2/11/08

I'm listening to 'the Fray-save a life' right now.

Right now, I'm feeling quite fractured. My last post about B is actually not true...he did talk to me after I posted about it, and he does still care.

Me: I don't want you to feel obligated to help me. If you feel like it's just too much to handle, then just leave, okay?
B: ...you are aware that's one of the most pointless things you've ever said, honey. That's never going to happen.

It's also quite funny right now, though, because as I briefly mentioned this boy called S also really, really likes me. Last night he asked me, 'are you over your ex?' and I didn't really know what to say. Because, really, I'll never be over it. I'm not talking about breaking up, or even going out with him, I'm talking about the emotions we have for each other. The fact that we went out and broke up is irrelevant- we feel the same towards each other as we ever did. And, yes, I do love him, because he's there for me all the time and is the only one who has really supported me and he's the only one who really, genuinely, truly cares for me despite all my flaws and problems. That feeling I will never get over. Nothing else, ever, will compare. The problem is moving on. I know I can go out with other people, like S for instance, and I know I will, but I also know I will never feel the same magnitude of feeling I've felt for B. So it's not so much 'getting over' it as much as ways of dealing with it while still preserving it. It'll never be gone...

So really, I'm just feeling a bit confused right now. And it's making me scared, and sad, while I'm typing, but I guess I'll just have to take life as it comes. My feelings for S are growing, but they're not the same type of feelings. They'll grow into a bond, but not the sort of bond that will last through hell and back, no matter what.

What I am going to do, however, is continue and soldier on. I'm back into 'normality' but I hate myself. I gained back all the weight I lost...not a significant amount, but enough to make me feel enormous, and for my mother and brother to make comments too. They say I'm 'plump' and I guess I am. In fact, I know I am. Which is why I'm going to continue, and strive, for perfection.

I'm restricting again, slowly, slowly, starting from tomorrow. I know my body is used to eating bigger proportions, so I'll just ease into it. I'm exercising tomorrow, and eating my normal apple at lunch. I can do this. I will do this.

I'm going to revise every day, for hours and hours so I can stay ahead. I'm going to exercise until I feel like I'm going to break. I'm going to wake up as early as possible every morning, even on weekdays, to be efficient. I'm going to only eat the bare necessities and I will have the self control to stick to my plans.

I can do this. It's only two years until university and, dammit, I will be a surgeon, no matter what it takes. I will lost the amount of weight I want to. Anything is possible and, dammit, I will do it.

I have to trust that B still loves me, which he says he does, and I will get over my issues and believe him. I have to stop worrying about the petty things in life and live it to the full, and grab all I can from it. I'm lucky. I am loved, despite my flaws, by the one person in the world who means more to me than anyone. I am adored by S and others, I have a group of wonderful friends who, although they do not know about this side of me, still would help me through anything including this if I told them. I go to one of the best sixth forms in England. I have the ability to succeed and, dammit, I will.

I will reach 90. I will go to med school. I will get straight As in my AS...all five of them. I will NOT be a fuck-up. I'm going to enjoy life, while at the same time get as far ahead as I can. I'm going to learn Cantonese, and I'm going to do it. I can do this. I will do this. I can succed in life and I will. I refuse to waste my time like all my peers do, not knowing what path to take and not really caring, wasting their time playing videogames and bitching about others. I know my plan, and dammit I will succeed at it, not matter how hard or long the road.

I will get into med school. I will reach 90.

I am loved, and I am adored. I have many, many brilliant friends who I can depend on. I go to one of the best sixth forms in England.

I can, and will succed in life. After all, what would be stopping me but myself?