want to be that skinny girl who can control herself, even when she can't control her life. This is not about weight loss, this is about purity, this is about discipline. Which is why his 'help' is useless, except for making me feel better because I know someone out there really, really cares about me.

I put on the bracelet, today. I have to make the first break, and everything afterward will be unimportant comparatively afterward. Physical pain is nothing compared to emotional pain.

I put on the bracelet. My life starts, today.

20/9/08

2008-09-20T14:24:00.000-07:00

I feel so sick with myself. I am too undisciplined. Nothing, nothing ever works with me. I used to be so good. I used to be able to eat without binging. I used to like knowing that I was eating smaller and smaller portions, I used to like knowing that I could expect one of my favourite meals a week away, because it gave me something to look forward too. But now I just can't. When I'm hungry, I'll eat. When I'm full, I'll eat more. When there's food around, I'll eat it, even if I find it disgusting. For instance, today. Today was just a huge mess. I had originally been planning only to eat dinner. This plan failed when I went downstairs, craved some peanut butter and dipped my finger- yes, dipped my finger- into the jar to get some. It filled me up pretty well, all 180 calories of it, and I thought that would be it until dinner. But no, my mom comes downstairs and tells me to eat some toast. No way out of it, I thought, so I had some toast PLUS jam and MORE peanut butter! So, probably more calories than my normal breakfast, and more unhealthy. Still, feeling alright, so I go into town after drinking lots of coffee to suppress my appetite. Go into town, meet my friend, have about 150 cals worth of raisins, but still feeling alright. Then we go to Costa and I have a few bites of chocolate cake, and also finish off his frescato as well as my coffee and milk and sugar. But, I think, it's only a little bit so I'm still feeling alright. I walked all day, suppressed my appetite relatively well, and wasn't planning on eating when I got home. I walked home, maybe 2-3 miles, feeling good. Walked in the door, changed, went downstairs.

And that's where it went really wrong.

As soon as I got downstairs, I couldn't resist one teensy weensy little digestive worth 120 calories. Then we had dinner, albeit a healthy one, of pasta, olive oil, anchovies, broccoli and red peppers. Had a modest serving, about half a plateful. Then went back to get more broccoli. Feeling more full. Then went back again to get another half a plateful. I'm stuffed now, so I finally stop. Then, I can't resist another digestive. That's 240 calories of digestives. I know I'm being a pig, an utter pig, so I break it into little bits and stuff it into my mouth. And then- this is the worst bit, as if it isn't bad enough- I'm bored so I make cinnamon bread. Cinnamon bread, just loaded with sugar, milk, eggs and all the shit that makes you fatter and fatter and fatter. So I'm stirring the batter, and I can't resist a little taste. I put too much sugar in, but I don't care. And then suddenly I'm binging, scooping spoonfuls of the stuff into my mouth, knowing that I'm appalling and fat but I can't stop. Finally I do, after about FIVE HUGE SPOONFULS of the stuff, so I put it in the oven. Then, when I take it out, the bottom comes off when I take the fucking bread out of the pan. By now I know my plan's been ruined, and I fucked my whole day up, so I think that I may as well finish it badly. I scrap off the stuff that was stuck to the bottom and eat it. It's disgusting, burnt yet sweet, not a good mix but I keep on eating and eating it. And it's crumbly, so all the little bits keep coming off, but I just pick them up again and eat it until all is gone. And then I come on here and nearly cry because I fucked up and I'm fucked up and everything just fucked up for me because I am soooo undisciplined.

*sob*

19/9/08

2008-09-19T12:34:00.001-07:00

I'm so fat I disgust myself :( I have to do my homework now. I'll vent later.

18/9/08

2008-09-18T12:20:00.000-07:00

Argh! I am just so undisciplined. I actually hate, hate, hate myself. Every day I binge...and binge more. Dammit, this was supposed to be my thin week! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!? I eat absolutely TONS when I get home. Today I got home, ate a peach, 2 slices of baloney, 4 slices of swiss cheese and like, 4 slices of ham. That should be a MEAL for me, and then I had dinner (which fortunately was healthy, but I would have eaten just as much if it wasn't!)

Thank God it's Friday tomorrow...I had been having an excellent week, but everything seemed to just fall apart today. I've met a lot of new people, including these 2 girls that I'll call R and G, who are really nice but we haven't yet properly passed the line from class friends to proper friends who hang out together at lunch and stuff. I also know this girl called J a bit, and another girl who is alright (an eco nut, though, which I despise) and then of course I have my BFF who I'll call BRD who is also feeling out of sorts, much more than me. That's all the girls I really know. I have met tons and tons of guys, but that actually makes me feel quite bad. I really want gfs again. By the end of secondary school, I wasn't at all friends with my old gfs and only had BRD. So I thought I'd make lots of new gfs in my new school, but it doesn't seem to be working that well. I have to see R and G tomorrow; I'm sure I will anyway because we're in double maths together. I suppose it's quite good for just starting a school that I've made a little friends with them already, as we eat together sometimes and stuff and most of the people here are still in their school groups, but most of the time I'm in my school group too. So I am feeling rather bad. I think it's just a low day, but it seemed like everything went wrong today even though when I think back, nothing went much wrong. It's just my perception, I think. Which is a shame, because this week had been going really, really well.

It doesn't help that my family picks apart all my fears. For one, my brother is really annoying and only talks about himself, and clothes, and how great he is and how good it is to be arrogant. (he sounds it but no, he is not gay) My mom is even worse, as she is completely negative and seems to know exactly what to say to upset me. Like, when I was talking to B before, she said in a horribly snide and bitchy tone, 'why are you still talking to him anyway? I thought your relationship was over. Still trying to play the helpless girlfriend?' which is just SO low to hit. Also, she keeps on nagging me about not making gfs, which is still a sore spot for me because I'm trying to, but it's always harder to make good gfs than guy friends right away, isn't it? And she keeps on nagging and nagging me about my weight! Yes, I know I have been uber binging recently, and I know I've probably gained weight, but it is just SO HARD not to, and it makes it harder when she brings it up!

It's almost like my body WANTS to hurt itself. I surf pro ana sites all the time, but it just makes me feel bad, and I just eat and eat and eat even though I'm not hungry. My friends are worried about me, especially S, the lovely boy, and I both crave and hate the attention. B worries about me too...I want him to and don't want him to. I think I want to save myself, and have him tell me it's alright, which he does...but I can't. He's so stable. I was talking to him yesterday and he's just so lovely. He's always there for me. He always worries about me taking care of myself. Oh, B! I asked him if he would be hurt if I lied/omitted important details to him, and he said yes, very, which makes me feel so bad. If only you knew how obsessed I was...I think it would really upset you. Lol, would you love me as much if you knew how neurotic I was? But I don't want him to know. I don't want him to think of me like this...so who can I talk to? Not BRD, she wouldn't understand. I think about it all the time. It's an obsession, but a terrible one. I have the mindset, just not the action. I think I'm going to do it soon. One of my fantasies is going on 2468 and having that empty, hungry belly...I want to lose weight. I just keep on getting sidetracked. I'm going to start chewing gum to make myself less hungry. I fantasise about it all the time. I don't know what to do. I think soon I'm going to just plunge into not eating, after all this bingeing...

I need to be more positive. I just got texted from R about the maths, so good! =) I'm doing alright. Tomorrow I'm going to bring two servings of raisins, which are 260 calories altogether, and eat them all day so I don't feel hungry. This is normally what I eat every day:

Breakfast- 1/3 cup oatmeal + 2 servings of fruit (125 + 60 + 60 =245 cals)
Lunch- 3 slices toast + peanut butter + jelly (180 + 260 + 30= 470 cals)
Dinner- whatever's being served, 500 cals maybe?
Snack- I'm thinking 500-1000, if I'm being honest.

Which is...over 2000. I need to constrict. Majorly. I'm going to start going to the gym, which will defo help, and I'm going to stop eating so much for dinner to start with. I want to majorly crunch, right away, but I just can't. My mind...it's too hard. So I'm going to start drinking tea and coffee all the time, chew gum and eat raisins all day. Then I won't be hungry when I get home. And then I can restrict dinner. And then I can restrict lunch. And then, if I'm really good, I can start skipping lunch. And then I can start really restricting dinner. Lol, my friends would be so worried about me if they knew. S and D already think I'm borderline and don't eat enough. Like hell I don't eat enough! I'm thinking about cutting it by half...

14/9/08

2008-09-14T12:58:00.000-07:00

Just started sixth form, so I haven't had the time to post. It is SO HARD! The work is insane, and not only do I not get it, but I am one of the few who don't. I got 5 A*s, 4 As and 2 Bs on my GCSEs, which was one of the best grades in my school. I have regularly met people who have gotten 7 or mor A*s, sometimes even 13 A*s! So, feeling stupid much? I've met some nice people around, including some HK Chinese ones so yay! Not really properly friends with them yet, but am getting to know them so that is good. Talked to my ex, I'll call him B from now on, which was good. He says he's glad everything got sorted and that we took a break so we could sort out our feelings, and said he still feels the same for me as before. (admittedly, I did ask him and I think he got a little bit annoyed because he said, 'I thought we sorted this out.') Which is good. Now that I've started a new school I've been a little bit more whack than usual, and without him (as a boyfriend or not) I am completely unstable. He is actually my pillar of stability. People tend to like my kookiness, but not many people know how out of control I get when I'm stressed. So really, although no one really knows it, I'm less kooky than completely neurotic and am getting really, really OCD. I also totally stress binged this week. It was terrible. I ate peanut butter, cookies, cereal, just TONS of carbs and it was disgusting. I would come home after barely eating all day and eat, eat, eat, eat, eat. I feel nauseous even now. But tomorrow is a new week, I'm joining the school gym, am getting my work sorted, making new friends and DEFINITELY eating well this week! Now that I'm getting sorted and even more so now that I've got my pillar back, I'll be definitely more disciplined. Health fast, anyone?

5/9/08

2008-09-05T14:17:00.000-07:00

Right, no more posting about personal stuff for the moment. I seem to be writing only about that bad, but I suppose you write to get your thoughts out, eh? Anyway, it's nowhere near as bad as it sounds; everything is actually fine, but I'm a little bit neurotic so it helps to get all my thoughts out. A lot of good has been coming my way, too! For example, Ana is back! That is good news for me. Her blog is the best thinspiration I can have. Also, it's Autumn now, which makes me happy :) For England, Autumn is the best season. It's drizzly and dark and cold, which means I can wear my lovely clothes and bundle up. I also get to wear my Autumn pyjamas and use double duvets, as well as wake up to crisp, cool air which always inspires me to work out. I'm starting sixth form on Monday too, which is really, really exciting as it's a new school, fresh start sort of thing. There's a ton of activites to do there, which I'll definitely take advantage of, one of the most important being the gym ;) I'm also quite pleased with myself because I restricted my eating to about 1350 calories approx. :O Now I'm really, really disappointed. When I added it up a second ago it was 860, but now it's gone up by so much!! Good thing I checked! Yesterday I went out to eat with my friend, who is now very worried about me and made me eat some bread with butter (grr!) He's the loveliest guy ever, and I'm sure he's forgotten by now, but I'll have to be careful when I'm around him. Anyway, my day! I'm defo going to restrict tomorrow ;)

Breakfast- 1/3-1/2 cup oatmeal + 2 servings blueberries + 1 serving peaches + honey + peanut butter (540)

Lunch- 2 slices cinnamon bread + peanut butter + 1 small bowl milk + cereal (380)

Dinner- 1 tortilla + meat + onions + red peppers + 2 slices cinnamon bread (430)

Exercise- 2 miles jogging + regular exercises + regular stretches

Lots of water and green tea.

Oh my goodness, this is so unfair :( I thought I restricted so much more! I was writing about it and thought it didn't seem right, so I checked and I ate SO MUCH MORE than I thought! No wonder I'm not hungry :( This sucks. Ah well- at least I'm exercising and everything again. It was so dangerous running today. It had just rained, and because we're actually not allowed on the field I run on, I have to jump over this creek. Because it had rained, and there's not really a path but a slope, the ground had turned really muddy and I nearly slipped in. So I got all muddy :( However, something as small as that wasn't going to stop me running, so I did the normal amount :D I don't think I can up the jogging just yet, as 2 miles is still quite tiring for me. I'm upping my regular exercises, though, so that combined with eating less should be alright. I wonder...my breakfast is very healthy for me, but I think the time when I can best restrict is in the mornings. I'm supposed to do a 1/2 cup scoop, but I cut it down to a 1/3 and I think I can start cutting it down to a 1/4. However, if I do, will that just mean I get hungry and eat earlier? I suppose if I have the discipline, I won't let myself eat too much and my appetite will get smaller and smaller...either way, I'll try it tomorrow. I'm defo going to get under 1000 calories tomorrow. Anything over is just appalling for me. They say 2000 calories is natural, but then again there are all different types of women. I shouldn't be eating the same amount of food as, say, a 6 ft woman. Also, I want to be skinnier than the majority of the population. So I'll just keep exercising more and more, and eating less and less, and I should be fine. I'm thinking I would like to start putting pics up of my fat, blobby self but I don't have a camera and there's all the privacy issues as well. For example, I wouldn't like my pics to be photoshopped, and I would simply die if any of my friends found this blog. Which is why I took it off my profile. Either way, it doesn't really matter if I can put my pics up except for inspiration. But hopefully I won't need inspo if I keep it up, because the results should speak for themselves! Whey :)

4/9/08

2008-09-04T14:23:00.000-07:00

I am a bad, bad person. I feel like I should go hide in a hole somewhere and die just because I'm so terrible. Who, two days after they break up with their boyfriend, goes and talks to their ex boyfriend's best friend about their lingerie and then almost reaches the point where they show each other? And, also, if that isn't bad enough, talks to their ex's worst enemy about it (albeit not in detail, but still a little discussion) who still has a thing for you? Evidently me. Argh. It's not as bad as it sounds- we were only discussing that as completely platonic friends, and we both know and admit there is nothing between us. The latter...not so innocent.

I'm still confused as to whether or not my ex has feelings for me. I've reread the conversation, and he did say he loves me and still thinks I'm special, and he said that he loves me as 'more than a friend' whe we talked, yet he also said he wants to go back to being 'close friends.' Although, like I said, his definition of that is more than friends or even possibly, unofficially dating. But then what good does it do to break up? I don't know...argh. Maybe he doesn't feel anything for me at all and just wants to be platonic. In fact, he did say that at one point. However, I do think he still has feelings for me. Which makes me a bad person because I'm pretty sure that he'd be really betrayed if he knew what had happened. *sob*

Breakfast- 2 crumpets + 4 slices melted swiss + 2 slices ham + peppers

Lunch- 2 small bread rolls + butter, 1 glass hot chocolate + milk + full fat cream

Dinner- 1 small serving pasta + broth + 1 serving broccoli + 2 meat and spinach balls + 3 thin slices meat

No exercise. Crap, I know. My friend forced me to eat the bread at lunch because he was worried about me :( Shame, I know. I'll have to do better. Oh...I'm so confused. All I want to know is whether or not he still feels for me...I think he does. But it's still painful. And I'm not letting myself talk to him for a week, and he's not talking to me either. So that's good. We need to get over it. I'm definitely going to do better tomorrow. More exercise + less food = better me

3/9/08

2008-09-03T05:52:00.001-07:00

Me and my boyfriend broke up. Which is hard. He initiated, but it was mutual. Pretty much- I probably wouldn't have broken up with him right away, but I knew something was wrong and I even told him, if he didn't break up with me now, I would have broken up with him soon. He actually told me he wanted to break up on the 1st, but it was so late I couldn't post and yesterday was just too hard. It was completely amicable, and we're still friends, best friends, but still it's...hard. It's only been 3 months, and 1 of those months I was away (although we kept in contact), but it feels so much longer because we've practically been together for so long. He said that it had everything to do with Friday, the last time we saw each other as bf/gf. At one point I went all cold and silent, because he was trying to pressure me, but I thought we got it all sorted out. However, I do understand his feelings- at the time I also had the feeling that it was final, and I had been listening to breakup music all weekend and felt like I could relate to it, and now I can. It's awful, though, because we have been friends (and he has liked me) for so long, 3 years, and now we just don't know where to go.

The worst thing is it isn't clean- if he had told me he didn't love me anymore, or he found someone else, or he just didn't want to, I could get over it. But he tells me he still loves me, as much as before, and thinks I'm special (I know, it sounds like I'm being naive but he means it), and I feel the same way and we both know it and have discussed it. And...don't know where to go. He says he wants to go back to the way we were before we were going out, as what he calls 'close friends.' But his definition of 'close friends' is friends with feelings for each other, and he actually just thought of us officially going out was just putting a title on what we already had. But that's not true! Before we were going out, we were never as close as we were, both physically and mentally (maybe not in his opinion mentally, but definitely physically.)

He said that it's my choice and although we can't go out again he wants me to be happy, whether or not we go more or less than 'close friends', it's my choice. He knows my views about going too far before marriage and respects them, so he also said that it would be an added benefit if we did, but he's not expecting it. The problem is, what I basically want is everything to go back to what it was before Friday, but something did change on Friday and although I wouldn't have made the decision to break up, something did happen. I still want the closeness, both physically (and by this I mean things like holding hands, snuggling, kissing, maybe more sometimes) and mentally. However, I don't feel like I can do those things without being his girlfriend, because I said I feel like I'm 'giving it away', to which he asked, 'what do you want in return?' Although I couldn't think of the answer at the time, I know it now- commitment. I don't want to be in a FWB relationship, because although he didn't ask for that, that's what it is to me because I still want to pull and...stuff. But I can't do that as FWB because I feel like there's no security, and we can't go out again...so I think the answer is, we can only be close friends with no physical intimacy between us. Which is a problem.

When we met up yesterday to talk about all this (what I've written is what we talked about), it was really difficult because when we sat down we were just as close as we were when we were a couple. We snuggled, held hands; he had his arm around my waist and I had my legs across his lap, when we hugged it was definitely more, and the only thing we didn't do was kiss because it would have been too weird because that is SO DEFINITELY coupley. I told him that I could only do things like that if I was his girlfriend, because then I know it's exclusive and when we meet new people we can break up. But if we're just 'close friends (i.e. FWB) then what can we tell new people? We're not single, but we're not in a defined relationship...he says that I'm too hung up on labels, because I told him that if I'm not his girlfirend then he won't text me, buy me presents, etc (bad analogy, I know) and that he would, and that we should just see what happens and do what we're comfortable with and not worry about how we're expected to act when we're labelled. I know that I'm expecting him to know what to do, and I hate not knowing what not happens with anything, let alone this, but...argh! We both are still SO ATTACHED to each other, to not be what we were before is too weird. For me anyway. He wants us to be 'close friends', but what is that? He's not expecting any intimacy with me, but I want to, but is that only to feel closer to him? I don't know. This is what I think:

I think that we're both confused right now, but in the end this will result in nothing. We will remain friends, very close friends, borderline more, even past the border more, but last Tuesday he started his college and this Monday I'm starting mine and there is no way we can do this. We're upset now, trying now, hurt now, crying now, but I think it's ended and although we're trying to find solutions to stay together there's nothing we can do. Does he still want to stay together? I think he doesn't want the official title, but he doesn't want to lose what we had. Does he still love me? Yes. But can we make it work? Not like before- although we'll still be close we're separating; we have different schools, we broke up so it would be hard to find ground and right now it's hard because we both are SO confused. I'm going to not talk to him until I start Hills. And I think he isn't either. The weird thing is we've never been separated before, because we were always the person we confided in about our problems. But this is the 'break' in break up, so that's what I'll do. So, all in all, I think it's over.

Anyway, I feel sad about this. He feels sad about it too. It's hard. It's hard especially in the mornings and in the nights, because that's when I think about him, and I get teary, but otherwise I'm pretty good. I feel like there's this little core of unhappiness inside me, but I'm living my life like normal. Considering I just got dumped by someone I care about immensely 2 days ago, I'm alright. But then again, although it's harder to get over, it's less hurtful to break up with someone who basically says, 'I love you and you're the most special person to me and have been since I've met you, but we can't go out because there's something wrong and I want to be what we were before, which is close friends (but his definition of close friends is messed up, so what he means is close friends with feelings for each other).' I have all this unspent emotion from this, so I'm throwing myself into self-improvement. I'm going to pursue my interests, be lovely and chirpy and fashionable and cheerful and outgoing when I start school, make lots of friends, get excellent grades and really, really lose weight. One good thing about breaking up- I don't feel like eating anymore. And I get the feeling once I get into it, I'll get really into exercise. And it's right before school too! Progress for today:

Breakfast- 2 bowls cereal + milk (410 calories approx)

Lunch- 1 tiny slice banana bread (60? calories, maybe less)

Dinner- 1 bowl rice + egg + shrimp (440 calories approx)

Exercise- 0.5-1 mile walk before breakfast, 0.5 mile walk at lunch, 1 mile walk before dinner, 4 mile run and 0.5 mile walk after dinner, and then regular exercises and stretches

Woot! 910 calories consumed, and I don't know how many lost. I've upped my exercise a little, and I'm going to try to eat even less tomorrow! Yay! Good points of breaking up- all the energy must be thrown into something. And I will throw it in and make myself a better, prettier, thinner, brighter, smarter person. Yeah!

1/9/08

2008-09-01T12:15:00.000-07:00

Right! Did a lot better today, as planned ;) so I'm feeling quite pleased with myself. However, am feeling quite stressed from general life. Am very annoyed at my boyfriend because he was quite (albeit unintentionally) rude, and my brother and my mother have made my anger and insecurities flare by continuously telling me how bad it was of him to be so rude. What happened was his friend was going to near where I lived to pick up a game that was for some reason linked to me, and when his friend asked him if he wanted to come along so he could see me he said he couldn't be bothered, would rather go to the airport and didn't have enough money to come. (which is a lie) I found out from his friend, and predictably was quite annoyed and texted him rather tersely saying I couldn't believe he has said to his friend he would rather see planes than me, and he replied tersely back that he was seeing me after college tomorrow. (even though he hadn't actually informed me of this, he had just said he was going to see me sometime after he started this week) Tbh, it wasn't intentional, but I do feel that he is getting- nay, is- quite lazy and already slipped into the routine of our relationship. He's starting school tomorrow, and I would have liked to think he would like to see me before he starts school again, but evidently not. I know he thinks that I'm being unreasonable, and I do understand his point of view, but still! Even if you think that, don't say it to your friend, and planning on seeing me the next day is not an excuse. Well...that does sound a bit unreasonable, actually. Obviously I don't want to spend every second of my life with him, and neither does he, but I would rather he not tell his friend and I still do want him to come see me if he has the opportunity. Grr. How annoying. Also, my family has been annoying me increasingly over the past few weeks, so much so I almost can't take it. The way I deal with it is by being extremely polite and bland so I don't have to actually engage in any possibly problematic conversations. Argh. I need to go out more, but I have no money. And I've been out every day for almost, if not the entire whole last week. Wow, this entire post is pure teenage angst. Anyway...

Breakfast- 1/2 scoop oatmeal + 2 servings mangoes + cinnamon + honey

Lunch- 1 bowl yogurt + honey + cereal clumps + one pear + one banana + cinnamon

Dinner- one bowl rice + one mackarel slice with chilli, lime and ginger seasoning + one serving vegetables

Snacks- one serving nuts + part of a baugette with a little cheese

Exercise- one mile before breakfast, one mile after lunch, ran 1.5 miles before dinner

Drinks- I think about 4.5 glasses of water so far, but will be more by the time I go to bed! Will make it 8. Also, one glass of tea.

Now that I read it, it doesn't sound very good :( I don't know why, but I'm in a determindly cheerful mood about my exercise and food issues. It's probably because it's the first day of September and I really want to do well on my diet, so I just think I am. Also, I am really quite distressed about what happened today with my bf, as now he is angry at me and I am hurt and angry with him and he's starting school tomorrow! Argh! Why does everything always have to be SO stressful!? Definitely need to do better tomorrow!

30/8/08 and 31/8/08

2008-08-31T13:22:00.000-07:00

Didn't post yesterday because my mom was around, and I know she certainly wouldn't approve of this blog. Anyway, my thoughts from yesterday...went out (again!) with my friend, which was rather nice. I haven't seen her properly in ages, so it was a bit of a catch-up. She's been having a few problems recently, so we chatted about that among other things. However, you know what going out means...eating a lot. Here's what I ate:

Breakfast- 1/3 cup oatmeal + cinnamon + one serving rasberries + one serving mangoes

Lunch- two buns with butter + one hot chocolate with real full fat cream

Dinner- one enormous plate rice + beef + chillies + onions + peppers

Snacks- one nectarine + a few cookies (can't remember how many) + a few slices of cheese and meat and bean and pepper tortilla

Exercise- None. None at all.

I know. It's terrible. I feel horrible, absolutely horrible. I need encouragement. I need help. To write that I have eaten makes me feel so, so deeply shamed...and it's even worse today.

Breakfast- 1/3 cup oatmeal + cinnamon + two servings mangoes + 1 serving rasberries + a little bit of scrambled egg + a tiny bit of onion and bacon (almost nothing)

Lunch- 5 slices cheese and peppers and beans and meat tortilla

Dinner- small serving cheese and broccoli + one serving edema beans + small serving meatball and pasta and tomato sauce

Snacks- 3 bourbon cookies + one small slice of choc cake

Exercise- walked approx. one mile + regular exercises

Although I didn't record what I drank today because I don't remember, I'm drinking this horrible concoction of apple vinegar, lemon juice, cinnamon, honey and a little splenda. It's...vile. But healthy, I think.

All I can say to my recent eating and exercising habits is...FUCK. What the hell is wrong with me!? I try to do better, I have good intentions, but honestly!? It really seems like I can't help myself. I've been going out a lot which definitely doesn't help, but staying at home is a problem because it really stresses me out. I've just been stressed out generally. Although I have no reason to, I'm a little stressed out about my boyfriend, but I know it's nothing. The problem is, anytime I feel good about the time we spent together, my family just rips him apart and it makes me feel insecure again. But I guess it's nothing, right? I guess stress doesn't help you lose weight much...

Anyway, tomorrow is the first day of September! So, you know what that means...new goals. Although they are typical, I will follow them, in chronological order:

I will set a more healthy sleeping pattern (meaning, less late nights, more early mornings!)
I will eat more healthy, which means following my diet plan
I will start jogging 2 miles every day in the evening
I will stop eating cookies
I will cut out snacks, which therefore means only 3 meals a day
I will reduce the amount of food I eat
I will increase my exercise

By the time I finish with my goals, I will be much healthier, much fitter and (hopefully!) much thinner. I'm quite toned already; when I'm tensed I'm already hard as a rock, but I still feel covered by this detestable layer of fat...I need some thinspo.

Those quotes are great. In fact, I'm already inspired. Tomorrow's the first day of September, which means implementing my goals! But for now...I'd better get off the computer and start exercising!

29/8/08

2008-08-29T14:07:00.000-07:00

Height and Weight- 5 ft 2, 110 pounds

Well, give or take a few, I don't have a scale so I don't know. Anyway...what can I say except CRAP! I can't believe I ate so much. My excuse is I'm on my period and that I was out today, but really it's not a good one. Anyway:

Breakfast- 1/2 scoop oatmeal + cinnamon + honey + one serving rasberries + one serving mangoes

Lunch- one baugette + lox + cream cheese + 1.3 bowls cornflakes + real milk

Dinner- 4 tacoes which includes: taco shells + cheese + taco meat + beans + onions

Snacks- one pear + 2 slices ham, tortilla and pepper

Exercise- general fitness + regular exercises + stretches

Argh, so much food, so little exercise! Must be better tomorrow. Bleugh. I feel sick.

28/8/08

2008-08-28T10:26:00.000-07:00

Height and Weight- 5 ft 2, 110 pounds

I'm so relieved. Recently I've been having major mood swings and strange cravings for food such as donuts, which normally I scorn. Now it is explained- I have my period! And it isn't too bad. Normally, right before I'm due I eat a lot, but so far I've been pretty good. Anyway, kept to the routine I set myself yesterday, maybe even doing a little better than normal! Here it is:

Breakfast- 2 bowls cereal approx (not brilliant, but not bad either) with soy milk

Lunch- large bowl yogurt + one apple + one nectarine + one serving dates + honey + cinnamon + 1-2 serving(s) wheatbran

Dinner- one large sub which includes: baugette + one serving lettuce + 4 slices cheese (2 swiss and 2 provolone) + 3 slices ham + vinegar and olive oil + a few onions + thin coating mayo

Snacks- 1 smallish bowl of soup which includes: chicken broth + a few bits of chicken + potatoes + carrots

I forgot to record my drinks, but I've had a few glasses of water, a few glasses of tea, a glass of cranberry juice, a glass of cinnamon and honey tea and a glass of my coffee and cocoa mix. So 'tis all good.

I'm not exercising today because 1) I'm on my period, 2) my body has been sore and achy everywhere recently and 3) you are supposed to rest from exercise occasionally anyway. So there you have it. I'm also going to sleep tonight because I have to get up early tomorrow for induction day at my new school which should be interesting. More sleep will definitely help me feel better, as I have been sleep deprived all week.

Anyway, I was planning on writing more, but I'm awfully tired. I think I ate relatively well today; maybe not so well in terms of amount but certainly much better in terms of healthiness. I'll start recording my drinks more accurately, and I'll try to cut out more food as I get used to my new diet. And I won't get so discouraged because my mood swings should stop now that I'm on. Yay!

27/8/08

2008-08-27T13:31:00.000-07:00

Height and Weight- 5 ft 2, 110 pounds

I don't really see the point of writing my height and weight, as my height isn't changing and I don't have a scale so I can't see whether I've gained/lost any weight. Ah well. Maybe I'll find a cheap one somewhere, as I have no money. Anyway, today was pretty good, better than normal! But that's not saying much. I did more exercise, but I'm still eating way too many snacks. Plan- exercise more, cut out all but three meals a day, then reduce the amount of food in those meals, then cut out lunch, then reduce the amount of food again, etc. Soon I'll be starting school again, which will either help me or hinder me enormously.

Positives of going to school:

back on schedule, so don't have enough time to snack
there is a gym at the school, so I can exercise more
have free time to exercise
may feel obligated to exercise with my friends

Negatives of going to school:

may feel obligated to snack more with my friends
may not have enough time to exercise
may eat more unhealthy because there isn't enough choice of food
may eat more because I am stressed
may not be able to implement my dieting techniques during school

I think going to school may help me in terms of eating less; however, I think that my restricting schedule will certainly not help me in terms of exercising more. Ah well, there's nothing I can do about it anyway- I'm looking forward to starting school and being on schedule, as right now I'm being rather lazy with all this free time, and I can hardly not go just because I'll be more unhealthy.

Anyway, back to my day...met up with my friend and went swimming for about an hour, then ran into some other friends and we went to costa. To start with I was good, but then I got hungry and split this long chocolate pastry with my friend which must have been quite fattening! I'm really having a hard time giving up snacking; before I would eat three small meals and be able to stop myself through willpower alone. Now I eat three large meals, and can't stop myself from snacking afterwards! ARGH! And my family does not help AT ALL, which pisses the hell out of me. I'm half Chinese, so there's enormous pressure for me to stay slender. Right now, by Western standards I'm very slim. However, by Chinese standards, I'm a size large! 'Tis quite unfair, especially as I look more White than Asian. All the time my brother and especially my mother call me fat, which is really a blow to my self-esteem. For example, today, after I had some crumbs of a donut which barely even counts as anything, my mom said, "You know, I always see you eating. No wonder you're so fat. You're such a pig." They say it's harmless joking, but don't you think it's a bit insensitive to someone who wants to lose weight? Just a little. Certainly one good thing about going to school is to get out of the house. That will certainly be a relief.

Breakfast- 1/3 cup oatmeal + one serving rasberries + one serving mangoes + some cinnamon and honey

Lunch- one large salad + lots of dressing; salad cream, olive oil and balsalmic vinegar + some spicy chicken (probably quite calorically dense)

Dinner- one bowl rice + lots of fish + 2 if not 3 servings spicy spinach with coconut milk and garlic

Snacks- 1/2 stick chocolate pastry + one nectarine + 2 digestives

Exercise- regular morning stretches, swimming for between 30 min and an hour, did 1.5 miles, running. .25 at the end, and am going to do my regular exercises and evening stretches soon.

I feel absolutely sick when I reread what I've just written. I have to get more discipline, without question. How can I let myself go so abominably? Already this blog is helping me a little bit, but I feel so depressed when I look at it. Well, if I want to stop feeling depressed, I'll just have to start being more healthy! Here's my plan for tomorrow:

Breakfast- am going to break routine and finish off the cereal. I know it's not the healthiest option, but there's not that much left, so I'll eat that as well as some extra fruit. I'll eat my oatbran and fruit as normal though after tomorrow.

Lunch- have also been craving yougurt, but because it's so calorically dense I haven't been eating it for desert like I want. Instead I'll start eating it for lunch. Usually, I have the non-flavoured yougurt + wheatbran (very healthy, very dense) + loads of fruit, usually 2-4 servings of different types (also very healthy, also quite a lot of calories) + honey (supposedly healthy) + cinnamon + digestives (can't resist) I'm going to start eating yougurt for lunch because it is extremely healthy, very filling, sates my craving for it and stops me from eating other, more unhealthy food. I didn't want to eat it for desert because it's so much in the evening, but as lunch it's great as I burn calories during the day and it is very healthy and energy boosting. Perfect!

Dinner- whatever's cooking, but I'm going to start eating the vegetables first, meat second and carbs last. I also know this works brilliantly, as I had been doing this routine for a while in the US and the veggies are amazingly filling.

Desert- fruit, nuts, maybe sometimes fish, colecuts, cheese and crackers when we have it, which is not often. Nothing fattening.

By the end of the day, I'll have eaten at least 5 servings of fruit and veggies which of course is extremely healthy. I'll have also eaten lots of fibre from my first meal, and lots of other stuff from the yougurt. Dinner is pretty much always healthy as well, so I'll be eating very healthy from now on! If I do this and keep up my exercise, I should be doing a lot better than now. I also have some other tricks up my sleeve:

Every morning I'm going to drink a cocoa, coffee, cinnamon and honey mix. Cocoa is apparently very good for you as it has a lot of magnesium, which is a mood-lifter (great in the mornings!) and helps with heart disease and improves digestion, not to mention the caffeine. Coffee is also very good for you, as it contains caffeine, has many antioxidants which help slow down the aging process which means better skin and improves endurance apparently. It's only a tsp each of coffee and cocoa, so I should be dandy :) The cinnamon and honey mix supposedly is most effective first thing in the morning, is filling, helps keep fat from accumulating in the body and helps keep the skin soft and fresh :D So, altogether, 1 tsp each of cocoa, coffee and cinnamon and 2tsps of honey.
I also need to drink more juice. My brother loves cranberry juice, so I am going to start drinking it too. Apparently it helps get rid of fat and, as it is tart, surpresses your appetite.
I need more calcium, so in addition to my yogurt I am going to start drinking a glass of soy milk every day, probably before I eat. Calcium helps lose weight, as not eating enough calcium makes the body think it is in starvation mode. I don't eat that much calcium because I don't want to get more cellulite (I only have a little- exercise definitely helps get rid of it!) so drinking soy milk and yogurt is a good idea.
I've started adding cinnamon and peppers to a lot of my food. Cinnamon helps keep off the weight, as I wrote about above, and peppers also discourage weight gain. Cooooool.
I'll also start recording how much lemon water and green tea I eat. Lemon water also helps lose weight, and green tea also aids digestion.

I'd probably write more about other dieting methods I'm planning to use, but I'm awfully as tired as it's 5 to midnight here. Anyway, after writing this I'm feeling a lot more positive! Wish me luck! ;)

26/8/08

2008-08-26T14:57:00.000-07:00

Height and Weight- 5 ft 2, 110 pounds

Bleugh. Since I've gotten back from the US, I've been so undisciplined. Before, every morning I would wake up at 9, stretch, and then run about 2.5 miles, have a small breakfast, tiny snack for lunch, small dinner and then fruit for desert before going to bed. Now, I've been a complete slob and am eating loads and barely exercising at all. Which makes me feel sick, but I can't help it. Hopefully this blog will help! Anyway...

Breakfast- 1/3 cup oatmeal + serving of rasberries + serving of mangoes + cinnamon + some honey

Lunch- maybe 5 mini Pizza rolls (they're about as big as my thumb) + 5-7 full fat cookies and chocolate chips (tiny as well, if you put the tip of your forefinger and thumb together that's approximately the size, maybe a bit larger) + one small serving of tortellinis and olive oil

Dinner- 1 small/medium bowl veggie soup + 2 slices toasted rye

Snacks- 2 or 3 large slices of ham, equal amount of swiss cheese and red peppers + loads of apples and cinnamon

Exercise- my regular stretches this morning, 2.25 miles around a field; ran about .5 and jogged the rest, will do my regular workout (30 push-ups, 150 secs still in push up position, 300 secs in 'board' position; same as push-up position but on your elbows, 102 crunches and 22 squats) and stretches again after this post

I really need to get much more disciplined. I'll start recording how much and what I drink too now that I've started this. Now I've started drinking lemon water to help speed up my metabolism, and as always I drink green tea all the time. I've stopped drinking cold water because apparently it slows down your metabolism too. I need to get on a better sleeping schedule too; I'm on school break right now but am starting school in 2 weeks. Currently I go to sleep late and get up late, but I want to start getting up early so I can jog. Hmm...I hope this blog helps me get back on track and lose some weight!